I'd like to preface this blog by saying I really don't want people to think I am a constantly depressed person.
I am on my Christmas Vacation. I expected to spend it hanging out with friends and making memories with loved ones.
Which I have done.
But two days after I got back in town we discovered that the first cat I ever rescued has got cancer. More specifically she has a very large tumor on her bladders and it has traveled to her lungs riddling them with specks of cancer. Needless to say this has really put a damper on my holiday spirit.
This time last year I was spending every evening with my father in a psychiatric hospital. Since that time I have been working on a short story about dealing with slowly losing a parent to psychosis and old age. I feel like I have to deal with this a lot sooner then many of my friends because of my parents age. Apparently this scenario had happened to my dad before and the more times it happens in a persons life time the more likely it is to reoccur. YAY GENETICS!!
I have really tried to get into the holiday spirit by buying my friends plenty of gifts and spending time with them but I just can't make myself happy about this time of year. Which is very disheartening. I feel like everyone I know is so innocently happy and enjoying love, relationships, and naivete. It makes me very jealous.
Everyone says that its getting up off the ground after being beaten down is what makes a strong person. But, no one every tells you how really fucking hard that is.
My mom says the key is baby steps.
It's just hard to say goodbye to it all. We as humans long for nostalgia so much. Or at least I do. I mean why would we constantly recreate and reuse? The entire vintage movement and green lifestyle exemplify this idea, or they do to me.
I sit here typing this up with my cat wrapped in swaddling clothing. A large plush blue towel tightly encasing her. The pads of her feet are no longer smooth and soft like everyone imagines cat paws to be. They resemble my mother's very tired and cracked dry feet bottoms. Her toe nails are yellowed with age and have flecks of dirt underneath each tip. Her fur is now greasy and dandered with with flecks similar to snow. She is a tuxedo cat. Which means her markings are similar to the style of a tuxedo. A white belly with the majority of her fur being back and four very distinct white paws. Thus, my ten year old mind dubbed her Socks. Her fur has lost its beautiful luster and now every time I pet her I get a pang in y heart as I rub her small back. I can feel each vertebrae in her back like some prehistoric creature of old. But the hardest thing to look at is her eyes. That was the first thing about my cat Socks that caught my attention. He eyes were the most vibrant golden hue with a slight green cast to them. They look as if an artist filled a brush with oil paint and put to work his skill. I even wrote a poem about her when I was in eighth grade because of how fascinated I was by her. Her eyes now aren't as vibrant as they used to be, instead her eyes tell her age. They glisten in the light as if she were an elderly woman with cataracts. And sometimes I wonder if she can even reconginze me or my mom.
I know she is in pain and I know it is becoming increasingly closer to her time to pass on. But I don't want to let her go.
It is as if through losing her I really feel like I leaving childhood behind. She's one of the last pieces of my earlier childhood I have left. The house I grew up in has been remodeled and I no longer really have a room because I am away at school. I don't really have a "place" at home. I will always have a place with my mother but I am now at the age where I am creating my place in this world and that is extraordinarily frightening.
People always talk about how you shouldn't want to grow up fast because you'll miss it once you age. Of course they are right.
There was once a day long ago when an socially awkward 12 year old girl cried her eyes out and convinced her mother that the school was going to call the SPCA if SHE didn't take this cat home. It needed a home and a family as much as that girl dreamed of having a real family everyday of her life. The girl needed to fit in somewhere just like the cat needed the safety of a home. The girl could see it in the cats eyes and the cat could see it in hers. There was a mutual understanding between the two of them. What one lacked the other was willing to give. After all humans create families from what they are given. I wish I could steal back to this day with a blink of an eye. Because at least back then I created where I belonged.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Fake
I can't stand when I think back on past instances and I didn't act like myself.
Sometimes I think back on things that I have done and I wonder what the fuck had taken over my body and why I acted like I did. Weird thing is I only think about this when I didn't act like myself.
Example: The last time I was "talking" to someone that wasn't me. I was another entity and a different person entirely. I always second guessed myself and I "pretended" to be someone I am not. I hate
I am writing this as my mother is entertaining people at my house. Apparently it is "Story time with Margo", My mom likes to tell stories about me when I was a small child and other stupid things that have happened in our lives. THANKS MOM.
Sorry this post is so angry and weird.
I have been pretty angry this week.
WTF is wrong with me?
I hate what Holly Golightly calls the "mean reds". This is when i feel like I want to rip my skin off and chew everyone out.
You guys totally understand me right?
Sometimes I think back on things that I have done and I wonder what the fuck had taken over my body and why I acted like I did. Weird thing is I only think about this when I didn't act like myself.
Example: The last time I was "talking" to someone that wasn't me. I was another entity and a different person entirely. I always second guessed myself and I "pretended" to be someone I am not. I hate
I am writing this as my mother is entertaining people at my house. Apparently it is "Story time with Margo", My mom likes to tell stories about me when I was a small child and other stupid things that have happened in our lives. THANKS MOM.
Sorry this post is so angry and weird.
I have been pretty angry this week.
WTF is wrong with me?
I hate what Holly Golightly calls the "mean reds". This is when i feel like I want to rip my skin off and chew everyone out.
You guys totally understand me right?
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Blue Carpet
It had finally happened. As Amber stepped across the threshold of her mother's room one thought pervaded her mind. Her mother was now a little old lady and there was no going back.
The change had been ever so gradual. First she had gotten worse vision. Then she had fallen at last Christmas and once more during her summer break. Finally, after years of protest she had reached the point of no return. After recent house renovations Amber's mother had had blue carpet laid down.
Everyone knows that your senses dull as you age and your sense of color is generally the one that bites the dust last. Instead of sticking with muted tones on the spectrum of beige and gray older people tend to rebel like children and start painting there walls mint green or fuchsia. Amber's mother had done the unthinkable. She had installed blue carpet in her bedroom. Not just any blue either. This wasn't powered blue or royal blue this was what Amber jokingly called "little old lady hair blue."
"So, what do you think of the renovations?" Margo's voice seemed to bring all of Amber's thoughts to a screeching halt. Amber was never one to censor herself but she was so taken a back that the only thing she could say was, "Everything looks good. I am happy everything is finally done." Try as she might her mother's tired eyes could see right through her generic answer. But true to her mother's fashion she just smiled and said nothing. Margo's passivity was a constant in Amber's life. It was something she could count. Just like her father's asinine outbursts of anger and rebellion. Amber was pretty positive that the aging process was fucked up.
Truth was she hated her mother's aging more than anything. It made her painfully aware of the age difference between other parents and hers. Which lead to thoughts that her mother would never see grandchildren from her only daughter let alone ever see her married. Amber's eyes met her mother's. She looked for a long time at her mother. She was a short woman of a shrinking 5'5". She dyed her hair religiously from Amber's birth, after a woman thought she was Amber's grandmother is a supermarket. Her mother had a convex back that seemed to snap her back symmetrically. Her face was tired as were her brown tiny mouse like eyes. She had a pixish nose that accentuated her tiny round face. Amber had always been jealous of her mother's nose. Amber felt like there must be some Jewish blood in her family to be blessed with such an unfortunately big nose. Finally, Amber's gaze rested on her mother's hands. She remembered hearing from some source that age is shown in the hands. Her mother's finger bones we highly exposed and the blue veins seemed to pop out like a eerie type of henna that couldn't be dulled by washing. That same blue just like the carpet.
............
Not a final edit.
The change had been ever so gradual. First she had gotten worse vision. Then she had fallen at last Christmas and once more during her summer break. Finally, after years of protest she had reached the point of no return. After recent house renovations Amber's mother had had blue carpet laid down.
Everyone knows that your senses dull as you age and your sense of color is generally the one that bites the dust last. Instead of sticking with muted tones on the spectrum of beige and gray older people tend to rebel like children and start painting there walls mint green or fuchsia. Amber's mother had done the unthinkable. She had installed blue carpet in her bedroom. Not just any blue either. This wasn't powered blue or royal blue this was what Amber jokingly called "little old lady hair blue."
"So, what do you think of the renovations?" Margo's voice seemed to bring all of Amber's thoughts to a screeching halt. Amber was never one to censor herself but she was so taken a back that the only thing she could say was, "Everything looks good. I am happy everything is finally done." Try as she might her mother's tired eyes could see right through her generic answer. But true to her mother's fashion she just smiled and said nothing. Margo's passivity was a constant in Amber's life. It was something she could count. Just like her father's asinine outbursts of anger and rebellion. Amber was pretty positive that the aging process was fucked up.
Truth was she hated her mother's aging more than anything. It made her painfully aware of the age difference between other parents and hers. Which lead to thoughts that her mother would never see grandchildren from her only daughter let alone ever see her married. Amber's eyes met her mother's. She looked for a long time at her mother. She was a short woman of a shrinking 5'5". She dyed her hair religiously from Amber's birth, after a woman thought she was Amber's grandmother is a supermarket. Her mother had a convex back that seemed to snap her back symmetrically. Her face was tired as were her brown tiny mouse like eyes. She had a pixish nose that accentuated her tiny round face. Amber had always been jealous of her mother's nose. Amber felt like there must be some Jewish blood in her family to be blessed with such an unfortunately big nose. Finally, Amber's gaze rested on her mother's hands. She remembered hearing from some source that age is shown in the hands. Her mother's finger bones we highly exposed and the blue veins seemed to pop out like a eerie type of henna that couldn't be dulled by washing. That same blue just like the carpet.
............
Not a final edit.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Rock, Papers, Finals.
I don't understand why one of my professors thinks that at he end of the semester she should require her classes to write a paper. I hate writing papers!!!
OK not really. I don't mind bullshitting 5 pages of parallels between three plays and supporting it with quotations. What I hate is that I decided to take two classes by this same teacher this semester. Thus because this teacher is kind of paper crazy I have two papers due to her. One was due today. I finished that one and emailed it to her and will be bringing her a hard copy tomorrow. However it is probably the worst paper I have ever written because I was that vehemently against writing it.
The other problem is I absolutely loathed going to one of them because of the people within the class. The other class I loved. Problem is the class I hated is require for my major and the class I loved isn't. Ironic??? I think not...
This experiences and many like it this semester has taught me I need to stop shutting down. When something gets annoying for some reason, this semester, I shut down. I ignore it and give up. Not good. I am fixing this before it gets worse.
On a completely unrelated note I had my first production meeting for my second season show today.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh
Sorry it's just a little frightening that it all happens so soon.
I am completely thrilled though.
I just needed to get that out of my system.
BRING ON MY DAMN BREAK!!!!
OK not really. I don't mind bullshitting 5 pages of parallels between three plays and supporting it with quotations. What I hate is that I decided to take two classes by this same teacher this semester. Thus because this teacher is kind of paper crazy I have two papers due to her. One was due today. I finished that one and emailed it to her and will be bringing her a hard copy tomorrow. However it is probably the worst paper I have ever written because I was that vehemently against writing it.
The other problem is I absolutely loathed going to one of them because of the people within the class. The other class I loved. Problem is the class I hated is require for my major and the class I loved isn't. Ironic??? I think not...
This experiences and many like it this semester has taught me I need to stop shutting down. When something gets annoying for some reason, this semester, I shut down. I ignore it and give up. Not good. I am fixing this before it gets worse.
On a completely unrelated note I had my first production meeting for my second season show today.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh
Sorry it's just a little frightening that it all happens so soon.
I am completely thrilled though.
I just needed to get that out of my system.
BRING ON MY DAMN BREAK!!!!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Painfully Aware
Today I was painfully aware of two things.
1. I really really really wish I could sing. I went to our Celebration of Song which is a showing of a lot of the students who received voice lessons from the semester. They sing a number and it's usually awesome. It makes me a tad jealous and insecure.
After tis a group of friends and myself went out to the Pub ( a local bar in Natchitoches ) and then to karaoke at another bar called Yesterday's. A dink later resulted in my next painfully aware moment.
2. I am at the stage of being single where I am comfortable and content, happy even. But seeing couples laughing and holding hands. Maybe even sharing a private kiss or eye lock. Just makes me painfully aware that I am single and I don't have someone to share that with. It's a weird feeling.
Because sure I might look back on previous text messages from people saying how sweet I am or how pretty but it isn't the same. I don't feel that zing or that desire to really be with someone like I have in my past two longest relationships. I think that is the difference for me. Like tonight I sat a the bar and mooned over this really attractive french student. I made eye contact and did what girls do. I even smiled at him. But I did nothing about it. When I REALLY like someone I freak out. I HAVE to be in a relationship with them and I become dead set on winning them over to my team. It's weird. It's like this electric shock of a feeling when I meet someone I am utterly attracted to. Unfortunately I haven't had that feeling since my senior year of high school, 4 years ago. I have grown to be a attracted to people mainly because they were attracted to me or because I like them but I wasn't DRIVEN by emotion.
It amazes me what people do to make it through this world without being lonely. We live in a society that exists side by side. One they longs to touch and really understand someone. To find that SOMEONE or the ONE. Whatever you want to call it. And yet we settle most of the time for people who love us more then we love them. We settle on things that will help us make it through this world like pegs on a peg board.
But the thing about being aware is knowing you don't want to settle. I know it won't be anytime soon this loneliness ceases. That's what being aware means. But I think I am content with that for now. It'll pay off in the end right??
Oh what romantic holidays does to me.
In the words of Marshall Crenshaw
"Someday, someway maybe I'll understand you."
1. I really really really wish I could sing. I went to our Celebration of Song which is a showing of a lot of the students who received voice lessons from the semester. They sing a number and it's usually awesome. It makes me a tad jealous and insecure.
After tis a group of friends and myself went out to the Pub ( a local bar in Natchitoches ) and then to karaoke at another bar called Yesterday's. A dink later resulted in my next painfully aware moment.
2. I am at the stage of being single where I am comfortable and content, happy even. But seeing couples laughing and holding hands. Maybe even sharing a private kiss or eye lock. Just makes me painfully aware that I am single and I don't have someone to share that with. It's a weird feeling.
Because sure I might look back on previous text messages from people saying how sweet I am or how pretty but it isn't the same. I don't feel that zing or that desire to really be with someone like I have in my past two longest relationships. I think that is the difference for me. Like tonight I sat a the bar and mooned over this really attractive french student. I made eye contact and did what girls do. I even smiled at him. But I did nothing about it. When I REALLY like someone I freak out. I HAVE to be in a relationship with them and I become dead set on winning them over to my team. It's weird. It's like this electric shock of a feeling when I meet someone I am utterly attracted to. Unfortunately I haven't had that feeling since my senior year of high school, 4 years ago. I have grown to be a attracted to people mainly because they were attracted to me or because I like them but I wasn't DRIVEN by emotion.
It amazes me what people do to make it through this world without being lonely. We live in a society that exists side by side. One they longs to touch and really understand someone. To find that SOMEONE or the ONE. Whatever you want to call it. And yet we settle most of the time for people who love us more then we love them. We settle on things that will help us make it through this world like pegs on a peg board.
But the thing about being aware is knowing you don't want to settle. I know it won't be anytime soon this loneliness ceases. That's what being aware means. But I think I am content with that for now. It'll pay off in the end right??
Oh what romantic holidays does to me.
In the words of Marshall Crenshaw
"Someday, someway maybe I'll understand you."
Friday, December 11, 2009
The truth is faster than a laser beam.
Finals week seems to always make me very aware of myself.
People get annoyed with me in class. I tend to be that girl that remembered everything from the semester. And for some reason people really hate that. I am honestly not saying this to find sympathy. I just find it very odd that I have a pretty good memory and that I enjoy learning new things. Classmates tend to hate that I make decent grades and sometimes cause the curve not to swing in their favor.
But I can't be an awesome superhero all of the time. My weakness is science. Not because I lack interest in it. I enjoy learning about it a lot actually. It just sucks that my teachers here for science have been pretty awful. That is my biggest critique about my university. Their science department is pretty elitest and disgutingly pompous. They tend to not enjoy "wasting" their time on now science majors. Hopefully my two science teachers next semester won't be douches.
Tonight I was studying with some friends ( which I never do ) for our Theatre History and Lit II exam at 9am today. I became way too aware of how much I know after going to school and studying theatre for 4 years. I am kind of freaked out by this thought. I am really not boasting or anything along those lines. I am more or less stunned and like I said freaked out. I just rattled off a lot of information and my 4 friends just stared at me.
I've said this before but I really do love school and learning.
Maybe I am really a robot.
That would make so much sense and solve so many of my problems. Minus this whole no human emotion etc...
People get annoyed with me in class. I tend to be that girl that remembered everything from the semester. And for some reason people really hate that. I am honestly not saying this to find sympathy. I just find it very odd that I have a pretty good memory and that I enjoy learning new things. Classmates tend to hate that I make decent grades and sometimes cause the curve not to swing in their favor.
But I can't be an awesome superhero all of the time. My weakness is science. Not because I lack interest in it. I enjoy learning about it a lot actually. It just sucks that my teachers here for science have been pretty awful. That is my biggest critique about my university. Their science department is pretty elitest and disgutingly pompous. They tend to not enjoy "wasting" their time on now science majors. Hopefully my two science teachers next semester won't be douches.
Tonight I was studying with some friends ( which I never do ) for our Theatre History and Lit II exam at 9am today. I became way too aware of how much I know after going to school and studying theatre for 4 years. I am kind of freaked out by this thought. I am really not boasting or anything along those lines. I am more or less stunned and like I said freaked out. I just rattled off a lot of information and my 4 friends just stared at me.
I've said this before but I really do love school and learning.
Maybe I am really a robot.
That would make so much sense and solve so many of my problems. Minus this whole no human emotion etc...
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
I might have a problem...
Sometimes I play things out in my mind so much that I feel like I have already posted a blog entry on a topic. Hence when I re read my last post I started to freak out and wonder if I had already made a post about it.
Hmmmmm
Maybe I am crazy.
Hmmmmm
Maybe I am crazy.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Insomina
A year ago I went to the Renaissance Festival in Hammond Louisiana. I had my tarot cards read to me and for some reason what the lady told me has always stuck with me. She said that the next three years of my life would be the hardest I would ever experience. That I would constantly doubt if I was making the right decision. She also said this is the time in my life where I would be discerning all the things that I felt were right and wrong. She's right.
She's not right because she has some divine ability to see the truth in the cards. (At least not in this instance) Because this is all pretty general knowledge information. Psychologically from the time you are in your teens to you mid to late twenties you are in a period of self doubt. If you thought high school was the only time for you it then you are dead wrong. Some psychologists say it's even worse in your twenties.
I took an amazing class last Spring semester called Personal Adjustment and Development Psychology. It's probably been the most beneficial class I have ever taken in my life. I know I shouldn't base my life on pure scientific fact, unless I want to become a robot, but I take a great comfort in the silent understanding between my peers that we all doubt ourselves to a certain extent at this age. That people my age are going through the same thing. It's part of my personal belief system that it all has something to do with the human condition. But that is a topic I could expound on forever if you let me. I will say this, that I think the way we get through life couldn't be put better than what my friend Andy wrote me one day.
"You try to be a good person, you try to treat everyone better than he deserves. And in return, strangers shoot you down as idealistic, and your friends take advantage of you and abandon you.
It's poetically reassuring. I think I look at this once a day since he sent it to me.
It's similar to that feeling you get when you realize your best friends from high school are the friends whom you can call and meet up with when you are back in town. And when you start hanging out it feels like you never left and you just pick up where you left off. I think the best relationships are like that. You acknowledge that something happened while you were apart but you lived just as equally a full life so you are more than happy to be spending time with that person now.
I know I have said this in one of my past blogs but sometimes I repeat myself. But, if I can look back when I am in my 80's-90's and smile from all the memories I have then I know I have lived a fully and happy life. I also know that I wish for nothing more in the world then that. A full, rich, life. That kind of life it would take days to tell your grandchildren or strangers about.
I feel that at our core human beings want the simplest things. But, we can't think simplistically like animals. Instead we pick the most complicated way to get the things we want. Or sometimes we even take the opposite of what we want to get what we want.
I should have prefaced all of this by saying I fell asleep around 9pm and woke up with the worst case of indigestion in my life. : ( I shouldn't have eaten all that yummy fair food at Christmas Fest today. But, deep fry it and put it on a stick and I don't care what it is I'll eat it. It could be dog poo and I'd still eat it. Why??? Because it's on a stick and DEEP FRIED!! How convenient and deliciously artery clogging!
Why do we as humans search to fix the things that didn't work out?
I know why I do it. I do it because I constantly analyze things. It took me a LONG time to figure out what my stage combat teacher meant when he called me a tactician. I looked up the word and took it for face value. When it comes to combat I always asked why am I doing this? What move could my opponent produce next that I could be preventing? What could my next move be if I can't get out of this situation? How can I fix this to where I win the fight?
I have since found he didn't just mean that sentiment in regards to only stage combat.
I did this even when I stage managed. I would watch the actors and map their blocking in a strategic sense. I didn't do this for any other reason then I am a VERY visual person. If you show me how to do it then I won't forget it. If you tell me then I might have a bit more trouble remembering all the steps.
Even when I have assistant directed I thought of ways to fix hiccups in a performance. As a house manager that is what I recently spent two whole days doing. Preventing, questioning, fixing, etc. I excel at this type of work. I could analyze or interpret or expound till the cows came home. It's second nature to me. But, I don't want to spend the rest of my life wasting my thought process on Stage Managing or House Managing.
I might have solved my "theatre problem." I need to find a way to merge my thought process to acting. I have never really done that. I mean I have gotten closer and closer over this past four years to this concept by being involved in a directing sense. I other words I need to take my style and make it work for me. I need to analyze the shit out of all my next projects and monolouges. I can leave no bases uncovered.
I love when you mind is dormant and suddenly awoken to a concept that you KNEW but never really executed.
P.s.
See if I type this out tactically and question WHY I get things fixed!!! IRONY!!
She's not right because she has some divine ability to see the truth in the cards. (At least not in this instance) Because this is all pretty general knowledge information. Psychologically from the time you are in your teens to you mid to late twenties you are in a period of self doubt. If you thought high school was the only time for you it then you are dead wrong. Some psychologists say it's even worse in your twenties.
I took an amazing class last Spring semester called Personal Adjustment and Development Psychology. It's probably been the most beneficial class I have ever taken in my life. I know I shouldn't base my life on pure scientific fact, unless I want to become a robot, but I take a great comfort in the silent understanding between my peers that we all doubt ourselves to a certain extent at this age. That people my age are going through the same thing. It's part of my personal belief system that it all has something to do with the human condition. But that is a topic I could expound on forever if you let me. I will say this, that I think the way we get through life couldn't be put better than what my friend Andy wrote me one day.
"You try to be a good person, you try to treat everyone better than he deserves. And in return, strangers shoot you down as idealistic, and your friends take advantage of you and abandon you.
But every now and then, you find someone who's fighting the same battle you are. And you team up with that person and fight the good fight together. And sometimes that relationship works out and sometimes it doesn't, but the important thing is that you're an even better person for having associated with someone as good as you are.
Your true friends will always be by your side. And if they screw up and leave you, they'll come back. You have to believe in that, or else you can't trust anyone."
It's poetically reassuring. I think I look at this once a day since he sent it to me.It's similar to that feeling you get when you realize your best friends from high school are the friends whom you can call and meet up with when you are back in town. And when you start hanging out it feels like you never left and you just pick up where you left off. I think the best relationships are like that. You acknowledge that something happened while you were apart but you lived just as equally a full life so you are more than happy to be spending time with that person now.
I know I have said this in one of my past blogs but sometimes I repeat myself. But, if I can look back when I am in my 80's-90's and smile from all the memories I have then I know I have lived a fully and happy life. I also know that I wish for nothing more in the world then that. A full, rich, life. That kind of life it would take days to tell your grandchildren or strangers about.
I feel that at our core human beings want the simplest things. But, we can't think simplistically like animals. Instead we pick the most complicated way to get the things we want. Or sometimes we even take the opposite of what we want to get what we want.
I should have prefaced all of this by saying I fell asleep around 9pm and woke up with the worst case of indigestion in my life. : ( I shouldn't have eaten all that yummy fair food at Christmas Fest today. But, deep fry it and put it on a stick and I don't care what it is I'll eat it. It could be dog poo and I'd still eat it. Why??? Because it's on a stick and DEEP FRIED!! How convenient and deliciously artery clogging!
Why do we as humans search to fix the things that didn't work out?
I know why I do it. I do it because I constantly analyze things. It took me a LONG time to figure out what my stage combat teacher meant when he called me a tactician. I looked up the word and took it for face value. When it comes to combat I always asked why am I doing this? What move could my opponent produce next that I could be preventing? What could my next move be if I can't get out of this situation? How can I fix this to where I win the fight?
I have since found he didn't just mean that sentiment in regards to only stage combat.
I did this even when I stage managed. I would watch the actors and map their blocking in a strategic sense. I didn't do this for any other reason then I am a VERY visual person. If you show me how to do it then I won't forget it. If you tell me then I might have a bit more trouble remembering all the steps.
Even when I have assistant directed I thought of ways to fix hiccups in a performance. As a house manager that is what I recently spent two whole days doing. Preventing, questioning, fixing, etc. I excel at this type of work. I could analyze or interpret or expound till the cows came home. It's second nature to me. But, I don't want to spend the rest of my life wasting my thought process on Stage Managing or House Managing.
I might have solved my "theatre problem." I need to find a way to merge my thought process to acting. I have never really done that. I mean I have gotten closer and closer over this past four years to this concept by being involved in a directing sense. I other words I need to take my style and make it work for me. I need to analyze the shit out of all my next projects and monolouges. I can leave no bases uncovered.
I love when you mind is dormant and suddenly awoken to a concept that you KNEW but never really executed.
P.s.
See if I type this out tactically and question WHY I get things fixed!!! IRONY!!
Friday, December 4, 2009
Grown Up
So I totally had a post all planned out but it's snowing.
Right now.
As I speak.
I am looking at snow.
And it isn't melting.
I am very confused.
Happy but confused.
Right now.
As I speak.
I am looking at snow.
And it isn't melting.
I am very confused.
Happy but confused.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
FYI
So my story I have been working on for concepts of design is the previous post. But, PLEASE pay no mind to it. It's so not finished. It's due next Wed. I worked on it all day today and will post a cleaner revision on Wed. I just posted it on the blog because it's cheaper then a USB drive. ; )
On another note I saw THIS car on campus and around town. I originally thought it was a Shelby Cobra and was CLEARLY wrong. It's still way awesome because it's pretty rare.
http://www.pininfarina.com/index/storiaModelli/modelli.html?scheda.php?id=57&cmp=anno&ord=desc&sl=6&ids=6oq5d9jq66l4rvvrplbjdjmcp2
Tomorrow GALA opens. I don't know what it is, but it is something about Christmas that puts people in a sarcastic David Sadaris mood that I love to eat with a spoon. By that I mood I mean that everyone hates the holiday so much that they are simultaneously entranced and repulsed by it. We can't fathom how some individuals could possibly be so full of "cheer" and "joy". But, we can't help but get infected it by it as well. Even if it's just an instant. And you know that moment I am talking about. It's giving a loved one a gift because you love to give. It's buying a can of cranberry sauce because you can't make it home for Christmas dinner this year. It's secretly singing Christmas tunes while driving in your car. Or it's slipping your change into those Salvation Army people's container and not taking the tootsie roll.
It's the holiday you love to hate.
I posted an article awhile on my facebook from the AHA. (The American Humanist Association) It was saying how they are campaigning this Christmas with the slogan "No God. No Problem." They are reminding the 15% of people in America that they aren't alone. This group of people is known by Psychologists as the "Nones" is a growing population in America that subscribe to no religion when polled. There main message is that "Humanism is the idea that you can be good without the belief in God." Finally! Someone else said it. Sure I have friends that recognize this idea but no one ever really says it out loud. I get sick of the argument that only BAD people aren't religious. On the contrary some of the best people I have ever met aren't religious. They are instead very respectful and conscious individuals.
Now, even if you are religious and subscribe to a religion you shouldn't do good because GOD told you to. You shouldn't be Catholic because someone TOLD you to and someone said it was RIGHT. I think too many people get hung up on the concept of making the "right" choice. Life is a lot of mistakes. You wouldn't learn without those mistakes. Religion is all about free will. Exercise your free will and discover what you really believe.
This was a huge debate in my World Theatre Studies in class today. Typical to my fashion I threw my two cents into the mix and as my friend Nick says, caused a LOT of trouble. My teacher got a little flustered at first but after class came up to me an thanked me for starting an intellectual discussion in class. This teacher really wants me to "not waste my mind" and go to Graduate school at LSU.
Maybe I am supposed to be an academic the rest of my life? I don't know about that but I know I do love learning and if I could I'd spend the rest of my days in school or just educating myself about things that interest me I'd be pretty happy.
I guess the post comes down to reminding everyone this holiday season that it's not really about just ourselves this time of year. It's about humanity.
It's pretty awesome to consider with all the evil out there in the BIG BAD WORLD. That there is a pretty universal holiday based solely on good will toward fellow men and starting over around the new year. This is a magical season of possibilities. There is something other worldly about being in this town of lights. You get caught up in the beauty of the neon and crayon colored orbs glowing against the pitch black night sky.
It's where people congregate and create a living breathing organism, a moment in time captured every year. It is unbelievably fantastic.
Song of the Moment: Blow Away by: A Fine Frenzy
Play of the Moment: A Number by: Carol Churchill
On another note I saw THIS car on campus and around town. I originally thought it was a Shelby Cobra and was CLEARLY wrong. It's still way awesome because it's pretty rare.
http://www.pininfarina.com/index/storiaModelli/modelli.html?scheda.php?id=57&cmp=anno&ord=desc&sl=6&ids=6oq5d9jq66l4rvvrplbjdjmcp2
Tomorrow GALA opens. I don't know what it is, but it is something about Christmas that puts people in a sarcastic David Sadaris mood that I love to eat with a spoon. By that I mood I mean that everyone hates the holiday so much that they are simultaneously entranced and repulsed by it. We can't fathom how some individuals could possibly be so full of "cheer" and "joy". But, we can't help but get infected it by it as well. Even if it's just an instant. And you know that moment I am talking about. It's giving a loved one a gift because you love to give. It's buying a can of cranberry sauce because you can't make it home for Christmas dinner this year. It's secretly singing Christmas tunes while driving in your car. Or it's slipping your change into those Salvation Army people's container and not taking the tootsie roll.
It's the holiday you love to hate.
I posted an article awhile on my facebook from the AHA. (The American Humanist Association) It was saying how they are campaigning this Christmas with the slogan "No God. No Problem." They are reminding the 15% of people in America that they aren't alone. This group of people is known by Psychologists as the "Nones" is a growing population in America that subscribe to no religion when polled. There main message is that "Humanism is the idea that you can be good without the belief in God." Finally! Someone else said it. Sure I have friends that recognize this idea but no one ever really says it out loud. I get sick of the argument that only BAD people aren't religious. On the contrary some of the best people I have ever met aren't religious. They are instead very respectful and conscious individuals.
Now, even if you are religious and subscribe to a religion you shouldn't do good because GOD told you to. You shouldn't be Catholic because someone TOLD you to and someone said it was RIGHT. I think too many people get hung up on the concept of making the "right" choice. Life is a lot of mistakes. You wouldn't learn without those mistakes. Religion is all about free will. Exercise your free will and discover what you really believe.
This was a huge debate in my World Theatre Studies in class today. Typical to my fashion I threw my two cents into the mix and as my friend Nick says, caused a LOT of trouble. My teacher got a little flustered at first but after class came up to me an thanked me for starting an intellectual discussion in class. This teacher really wants me to "not waste my mind" and go to Graduate school at LSU.
Maybe I am supposed to be an academic the rest of my life? I don't know about that but I know I do love learning and if I could I'd spend the rest of my days in school or just educating myself about things that interest me I'd be pretty happy.
I guess the post comes down to reminding everyone this holiday season that it's not really about just ourselves this time of year. It's about humanity.
It's pretty awesome to consider with all the evil out there in the BIG BAD WORLD. That there is a pretty universal holiday based solely on good will toward fellow men and starting over around the new year. This is a magical season of possibilities. There is something other worldly about being in this town of lights. You get caught up in the beauty of the neon and crayon colored orbs glowing against the pitch black night sky.
It's where people congregate and create a living breathing organism, a moment in time captured every year. It is unbelievably fantastic.
Song of the Moment: Blow Away by: A Fine Frenzy
Play of the Moment: A Number by: Carol Churchill
She had no greater wish then to move like smoke. Elegant, flowing, ethereal...ever present but quickly dispersing into the air. Smoke that lingers only in sense memory, caught in your hair right before you shower. The kind of smoke that only appears in a good film noir.
He sat across from her and watched the smoke from her smoldering cigar play in the faint candle light. He had no idea why he was attracted to her. She didn’t make much sense to him. She was whimsical and serious all at the same time. He could never quite read her. She was like the Sunday LA times crossword puzzle; long elaborate and quite impossible to figure out. But if one put forth the time and effort they would feel rewarded by their sheer accomplishment. All metaphors aside he knew one thing that she excited him.
She was like trying to hold mercury in his hand. You had to have the perfect grasp on her otherwise if you were too tight she’d slip right out of you reach. And if you didn’t hang on to her she just slid right off you hand. The only problem with finally figuring out how to keep her around was that she like mercury wasn’t exactly good for your health. You could keep her around but she needed to be encased in a thin glass tube, meant for one to only look and never touch.
She tapped her cigar lightly against her fingers to ash the growing cherry. She knew he was looking at her but wasn't quite sure if she enjoyed his gaze. Instead of focusing on the intensity at which he watched her she let her mind give into the general buzz of life in the room. She could feel the pulse of the piano. The tingle of the white and black keys mixed with the peaceful swaying of the room. She only ever relayed on her feelings. Unlike, the look he gave her she was sure of this energy. Men's glances made her nervous and always put her ill at ease. But, she could feel this energy, this heart beat of the music taking over her mind. It was a bit like being intoxicated. She loved every minute of it. The bittersweet echo of the piano and white noise of the general group around her. Here is were she felt alive and lazy all together. Just like a lionesses, patiently switching her tail from left to right. Watching everyone and playing out different scenarios in her mind. Calculating everyone’s next move. She loved the intoxicated feeling of it all. She was one of the few great watchers left in the world.
With a lull of her head to the side she made eye contact with him. He had one of those gazes like a combination lock, once you reached a certain number you can't go any further. You locked eyes with him and you'd better like number the 23 because you were going to be there for awhile. This was a bad equation for her, she wasn't the type of woman to be controlled by a man. In fact she tended to run from them. Normally, men would be more than happy to let her run. They always assumed she'd come back.
"It's gone out.", his voice seemed to shatter the smokey coma that she was entranced by as he pointed to her extinguished cigar.
"It appears you are correct." She almost murmured under her breath.
"Would you care for a light? Perhaps another gin and tonic? Or we could pick up where we were before we left the office.", the glint in his eyes was almost enough to make her smile. Almost enough.
"No, I think I am done for the evening.", the tone in her voice slightly short, "I very seldom mix business with pleasure and tonight I feel as if we have almost gone a bit too far."
"I don't understand how a woman of your means. One who enjoys many of the finer things in life could be so adverse to pleasure.", he mused.
He had laid his ace rather earlier in the evening. There he was twenty three staring her in the face and she couldn't get passed him. The only way she'd get around him was to back track a bit.
"I don't think our business together should have anything to do with pleasure.", her voice was bordering on
"You should know by now if you want to get anywhere in life you have to be willing to make plenty of sacrifices." he spoke.
With a smirk she took out her matches and picked up the remains of her cigar. He was faster than she was and she didn't like that. As he struck the match and helped her light her cigar she could see his features in the soft bright hot light radiating from the match head.
He had a soft olive skin, probably of Mediterranean descent. His big brown eyes gazed into her green ones with an intensity that startled her. He had a lazy beauty about him.
Or at least somewhere in her subconscious was the ever present concept of this charade that they were playing. This farce of this veiled intimacy she knew all to well. It was as if a sheet had been lain across her eyes and all she could feel
His hand lightly grazed the top of hers as he set her matches back on the table. That same glint in his eyes that had almost persuaded a smile before managed
With that smile she knew what she had to do.
"Pardon me for a moment, I would like to visit the ladies room.", She grabbed her purse and quickened her steps to seek refuge in a place where it was forbidden for men to go. She had to seek some solace even if it was just mental.
He figured she would come back. She had to come back. No woman ever really turned him down. But, what he didn't figure into the equation was the tiny droplets of blood on the floor of the woman's restroom. The glass in the window had been easy enough to shatter with her hands the jump had taken a fair greater reserve of courage.
She was suddenly startled by the sound of a waiter dropping his tray an a cascade of wine glasses shattering on the floor. The same waiter embarrassed by his actions tripped and sent the contents of the couples table to the floor. The waiter's profuse apologies were droned out by the sound of the couples laughter. The man smiled at the woman and the two came to a silent decision together.
He sat across from her and watched the smoke from her smoldering cigar play in the faint candle light. He had no idea why he was attracted to her. She didn’t make much sense to him. She was whimsical and serious all at the same time. He could never quite read her. She was like the Sunday LA times crossword puzzle; long elaborate and quite impossible to figure out. But if one put forth the time and effort they would feel rewarded by their sheer accomplishment. All metaphors aside he knew one thing that she excited him.
She was like trying to hold mercury in his hand. You had to have the perfect grasp on her otherwise if you were too tight she’d slip right out of you reach. And if you didn’t hang on to her she just slid right off you hand. The only problem with finally figuring out how to keep her around was that she like mercury wasn’t exactly good for your health. You could keep her around but she needed to be encased in a thin glass tube, meant for one to only look and never touch.
She tapped her cigar lightly against her fingers to ash the growing cherry. She knew he was looking at her but wasn't quite sure if she enjoyed his gaze. Instead of focusing on the intensity at which he watched her she let her mind give into the general buzz of life in the room. She could feel the pulse of the piano. The tingle of the white and black keys mixed with the peaceful swaying of the room. She only ever relayed on her feelings. Unlike, the look he gave her she was sure of this energy. Men's glances made her nervous and always put her ill at ease. But, she could feel this energy, this heart beat of the music taking over her mind. It was a bit like being intoxicated. She loved every minute of it. The bittersweet echo of the piano and white noise of the general group around her. Here is were she felt alive and lazy all together. Just like a lionesses, patiently switching her tail from left to right. Watching everyone and playing out different scenarios in her mind. Calculating everyone’s next move. She loved the intoxicated feeling of it all. She was one of the few great watchers left in the world.
With a lull of her head to the side she made eye contact with him. He had one of those gazes like a combination lock, once you reached a certain number you can't go any further. You locked eyes with him and you'd better like number the 23 because you were going to be there for awhile. This was a bad equation for her, she wasn't the type of woman to be controlled by a man. In fact she tended to run from them. Normally, men would be more than happy to let her run. They always assumed she'd come back.
"It's gone out.", his voice seemed to shatter the smokey coma that she was entranced by as he pointed to her extinguished cigar.
"It appears you are correct." She almost murmured under her breath.
"Would you care for a light? Perhaps another gin and tonic? Or we could pick up where we were before we left the office.", the glint in his eyes was almost enough to make her smile. Almost enough.
"No, I think I am done for the evening.", the tone in her voice slightly short, "I very seldom mix business with pleasure and tonight I feel as if we have almost gone a bit too far."
"I don't understand how a woman of your means. One who enjoys many of the finer things in life could be so adverse to pleasure.", he mused.
He had laid his ace rather earlier in the evening. There he was twenty three staring her in the face and she couldn't get passed him. The only way she'd get around him was to back track a bit.
"I don't think our business together should have anything to do with pleasure.", her voice was bordering on
"You should know by now if you want to get anywhere in life you have to be willing to make plenty of sacrifices." he spoke.
With a smirk she took out her matches and picked up the remains of her cigar. He was faster than she was and she didn't like that. As he struck the match and helped her light her cigar she could see his features in the soft bright hot light radiating from the match head.
He had a soft olive skin, probably of Mediterranean descent. His big brown eyes gazed into her green ones with an intensity that startled her. He had a lazy beauty about him.
Or at least somewhere in her subconscious was the ever present concept of this charade that they were playing. This farce of this veiled intimacy she knew all to well. It was as if a sheet had been lain across her eyes and all she could feel
His hand lightly grazed the top of hers as he set her matches back on the table. That same glint in his eyes that had almost persuaded a smile before managed
With that smile she knew what she had to do.
"Pardon me for a moment, I would like to visit the ladies room.", She grabbed her purse and quickened her steps to seek refuge in a place where it was forbidden for men to go. She had to seek some solace even if it was just mental.
He figured she would come back. She had to come back. No woman ever really turned him down. But, what he didn't figure into the equation was the tiny droplets of blood on the floor of the woman's restroom. The glass in the window had been easy enough to shatter with her hands the jump had taken a fair greater reserve of courage.
She was suddenly startled by the sound of a waiter dropping his tray an a cascade of wine glasses shattering on the floor. The same waiter embarrassed by his actions tripped and sent the contents of the couples table to the floor. The waiter's profuse apologies were droned out by the sound of the couples laughter. The man smiled at the woman and the two came to a silent decision together.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
If it's not the weather then hand me my leather.
Rain + Wind+ Cold = Suck
However...
Thousands of Christmas Lights + Christmas Spirit + Gala = Awesome
Welcome folks to Natchitoches the REAL city of lights. No Lie.
*I started this blog before I went to Wal-Mart*
I am now back from Wal-Mart. I got stuck in the freezing rain with about 10 Wal-Mart bags in my hands. Fun right!!??? I mean who doesn't love shivering in the cold while you feel your arms slowly snapping in two??? I mean it is totally MY favorite past time.
On the way to Wal-Mart I saw a sign that said Chuck Norris approves Raising Canes.
I wish I could philosophically expound on this issue, but I can't. I just needed to share that.
I got an A on my last directing scene. Julius Cesar but set in the 60's and taking a TON of inspiration from the TV show Mad Men. That is my first official A in that class. I've gotten A-'s and B's but this is my first A. I'm stoked.
I have a short story due tomorrow in Concepts of Design. I will definitely post the final product on my blog tomorrow. I now have an excuse to finish the tons of creative writing projects I have started over the past year. Hopefully everyone enjoys my story/writing.
Well I have wet groceries to unload now!!! Till tomorrow...
However...
Thousands of Christmas Lights + Christmas Spirit + Gala = Awesome
Welcome folks to Natchitoches the REAL city of lights. No Lie.
*I started this blog before I went to Wal-Mart*
I am now back from Wal-Mart. I got stuck in the freezing rain with about 10 Wal-Mart bags in my hands. Fun right!!??? I mean who doesn't love shivering in the cold while you feel your arms slowly snapping in two??? I mean it is totally MY favorite past time.
On the way to Wal-Mart I saw a sign that said Chuck Norris approves Raising Canes.
I wish I could philosophically expound on this issue, but I can't. I just needed to share that.
I got an A on my last directing scene. Julius Cesar but set in the 60's and taking a TON of inspiration from the TV show Mad Men. That is my first official A in that class. I've gotten A-'s and B's but this is my first A. I'm stoked.
I have a short story due tomorrow in Concepts of Design. I will definitely post the final product on my blog tomorrow. I now have an excuse to finish the tons of creative writing projects I have started over the past year. Hopefully everyone enjoys my story/writing.
Well I have wet groceries to unload now!!! Till tomorrow...
Sunday, November 29, 2009
People put up walls.
This is stupid.
Fear is what we learn.
I just have to keep reminding myself that it is all worth it.
God I wish I didn't have to drive back to Natchitoches.
I am really unhappy with myself right now. This sucks. I just feel fat. I need to go to the gym and run and enjoy being active again. I need a good cry and I definitely feel one coming on.
I just get so tired of being a good person.
I just wish school was over already.
I hate when my friends are busy. It reminds me of how lonely I am without them.
This is stupid.
Fear is what we learn.
I just have to keep reminding myself that it is all worth it.
God I wish I didn't have to drive back to Natchitoches.
I am really unhappy with myself right now. This sucks. I just feel fat. I need to go to the gym and run and enjoy being active again. I need a good cry and I definitely feel one coming on.
I just get so tired of being a good person.
I just wish school was over already.
I hate when my friends are busy. It reminds me of how lonely I am without them.
And I'm trying to do the best I can but I'm a limited primitive kind of man
I really would like to post something but I can't think of much to say.
I guess I'll just say that I find it utterly interesting that people can still think about our previous boyfriends/girlfriends. I friend of mine told me about a episode of This American Life from a few years ago. A young man called an ex of his in hope to find out how she had been doing and where her life was going. It spoke of how we as humans can obsess over the actions we have done in the past. And a possible reason as to why we check up on former partners is to check in and evaluate if we have actually made the right decision. It somewhat supports my opinion of how as humans we don't really wish harm on those we with which have shared portions of our life. ( I guess my underlying optimism shines through once again. ) It's that feeling you get when you discover that the supposed love of your life is happier then they ever were with you. It's earth shatteringly thought provoking, because clearly if they can find someone that makes them that happy then there is definitely someone out there for you.
Maybe it all goes back to the fact that we are constantly searching for that moment. The moment when being with one person is just right. There are no hesitations or thoughts of how something could be made better. It's not tolerance or contentment. It's just right and you know it. Once you've experienced that feeling you are constantly searching for it whether consciously or unconsciously aware of it. I can speak of this same moment in all forms of art. It's snapping a photo that speaks volumes or experiencing that feeling of energized electricity of a "real" moment on stage.
In the theatre world we constantly speak of obtaining moments and recreating the same moment with the same intensity that we had the night before. Creating a constant in an extremely volatile and inconstant world. If you've ever gone to a play and seen what I speak of then you know what I mean. If not then think of the time that you looked into someones eyes and you swore you say fireflies or radiant orbs of golden light surround them when they spoke. When your skin felt like pure static electricity when grazed by anther's hand. Or merely how you feel alone in your own space while singing in the shower or dancing to your favorite song naked and you KNOW no one can see you.
We are constantly searching for unobtainablely obtainable moments in our lives. Because deep down we don't remember days. We remember moments. Snapshots are what fill our memories and minds. Good or bad our head is a photo album of our life where different places,peoples,songs,actions, or anything really could trigger some time of memory.
Things like this fascinate the hell out of me. It makes my life worth living. It makes the story worth writing and the wine worth drinking.
Song of the moment: Carmensita By: Devendra Banhart and The Denial Twist By: The White Stripes
I guess I'll just say that I find it utterly interesting that people can still think about our previous boyfriends/girlfriends. I friend of mine told me about a episode of This American Life from a few years ago. A young man called an ex of his in hope to find out how she had been doing and where her life was going. It spoke of how we as humans can obsess over the actions we have done in the past. And a possible reason as to why we check up on former partners is to check in and evaluate if we have actually made the right decision. It somewhat supports my opinion of how as humans we don't really wish harm on those we with which have shared portions of our life. ( I guess my underlying optimism shines through once again. ) It's that feeling you get when you discover that the supposed love of your life is happier then they ever were with you. It's earth shatteringly thought provoking, because clearly if they can find someone that makes them that happy then there is definitely someone out there for you.
Maybe it all goes back to the fact that we are constantly searching for that moment. The moment when being with one person is just right. There are no hesitations or thoughts of how something could be made better. It's not tolerance or contentment. It's just right and you know it. Once you've experienced that feeling you are constantly searching for it whether consciously or unconsciously aware of it. I can speak of this same moment in all forms of art. It's snapping a photo that speaks volumes or experiencing that feeling of energized electricity of a "real" moment on stage.
In the theatre world we constantly speak of obtaining moments and recreating the same moment with the same intensity that we had the night before. Creating a constant in an extremely volatile and inconstant world. If you've ever gone to a play and seen what I speak of then you know what I mean. If not then think of the time that you looked into someones eyes and you swore you say fireflies or radiant orbs of golden light surround them when they spoke. When your skin felt like pure static electricity when grazed by anther's hand. Or merely how you feel alone in your own space while singing in the shower or dancing to your favorite song naked and you KNOW no one can see you.
We are constantly searching for unobtainablely obtainable moments in our lives. Because deep down we don't remember days. We remember moments. Snapshots are what fill our memories and minds. Good or bad our head is a photo album of our life where different places,peoples,songs,actions, or anything really could trigger some time of memory.
Things like this fascinate the hell out of me. It makes my life worth living. It makes the story worth writing and the wine worth drinking.
Song of the moment: Carmensita By: Devendra Banhart and The Denial Twist By: The White Stripes
Friday, November 27, 2009
Don't Stop the Mullet
For the first night in my life I went to 80's Night at the Spanish Moon.
There was a very very awkward man with a mullet who would walk up to some of the girls I was with, including myself, and touch us on the shoulder. It made me completely uncomfortable. Minus said Mullet Man I had an awesome time.
I have a few things to say.
1. Had the best Thanksgiving of her life tonight.
2. I had that Don't Stop Believing Moment again in my life. The one were you are enjoying the song some much that you might never be able to replicate it again. Or at least for a very long time.
3. Multiple people told me they loved my hair and thought it looks great. Which makes me feel really great. This past week I have been told I look like two very beautiful women. One is Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy. I would love to believe this statement but I am pretty sure it is just because of the way my hair looks when I put in a pony tail now. The other women I was told I look like is my Aunt Sylvia. That is a huge compliment to me. She was very attractive. : )
4. I learned that you can have that same moment I spoke of earlier without a significant other in your arms. Instead you can have your sweaty arms wrapped around some of your best friends.
5. No matter what you will always second guess yourself. But, you shouldn't let that get to you. Just because a guy liked almost a year ago doesn't mean that is constant. There is a tragic beauty in the sublime fact that the world and human beings are continuously changing and creating and even destroying.
6. You can still have sexual chemistry with someone even after a long time. Sometimes people just dig one another.
7. Can say at this moment in her life she has no regrets. I am very proud of myself for that reason. I wouldn't be the person I am today without those choices I have made.
Two idea for short stories. One is the harsh reality of my family. That was the original concept of my post.
Second is the awkward intimacy between older men and women after they have been divorced or widowed.
Which is a huge cue for some lines in my mind.
Beth awoken to the sound of her cats purring in her ear. In a daze that soon melted into the lethargy that was a hang over she panicked. She was going to be late. In the pit of her stomach a tidal wave a guilt and remorse pummeled her mind. She climbed out of bed and noticed the smell first. It was that same smokey odor she became so familiar with this past year of her life. The same feeling you get when you realize you are wearing the very same clothes you so meticulously picked out the night before. The smoke had settled into her pores as well as the blades of her golden highlighted hair. With 20 minutes to make it to her only nieces Baptism what was a girl to do?
She hobbled her way to the bathroom next to her bedroom. She could barely stand up not because she still felt the alcohol in her system but rather because she had stood up all last night in heels. This clearly meant she'd wear flats for the Baptism. She whipped open her closet and grabbed her stand by black dress. And on second thought put the black dress up and held onto a bright burgundy one. Then with a third and final prevailing thought she picked up her teal jersey knit dress she loved. When in doubt always go with your third choice. Some people call that settling but not Beth. Beth liked to think of her third choices like well informed decision making. After all if she went for her first choice she'd be getting what she wanted. And always getting what you want never works out very well.
There was a very very awkward man with a mullet who would walk up to some of the girls I was with, including myself, and touch us on the shoulder. It made me completely uncomfortable. Minus said Mullet Man I had an awesome time.
I have a few things to say.
1. Had the best Thanksgiving of her life tonight.
2. I had that Don't Stop Believing Moment again in my life. The one were you are enjoying the song some much that you might never be able to replicate it again. Or at least for a very long time.
3. Multiple people told me they loved my hair and thought it looks great. Which makes me feel really great. This past week I have been told I look like two very beautiful women. One is Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy. I would love to believe this statement but I am pretty sure it is just because of the way my hair looks when I put in a pony tail now. The other women I was told I look like is my Aunt Sylvia. That is a huge compliment to me. She was very attractive. : )
4. I learned that you can have that same moment I spoke of earlier without a significant other in your arms. Instead you can have your sweaty arms wrapped around some of your best friends.
5. No matter what you will always second guess yourself. But, you shouldn't let that get to you. Just because a guy liked almost a year ago doesn't mean that is constant. There is a tragic beauty in the sublime fact that the world and human beings are continuously changing and creating and even destroying.
6. You can still have sexual chemistry with someone even after a long time. Sometimes people just dig one another.
7. Can say at this moment in her life she has no regrets. I am very proud of myself for that reason. I wouldn't be the person I am today without those choices I have made.
Two idea for short stories. One is the harsh reality of my family. That was the original concept of my post.
Second is the awkward intimacy between older men and women after they have been divorced or widowed.
Which is a huge cue for some lines in my mind.
Beth awoken to the sound of her cats purring in her ear. In a daze that soon melted into the lethargy that was a hang over she panicked. She was going to be late. In the pit of her stomach a tidal wave a guilt and remorse pummeled her mind. She climbed out of bed and noticed the smell first. It was that same smokey odor she became so familiar with this past year of her life. The same feeling you get when you realize you are wearing the very same clothes you so meticulously picked out the night before. The smoke had settled into her pores as well as the blades of her golden highlighted hair. With 20 minutes to make it to her only nieces Baptism what was a girl to do?
She hobbled her way to the bathroom next to her bedroom. She could barely stand up not because she still felt the alcohol in her system but rather because she had stood up all last night in heels. This clearly meant she'd wear flats for the Baptism. She whipped open her closet and grabbed her stand by black dress. And on second thought put the black dress up and held onto a bright burgundy one. Then with a third and final prevailing thought she picked up her teal jersey knit dress she loved. When in doubt always go with your third choice. Some people call that settling but not Beth. Beth liked to think of her third choices like well informed decision making. After all if she went for her first choice she'd be getting what she wanted. And always getting what you want never works out very well.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Eh Eh Eh Nothing Else I Can Say...
I bought the new Lady GaGa CD today. I know she could very easily be made fun of but I think she is pretty smart. To me she represents a giant parody of our labeled and celebrity obessed society. Anyway, her CD is enjoyable.
On a more somber note...Yesterday the guy I have been "talking" to admited to me that he didn't really have feelings for me. He was actually very plesant about it. He explained how he felt I did everything "right" and it wasn't my fault, he just didn't feel a spark. True to my fashion I wrote a very complex note via facebook explaining how I felt and how I wanted to continue our friendship. I agreed with him, I didn't really feel a spark when we were together. That statement might partially be a lie but it wasn't the feeling I get when I KNOW I want to be with someone. I think there was something there, it just wasn't strong enough. What happened next surprised me. I got a note saying that I was possibly the most understanding and sweet girl he had ever met. I double edged sword, right?
I don't know why but in situations of relationships I just am always so self sacrificing. I am incredibly sweet, it is a downfall. Even in regards to break-ups I just really want to see the other person happy. And I am more bummed about not being able to fill that void for another person then I am upset about it ending. If that makes any sense at all. I guess, I just feel life is too short to stay mad at someone because something didn't work out. I don't enjoy harboring hate it makes me moody and annoyed.
In regards of this guy too I just feel like he is misunderstood. Maybe not completely and utterly but I know of a few people who aren't his biggest fan. Granted his track record might not be pristine but I think people grow and they learn from their mistakes. He could have been a total jerk and never spoken to me again like when we were 15. But he didn't he told the truth. Which is much more then some men can do. I think I also just get people and I assume that he has dealt with people not understanding him his whole life. That is definitely not easy. I remember people not getting me or my humor growing up and I can just relate. Everytime we spent time together I got this feeling that he never stopped thinking, that in itself is a curse. If you can't turn down the noise in your mind sometimes you come across as odd. Instead of figuring out how to turn down that noise people turn to vices to find that click or that solace that is craved. Whatever it is I sincerely hope that he find someone who does get him and provides him with that spark.
I can thank him for one thing. I didn't think about Stephen when I was with him. He helped me get out of a stagnate period of my life and remember that people do find me attractive and I am a truly good person. Yes, you don't NEED someone in your life to remind you of those things but sometimes it helps remind you that you are headed in the right direction. That someone sees the hard work you strive to put in and someone just clicks with you. It's that whole us against the world feeling. I am not saying that is what I felt with him. But, that is ultimately what we are all looking for right?
Maybe I am too much of a romantic to believe in all the optimism and growth and change I see in the world. I don't mean a LOVE romantic. I mean someone who looks through rose colored glasses and see the glass half full kind of romantic. I've made it 22 years like this, I think I can make it the rest of my life.
Song of the Moment: I Just Haven't Met You Yet By: Michael Buble
On a more somber note...Yesterday the guy I have been "talking" to admited to me that he didn't really have feelings for me. He was actually very plesant about it. He explained how he felt I did everything "right" and it wasn't my fault, he just didn't feel a spark. True to my fashion I wrote a very complex note via facebook explaining how I felt and how I wanted to continue our friendship. I agreed with him, I didn't really feel a spark when we were together. That statement might partially be a lie but it wasn't the feeling I get when I KNOW I want to be with someone. I think there was something there, it just wasn't strong enough. What happened next surprised me. I got a note saying that I was possibly the most understanding and sweet girl he had ever met. I double edged sword, right?
I don't know why but in situations of relationships I just am always so self sacrificing. I am incredibly sweet, it is a downfall. Even in regards to break-ups I just really want to see the other person happy. And I am more bummed about not being able to fill that void for another person then I am upset about it ending. If that makes any sense at all. I guess, I just feel life is too short to stay mad at someone because something didn't work out. I don't enjoy harboring hate it makes me moody and annoyed.
In regards of this guy too I just feel like he is misunderstood. Maybe not completely and utterly but I know of a few people who aren't his biggest fan. Granted his track record might not be pristine but I think people grow and they learn from their mistakes. He could have been a total jerk and never spoken to me again like when we were 15. But he didn't he told the truth. Which is much more then some men can do. I think I also just get people and I assume that he has dealt with people not understanding him his whole life. That is definitely not easy. I remember people not getting me or my humor growing up and I can just relate. Everytime we spent time together I got this feeling that he never stopped thinking, that in itself is a curse. If you can't turn down the noise in your mind sometimes you come across as odd. Instead of figuring out how to turn down that noise people turn to vices to find that click or that solace that is craved. Whatever it is I sincerely hope that he find someone who does get him and provides him with that spark.
I can thank him for one thing. I didn't think about Stephen when I was with him. He helped me get out of a stagnate period of my life and remember that people do find me attractive and I am a truly good person. Yes, you don't NEED someone in your life to remind you of those things but sometimes it helps remind you that you are headed in the right direction. That someone sees the hard work you strive to put in and someone just clicks with you. It's that whole us against the world feeling. I am not saying that is what I felt with him. But, that is ultimately what we are all looking for right?
Maybe I am too much of a romantic to believe in all the optimism and growth and change I see in the world. I don't mean a LOVE romantic. I mean someone who looks through rose colored glasses and see the glass half full kind of romantic. I've made it 22 years like this, I think I can make it the rest of my life.
Song of the Moment: I Just Haven't Met You Yet By: Michael Buble
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Baptized in a Bathroom
So apparently it is my season to have awkward incidents.
Last night I went to a party and had a decent time except for two things.
1. A guy I was "talking" to completely ignored me the entire night.
2. At the end of the night I knew it was time for me to leave when people began to laugh about the prison mail that the house received. I felt completely apart from what was going on as I looked at the picture of this poor man jail's eleven year old son. This man sent a picture to a house that he believed his cousin to live at. The kid wrote on the back of this photo. It was VERY likely it is one a few photos the man actually has of a his son and he GAVE it up. I don't find that funny and couldn't laugh at it. Then again I find it very hard to laugh with people who find other's circumstances so humorous.
During this awkward moment I had this surreal Jack Kerouac moment. As I observed all the hipster kids laughing over this "highly amusing" letter and picture. I felt completely apart from my generation. I started to imagine so many of the people I knew at the party as characters in a Kerouac novel, all pretentious and destructively beautiful at the same time. I don't know maybe it's the whole moth to flame idea but, I was oddly fascinated and repulsed by the situation. Then again I, like Kerouac, tend to "hang" with those "philosophical geniuses" and would much rather observe them and write about them then anything. I guess it just further supports my concept of a Beat Generation Renaissance. We are at a point in our lives where people thing their opinions and statements are the gospel truth. People change and opinions change. Pot won't get you closer to God and won't give you the power to see through walls even though you might feel like it does. Ground Control to Major Tom, put down the roach clip!
But that isn't the point of my post.
My real point is my OTHER awkward story. Today, I went to Jason's Deli with my two friends Morgan and Chris. While there I had the sudden urge to go to the bathroom. I went and when I got into the women's room I noticed that all three stalls were taken. So, I waited and while doing so noticed that two women were in the handicapped stall. I finally was able to get into a stall and as I began to pull my pants down realized that the two women were talking about Jesus. One women was basically performing a "saving" act on the other woman. I heard between murmurs of crying and whispers. "Please let her have only the words of Jesus come out of her mouth and not let the Devil grasp her soul." At this exact moment I had a decision to make. I could go to the bathroom and get out of there. Or I could pull up my pants and leave and hold it till I finished my meal and do my business in the privacy of my own bathroom. I bit the bullet and chose the first.
I am constantly amazed that people have to justify their wrong doings by placing the blame on another person or another non-existent entity. Now, I am NOT saying that God doesn't exist because I know somewhere in the world someone would read my blog and bitch me out about the Lord's higher powers. I am just saying that people in general lay the blame for their own inadequacies on others. Believe me I KNOW I am guilty of it but I try to censor it. For example I got into a huge argument with someone about how sex is PURELY a biological act. I'm sorry but I think that is an embittered cynical sexist comment void of any emotion. It's basis is biology but that doesn't mean that it's the only thing that cranks the tractor. "Oh yes honey I am so turned on by the pure fact that you will insert your penis into my vagina and NOTHING else."
People generally amaze me. The things we do to put up walls in relationships to merely survive our short time here on earth utterly baffles me. I can't handle this bleak view of the world most of the time. If you like someone then like them. Drink every moment as if it's your last drop. If you don't then you will end up being the embittered scientist with a staunch biological opinion on everything. Nothing is BLACK AND WHITE. Science is the basis of it all but spirit is the glue that holds it all together.
Now I am getting off my high horse and hitting the hay.
Song of the Moment: "I'm Not Waiting" From the Musical It's Only Life
Play of the Moment: Master Harold and the Boys By Athol Fugard
P.s.
I love feeling the inner fire of myself finally come back to life after such a long time. I have never taken people's shit but lately I've been really pushing it in their faces. So say hello to a bigger and better fiery blog.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Are we breaking up? Is there trouble between you and I?
So a friend of mine text messaged me that he needed to talk to me two nights ago.
He later told me he wanted to talk to me because he was having serious doubts about his relationship with his girlfriend. Then he said he had a mild crush on me.
We talked. I told him he owed it to his girlfriend to talk to her about what was bothering him. If he felt the relationship was worth saving then they could fix it. But, if he felt that it was a lost cause then he should break up with her because in the end that is the better choice. You shouldn't perpetuate feelings that aren't there. I also told him I don't have feelings for him.
I also asked him how long he has ever been single. He has only ever been single for no more than 9 months in his life. I am amazed more and more how people float from one person to the next. We define ourselves by our interactions with others and not ourselves for a large portion of our life. And yet we will be single for a LARGE portion of our lives. It's like we can't handle being alone so we begin our hunt for the next victim quite often on the coat tails of the end of another relationship. I don't think that is right. In my belief system you should be content and happy with yourself and being isolated before you look to being in a relationship. I know a lot of people disagree with me but this is just my opinion.
None the less, human beings greatly fascinate me.
I find it is very hard when you are in a situation like this. I am very clinical and forward. I tell the person out right that I don't have feelings for them and I don't mind being their friend. Maybe I lack compassion sometimes?? I don't know. I just know that I would want someone to tell me that. That way I could move on with my life and I wouldn't be lead on.
On a completely different note I LOVE learning new things! I was watching this awesome channel I get called Ovation. It's like a snobby version of PBS dedicated to the ARTS!!! How amazing is that???!!! Anyway they had this show on The Bauhaus.
If you don't know about it read about it!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bauhaus
Song of the Moment: "Everything Up (Zizou)" By: Zero 7
Play of the Moment: Old Times By: Harold Pinter
He later told me he wanted to talk to me because he was having serious doubts about his relationship with his girlfriend. Then he said he had a mild crush on me.
We talked. I told him he owed it to his girlfriend to talk to her about what was bothering him. If he felt the relationship was worth saving then they could fix it. But, if he felt that it was a lost cause then he should break up with her because in the end that is the better choice. You shouldn't perpetuate feelings that aren't there. I also told him I don't have feelings for him.
I also asked him how long he has ever been single. He has only ever been single for no more than 9 months in his life. I am amazed more and more how people float from one person to the next. We define ourselves by our interactions with others and not ourselves for a large portion of our life. And yet we will be single for a LARGE portion of our lives. It's like we can't handle being alone so we begin our hunt for the next victim quite often on the coat tails of the end of another relationship. I don't think that is right. In my belief system you should be content and happy with yourself and being isolated before you look to being in a relationship. I know a lot of people disagree with me but this is just my opinion.
None the less, human beings greatly fascinate me.
I find it is very hard when you are in a situation like this. I am very clinical and forward. I tell the person out right that I don't have feelings for them and I don't mind being their friend. Maybe I lack compassion sometimes?? I don't know. I just know that I would want someone to tell me that. That way I could move on with my life and I wouldn't be lead on.
On a completely different note I LOVE learning new things! I was watching this awesome channel I get called Ovation. It's like a snobby version of PBS dedicated to the ARTS!!! How amazing is that???!!! Anyway they had this show on The Bauhaus.
If you don't know about it read about it!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bauhaus
Song of the Moment: "Everything Up (Zizou)" By: Zero 7
Play of the Moment: Old Times By: Harold Pinter
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I think I have a problem taking compliments.
I become very awkward and don't know what to say.
But, I have a vagina and that makes me love compliments all the same.
I think I will try my best to for now on just say, "Thank You!" when I receive one.
One of the hardest things you will ever have to do is get over someone you loved. Moving on in general is very hard. You can't equate potential partners with that person. Everyone is a separate entity. Get used to it.
That is the story of my life. However, in true form I a breaking stride.
My new song of the moment and attitude is "I Haven't Met You Yet" By: Michale Buble.
Because I am 22 years old and haven't found the "one" and that is ok!!
I got told today I was like Carrie from Sex in the City today. Too bad I never really watched the show...
On a separate note, The Merry Widow opened tonight. It's awesome performing but I will be happy when this show is over. I will be very disappointed if this is my last show at NSU because it has been a pretty terrible experience.
I become very awkward and don't know what to say.
But, I have a vagina and that makes me love compliments all the same.
I think I will try my best to for now on just say, "Thank You!" when I receive one.
One of the hardest things you will ever have to do is get over someone you loved. Moving on in general is very hard. You can't equate potential partners with that person. Everyone is a separate entity. Get used to it.
That is the story of my life. However, in true form I a breaking stride.
My new song of the moment and attitude is "I Haven't Met You Yet" By: Michale Buble.
Because I am 22 years old and haven't found the "one" and that is ok!!
I got told today I was like Carrie from Sex in the City today. Too bad I never really watched the show...
On a separate note, The Merry Widow opened tonight. It's awesome performing but I will be happy when this show is over. I will be very disappointed if this is my last show at NSU because it has been a pretty terrible experience.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Goldeneye
I have a rather large gold spot in my right eye.
I can tell when someone who is looking at me has figured this out because they gain this look of pure bewilderment. I immediately say "Why yes I have a rather large gold dot in my eye."
It's a pretty funny conversation starter.
Tonight I got asked if that was my real eye color. After I went into my spiel about my eye the guy said, "I was just going to say that you have some of the most beautiful eyes."
Totally awkward. I have no idea how I do it but I manage to make some of the simplest situations awkward.
None the less I enjoyed the compliment. Even though it was given to me by a thirty year old opera singer whose make-up I was doing.
I don't know why I attract eccentric awkward older men...
I can tell when someone who is looking at me has figured this out because they gain this look of pure bewilderment. I immediately say "Why yes I have a rather large gold dot in my eye."
It's a pretty funny conversation starter.
Tonight I got asked if that was my real eye color. After I went into my spiel about my eye the guy said, "I was just going to say that you have some of the most beautiful eyes."
Totally awkward. I have no idea how I do it but I manage to make some of the simplest situations awkward.
None the less I enjoyed the compliment. Even though it was given to me by a thirty year old opera singer whose make-up I was doing.
I don't know why I attract eccentric awkward older men...
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Business Suit Politics
She had no greater wish then to move like smoke. Elegant, flowing, ethereal...ever present but quickly dispersing into the air. Smoke that lingers only in sense memory, caught in your hair right before you shower. The kind of smoke that only appears in a good film noir.
He sat across from her and watched the smoke from her smoldering cigar play in the faint candle light. He had no idea why he was attracted to her. She didn’t make much sense to him. She was whimsical and serious all at the same time. He could never quite read her. She was like the Sunday LA times crossword puzzle; long elaborate and quite impossible to figure out. But if one put forth the time and effort they would feel rewarded by their sheer accomplishment. All metaphors aside he knew one thing that she excited him.
She was like trying to hold mercury in his hand. You had to have the perfect grasp on her otherwise if you were too tight she’d slip right out of you reach. And if you didn’t hang on to her she just slid right off you hand. The only problem with finally figuring out how to keep her around was that she like mercury wasn’t exactly good for your health. You could keep her around but she needed to be encased in a thin glass tube, meant for one to only look and never touch.
She tapped her cigar lightly against her fingers to ash the growing cherry. She knew he was looking at her but wasn't quite sure if she enjoyed his gaze. Instead of focusing on the intensity at which he watched her she let her mind give into the general buzz of life in the room. She could feel the pulse of the piano. The tingle of the white and black keys mixed with the peaceful swaying of the room. She only ever relayed on her feelings. Unlike, the look he gave her she was sure of this energy. Men's glances made her nervous and always put her ill at ease. But, she could feel this energy, this heart beat of the music taking over her mind. It was a bit like being intoxicated. She loved every minute of it. The bittersweet echo of the piano and white noise of the general group around her. Here is were she felt alive and lazy all together. Just like a lionesses, patiently switching her tail from left to right. Watching everyone and playing out different scenarios in her mind. Calculating everyone’s next move. She loved the intoxicated feeling of it all. She was one of the few great watchers left in the world.
With a lull of her head to the side she made eye contact with him. He had one of those gazes like a combination lock, once you reached a certain number you can't go any further. You locked eyes with him and you'd better like number the 23 because you were going to be there for awhile. This was a bad equation for her, she wasn't the type of woman to be controlled by a man. In fact she tended to run from them. Normally, men would be more than happy to let her run. They always assumed she'd come back.
"It's gone out.", his voice seemed to shatter the smokey coma that she was entranced by as he pointed to her extinguished cigar.
"It appears you are correct." She almost murmured under her breath.
"Would you care for a light? Perhaps another gin and tonic? Or we could pick up where we were before we left the office.", the glint in his eyes was almost enough to make her smile. Almost enough.
"No, I think I am done for the evening.", the tone in her voice slightly short, "I very seldom mix business with pleasure and tonight I feel as if we have almost gone a bit too far."
"I don't understand how a woman of your means. One who enjoys any of the finer things in life could be so adverse to pleasure.", he mused.
He had laid his ace rather earlier in the evening. There he was twenty three staring her in the face. The only way she'd get around him was to back track a bit...
He sat across from her and watched the smoke from her smoldering cigar play in the faint candle light. He had no idea why he was attracted to her. She didn’t make much sense to him. She was whimsical and serious all at the same time. He could never quite read her. She was like the Sunday LA times crossword puzzle; long elaborate and quite impossible to figure out. But if one put forth the time and effort they would feel rewarded by their sheer accomplishment. All metaphors aside he knew one thing that she excited him.
She was like trying to hold mercury in his hand. You had to have the perfect grasp on her otherwise if you were too tight she’d slip right out of you reach. And if you didn’t hang on to her she just slid right off you hand. The only problem with finally figuring out how to keep her around was that she like mercury wasn’t exactly good for your health. You could keep her around but she needed to be encased in a thin glass tube, meant for one to only look and never touch.
She tapped her cigar lightly against her fingers to ash the growing cherry. She knew he was looking at her but wasn't quite sure if she enjoyed his gaze. Instead of focusing on the intensity at which he watched her she let her mind give into the general buzz of life in the room. She could feel the pulse of the piano. The tingle of the white and black keys mixed with the peaceful swaying of the room. She only ever relayed on her feelings. Unlike, the look he gave her she was sure of this energy. Men's glances made her nervous and always put her ill at ease. But, she could feel this energy, this heart beat of the music taking over her mind. It was a bit like being intoxicated. She loved every minute of it. The bittersweet echo of the piano and white noise of the general group around her. Here is were she felt alive and lazy all together. Just like a lionesses, patiently switching her tail from left to right. Watching everyone and playing out different scenarios in her mind. Calculating everyone’s next move. She loved the intoxicated feeling of it all. She was one of the few great watchers left in the world.
With a lull of her head to the side she made eye contact with him. He had one of those gazes like a combination lock, once you reached a certain number you can't go any further. You locked eyes with him and you'd better like number the 23 because you were going to be there for awhile. This was a bad equation for her, she wasn't the type of woman to be controlled by a man. In fact she tended to run from them. Normally, men would be more than happy to let her run. They always assumed she'd come back.
"It's gone out.", his voice seemed to shatter the smokey coma that she was entranced by as he pointed to her extinguished cigar.
"It appears you are correct." She almost murmured under her breath.
"Would you care for a light? Perhaps another gin and tonic? Or we could pick up where we were before we left the office.", the glint in his eyes was almost enough to make her smile. Almost enough.
"No, I think I am done for the evening.", the tone in her voice slightly short, "I very seldom mix business with pleasure and tonight I feel as if we have almost gone a bit too far."
"I don't understand how a woman of your means. One who enjoys any of the finer things in life could be so adverse to pleasure.", he mused.
He had laid his ace rather earlier in the evening. There he was twenty three staring her in the face. The only way she'd get around him was to back track a bit...
Weekend
I feel like I have accomplished absolutely nothing this weekend.
I have so many things I should have done. But, laziness has taken over.
On a lighter note. Nothing beat being awaken in the morning to two of your cats fighting on top of you and getting scratched all over you arm!!!!
God I love my pets!!!!
*Please note the sarcasm*
I have so many things I should have done. But, laziness has taken over.
On a lighter note. Nothing beat being awaken in the morning to two of your cats fighting on top of you and getting scratched all over you arm!!!!
God I love my pets!!!!
*Please note the sarcasm*
Friday, November 6, 2009
Tick Tock. Tick Tock.
Something I find absolutely frightening is that a moderate portion of people I attended high school with now attend college with are heading in the martial direction.
I am 22. I was one of the oldest people in my class and there are people younger than me or close to my age that are married, engaged, or pregnant. WTF???? When did this whole growing up thing happen to people that I know????
I just can't come to terms with the idea that some people have found their "better half" so early in life. Maybe I have been disillusioned over the past year but, I don't know if I could settle for anyone at this point in my life. There are so many places I want to see and so many things I want to do before I get tied down. Don't get me wrong being in a relationship is so seductively secure. To know that someone knows you that well, can please you, make you laugh, and be the center of your world is so EASY. That routine is so safe. I think to take care of yourself is a lot harder and more complicated. It is so much easier to make another person happy at this point in our lives. When in reality we should be making ourselves happy and discovering who WE are, we shouldn't be becoming a two person entity.
I guess, I just can't deal with safe. If I am getting married to someone it better be the "over the moon" kind of love. Not, "Oh, this guy knocked me up. It is the respectable thing to do." or "We have been together since high school and I am accustom to her/him." I know that sounds cheesy but I can't be content with mediocre. It doesn't have to be love at first sight or any kind of lovey dovey sickingly romantic but, you do have to know you can't live without that person.
I guess I am just sick of that high school concept of a relationship and am looking for something more. I don't need a friend with benefits but I don't think I am ready for a relationship right now. I don't want someone just interested in my for my body or my looks or eve my mind. I am looking for something that I won't know till it hits me. That is how relationships work. You know when you know. It's that simple.
Not really...
I am 22. I was one of the oldest people in my class and there are people younger than me or close to my age that are married, engaged, or pregnant. WTF???? When did this whole growing up thing happen to people that I know????
I just can't come to terms with the idea that some people have found their "better half" so early in life. Maybe I have been disillusioned over the past year but, I don't know if I could settle for anyone at this point in my life. There are so many places I want to see and so many things I want to do before I get tied down. Don't get me wrong being in a relationship is so seductively secure. To know that someone knows you that well, can please you, make you laugh, and be the center of your world is so EASY. That routine is so safe. I think to take care of yourself is a lot harder and more complicated. It is so much easier to make another person happy at this point in our lives. When in reality we should be making ourselves happy and discovering who WE are, we shouldn't be becoming a two person entity.
I guess, I just can't deal with safe. If I am getting married to someone it better be the "over the moon" kind of love. Not, "Oh, this guy knocked me up. It is the respectable thing to do." or "We have been together since high school and I am accustom to her/him." I know that sounds cheesy but I can't be content with mediocre. It doesn't have to be love at first sight or any kind of lovey dovey sickingly romantic but, you do have to know you can't live without that person.
I guess I am just sick of that high school concept of a relationship and am looking for something more. I don't need a friend with benefits but I don't think I am ready for a relationship right now. I don't want someone just interested in my for my body or my looks or eve my mind. I am looking for something that I won't know till it hits me. That is how relationships work. You know when you know. It's that simple.
Not really...
Two Face
I jsut want to start off by saying I hate people who are two faced and can not stand up for themselves. If you have a problem to me I beg you to bring it my attention. Do not go behind my back and talk about me. Do not treat me all happily when you see me and be a completely different person behind my back. No one appericates a liar.
On another note, my second season show got approved. Which means I get to direct an entire show all by myself next semester. ^^ It is pretty awesome if I do say so myself.
How do you know it is safe? How do you know where you stand in a relationship? Why is it so hard to get that message across to another person?
On another note, my second season show got approved. Which means I get to direct an entire show all by myself next semester. ^^ It is pretty awesome if I do say so myself.
How do you know it is safe? How do you know where you stand in a relationship? Why is it so hard to get that message across to another person?
Monday, November 2, 2009
I feel like a complete fat ass today. No more excuse, to the gym it is, every Monday Wednesday, and Friday. Time to stop being lazy.
I actually went to the gym today, for the first time in about a month. ><>< Oh well! That is my punishment for being a fatty.
I say this all jokingly. I do enjoy physical activity for more then just losing weight/toning.
However, I do not enjoy men who hit on women at the gym. I am in my zone with my Ipod in my ears. Do you really think I want to talk to you about how you think I am cute and want my phone number? Well, other girls might be polite but I am somewhat bitchy and ignore you. Please, don't follow me around the gym either. Then you are just a creeper.
Don't get me wrong I am slightly flattered but it is the gym. I didn't go there to get hit on. I went there to be on my OWN and not be bothered. It happens to be my happy place so don't fuck with it!!!
Sorry I just needed to get that out there and in the open.
P.s.
I am taking a trip to LSU to discuss graduate schools at the end of November ><
I actually went to the gym today, for the first time in about a month. ><>< Oh well! That is my punishment for being a fatty.
I say this all jokingly. I do enjoy physical activity for more then just losing weight/toning.
However, I do not enjoy men who hit on women at the gym. I am in my zone with my Ipod in my ears. Do you really think I want to talk to you about how you think I am cute and want my phone number? Well, other girls might be polite but I am somewhat bitchy and ignore you. Please, don't follow me around the gym either. Then you are just a creeper.
Don't get me wrong I am slightly flattered but it is the gym. I didn't go there to get hit on. I went there to be on my OWN and not be bothered. It happens to be my happy place so don't fuck with it!!!
Sorry I just needed to get that out there and in the open.
P.s.
I am taking a trip to LSU to discuss graduate schools at the end of November ><
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Ghosts of the Past
If you had the choice right now in your life would you change a choice you made?
Tonight after a hellish Merry Widow rehearsal the director pontificated on the topic of sacrifice in this field. The list of things that I have given up already after 4 years is pretty long. Is it worth it? Will it continue to be worth it?
It is worth it right now. But when my family members pass on will it still be worth it? The birthdays and celebrations the sadness and the grieving. I know I will miss out on will be great.
Deep inside I know it is worth it. I sucks but after 4 years I still think it is worth it. Yes, I miss my family and friends. Yes I get homesick but the feeling of pure joy I get from sharing in a show with a group of people is pretty amazing. It is an electric shock when the chemistry is just right between a cast and crew. And it is utter hell when chemicals create a corrosive acid.
Merry Widow is leaving a bad taste in my mouth and at the same time reminding me that I can do better.
Maybe I am at a fault when I pose the question to so many situations in my life. I always ask, How can i learn from this? How can I make it better? This type of thinking is murder in all types of relationships. Because there is a time, especially when it concerns art, that you just have to leave something alone. You can't touch it anymore. I think a lot of artists think like that.
On a side note I am looking forward/not looking forward to a wedding around the Thanksgiving holiday. Some close friends of mine are getting married and I am excited for them. However, I will see my first boyfriend there. The last time I actually held more then a bitingly cold conversation with him he was crying with his face in my life begging me to take him back. I do not want to deal with a drunken ex-boyfriend. I might sound like a bitch but I have no sympathy for him. I pity him a little but I don't like him as a person. He took away my scruples and made me a weak person when I am so much stronger then I allowed myself to be. I was under his thumb for longer then I care to remember.
Also a few nights ago Stephen and I talked. We had a conversation that was pleasant. He is going to LSU next semester. The conversation culminated in us laughing about how I need an editor in my life. The next thing he said greatly startled me. He said "I could be your editor." Feeling the double meaning in his infliction I swiftly laughed it off and said "Not at this point in my life you can't." How easy it would to fall back into that mess again. I can feel it as fervent as the tears forming in my eyes. I can't wait till this tie that he has on me is completely dissolved. I want to desperately close that chapter of my life. I'll just chalk up all these unresolved emotions to my loneliness.
Men are the bane of my existence.
Irrationally I want to run to the East or West Coast as far as I can from the men in my life. But, just like Holly Golightly you can't run from your problems. God, I have been a runner my whole life. I run from confrontation and the people I care about the most are the ones who make me face the confrontation out right. The ones who run after me. The ones who sit on top of me and won't let me leave till they have their say. The ones who challenge me and force me to think. Too many things come easy to me. I think this is why I love art so much. It is so objective that people are constantly challenging you, pushing you.
Tonight after a hellish Merry Widow rehearsal the director pontificated on the topic of sacrifice in this field. The list of things that I have given up already after 4 years is pretty long. Is it worth it? Will it continue to be worth it?
It is worth it right now. But when my family members pass on will it still be worth it? The birthdays and celebrations the sadness and the grieving. I know I will miss out on will be great.
Deep inside I know it is worth it. I sucks but after 4 years I still think it is worth it. Yes, I miss my family and friends. Yes I get homesick but the feeling of pure joy I get from sharing in a show with a group of people is pretty amazing. It is an electric shock when the chemistry is just right between a cast and crew. And it is utter hell when chemicals create a corrosive acid.
Merry Widow is leaving a bad taste in my mouth and at the same time reminding me that I can do better.
Maybe I am at a fault when I pose the question to so many situations in my life. I always ask, How can i learn from this? How can I make it better? This type of thinking is murder in all types of relationships. Because there is a time, especially when it concerns art, that you just have to leave something alone. You can't touch it anymore. I think a lot of artists think like that.
On a side note I am looking forward/not looking forward to a wedding around the Thanksgiving holiday. Some close friends of mine are getting married and I am excited for them. However, I will see my first boyfriend there. The last time I actually held more then a bitingly cold conversation with him he was crying with his face in my life begging me to take him back. I do not want to deal with a drunken ex-boyfriend. I might sound like a bitch but I have no sympathy for him. I pity him a little but I don't like him as a person. He took away my scruples and made me a weak person when I am so much stronger then I allowed myself to be. I was under his thumb for longer then I care to remember.
Also a few nights ago Stephen and I talked. We had a conversation that was pleasant. He is going to LSU next semester. The conversation culminated in us laughing about how I need an editor in my life. The next thing he said greatly startled me. He said "I could be your editor." Feeling the double meaning in his infliction I swiftly laughed it off and said "Not at this point in my life you can't." How easy it would to fall back into that mess again. I can feel it as fervent as the tears forming in my eyes. I can't wait till this tie that he has on me is completely dissolved. I want to desperately close that chapter of my life. I'll just chalk up all these unresolved emotions to my loneliness.
Men are the bane of my existence.
Irrationally I want to run to the East or West Coast as far as I can from the men in my life. But, just like Holly Golightly you can't run from your problems. God, I have been a runner my whole life. I run from confrontation and the people I care about the most are the ones who make me face the confrontation out right. The ones who run after me. The ones who sit on top of me and won't let me leave till they have their say. The ones who challenge me and force me to think. Too many things come easy to me. I think this is why I love art so much. It is so objective that people are constantly challenging you, pushing you.
Almost Always Crying...
So we closed our second show of the season. I did hair and make-up backstage for the show I wanted to be in the most, Almost Maine. What a cruel trick of fate to end up working on the show you wanted to be in the most. Well, welcome to the wonderful world of theatre folks. *sighs* But I got over that. I had a fun time working with the cast and enjoyed to make-up.
However, what did not enjoy was crying every night I watched the show. Ever scene made me a blubbering school girl. God, I hate crying sometimes. Normally, I am OK with it and actually enjoy it. It is a very cleansing process. But, this show just hit too close to home. It was all about love. The loss of it, the getting it back, the accident of it, or even being too late for it. It really is a beautiful show. But it's a little hard to help people back stage when you can't even see from all the tears.
The one line in the show that it was pretty much a guarantee I'd gush like a geyser ever night...
On another note, I went to two Halloween parties this weekend. Both of them were lame.
This bring me to the heart of my post for today.
There is a huge generation gap between me and the freshman of this school year. I am at the point where I have not and do not throw up at parties. I know my limit. I also know not to make an idiot of myself at a party. A few goofy antics are fine but have your body haning out of all part of you costume as you hump the ground on all fours is a little much for me.
I am just ready to get the fuck out of Natchitoches. I don't have time for the drama of this school anymore. Where I am going after I graduate I have no idea. If I get a job at UPTA then hello wherever I am going. I don't know if "stage acting" is the thing I want to do with the rest of my life. But sense I have been at school I have been in one show. So I can't gauge the rest of my life off of one experience. If I don't try then I will never know. I know I picked the right degree. I know I wanted to have a degree in theatre. Now, I just need to figure out what I want to do with it. I have talked about opening my own theatre and being in an art administration position. But, I have never had either of those opportunities presented to me. Maybe I will apply for an internship somewhere with an art admin position...
I know one thing. I want security really badly in my life. But, hey at this age you don't get that. We are floating and we have no security. Welcome to the real world.
However, what did not enjoy was crying every night I watched the show. Ever scene made me a blubbering school girl. God, I hate crying sometimes. Normally, I am OK with it and actually enjoy it. It is a very cleansing process. But, this show just hit too close to home. It was all about love. The loss of it, the getting it back, the accident of it, or even being too late for it. It really is a beautiful show. But it's a little hard to help people back stage when you can't even see from all the tears.
The one line in the show that it was pretty much a guarantee I'd gush like a geyser ever night...
"Because I won't be able to love you back: I have a heart that can pump blood and that's all. The one that does the other stuff is broken. It doesn't work anymore."
*sighs*On another note, I went to two Halloween parties this weekend. Both of them were lame.
This bring me to the heart of my post for today.
There is a huge generation gap between me and the freshman of this school year. I am at the point where I have not and do not throw up at parties. I know my limit. I also know not to make an idiot of myself at a party. A few goofy antics are fine but have your body haning out of all part of you costume as you hump the ground on all fours is a little much for me.
I am just ready to get the fuck out of Natchitoches. I don't have time for the drama of this school anymore. Where I am going after I graduate I have no idea. If I get a job at UPTA then hello wherever I am going. I don't know if "stage acting" is the thing I want to do with the rest of my life. But sense I have been at school I have been in one show. So I can't gauge the rest of my life off of one experience. If I don't try then I will never know. I know I picked the right degree. I know I wanted to have a degree in theatre. Now, I just need to figure out what I want to do with it. I have talked about opening my own theatre and being in an art administration position. But, I have never had either of those opportunities presented to me. Maybe I will apply for an internship somewhere with an art admin position...
I know one thing. I want security really badly in my life. But, hey at this age you don't get that. We are floating and we have no security. Welcome to the real world.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Proposal.
So I am proposing a second season show tomorrow and am almost done with my one page input.
I am pretty much scared shitless.
You know sometimes you just have to go for what you want even if it means running through pouring rain for three donuts you don't really need. Because when you manage to eat that donut you feel amazing.
I am pretty much scared shitless.
You know sometimes you just have to go for what you want even if it means running through pouring rain for three donuts you don't really need. Because when you manage to eat that donut you feel amazing.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Tactician.
Something that annoys me to no end is woman.
Yes men I am a woman. Yet, the confuse the HELL out of me.
They also piss me off to no end.
I think what irks me the most is how some girls I know manipulate the men in their lives. If they can't get what they want openly then they manipulate/guide them in a certain direction.
You won't sleep with me, so I will just get you really drunk and then have my way with you...
Maybe I shouldn't be ragging on woman. Men do it to.
I think I just hate blatant manipulation.
Fake people disgust me.
And yet here I am judging people. I hate when I do that. I guess I have the right to think what I want thought. Since I know the individuals and am not making blind judgments.
Most of all I feel sorry for people that have to "perform" for everyone all the time. The people that break down because the "shape of there head isn't right". In this business you better buck up. Some people just won't like you look or your sound. Just be confident with what you've got and rock it. There is bound to be someone who will want to work with you.
I've noticed that my style has evolved since I have gotten here. I think college has paid off.
It means I am growing and I couldn't be happier. I actually have a technique to directing that I feel like is my own. I am proud of that.
Maybe you have to be a good technician before you are a good actor. MJ was right. I am such a tactician.
God, I should be working on my Directing Analysis.
Yes men I am a woman. Yet, the confuse the HELL out of me.
They also piss me off to no end.
I think what irks me the most is how some girls I know manipulate the men in their lives. If they can't get what they want openly then they manipulate/guide them in a certain direction.
You won't sleep with me, so I will just get you really drunk and then have my way with you...
Maybe I shouldn't be ragging on woman. Men do it to.
I think I just hate blatant manipulation.
Fake people disgust me.
And yet here I am judging people. I hate when I do that. I guess I have the right to think what I want thought. Since I know the individuals and am not making blind judgments.
Most of all I feel sorry for people that have to "perform" for everyone all the time. The people that break down because the "shape of there head isn't right". In this business you better buck up. Some people just won't like you look or your sound. Just be confident with what you've got and rock it. There is bound to be someone who will want to work with you.
I've noticed that my style has evolved since I have gotten here. I think college has paid off.
It means I am growing and I couldn't be happier. I actually have a technique to directing that I feel like is my own. I am proud of that.
Maybe you have to be a good technician before you are a good actor. MJ was right. I am such a tactician.
God, I should be working on my Directing Analysis.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I hate how I tend to get sick right when my body gets the break it is craving for...
Case and point this past fall break.
I don't get sick on the day of the Phoenix concert or the day I perform. Instead I get sick Sunday night when I get to look forward to two peaceful days of just sleeping late and taking my time to do my homework. Fate seems to say "HA! Just kidding!!!! You will feel slightly feverish Sunday night and then spend 3 hours in the doctor's office just to hear them say they don't really know what is wrong with you. But here are some meds anyway."
*sighs*
So I end up missing my first night of rehearsal for The Merry Widow. I don't think I'll have missed too much honestly. I know that show is going to be an ever loving experience. I am almost positive I'll have many blog posts about some ridiculous theatre antics.
For now I am going to go work on my Concepts of Design project.
Also my sound on my laptop fails. God I need a desktop.
Santa, if you are out there. I'd either love a brand new desktop with an awesome video card and Windows 7 and make it super fast.
Please
If not just send me a million dollars.
Or I do not feed your stupid reindeer this year.
Love,
Courtney
Case and point this past fall break.
I don't get sick on the day of the Phoenix concert or the day I perform. Instead I get sick Sunday night when I get to look forward to two peaceful days of just sleeping late and taking my time to do my homework. Fate seems to say "HA! Just kidding!!!! You will feel slightly feverish Sunday night and then spend 3 hours in the doctor's office just to hear them say they don't really know what is wrong with you. But here are some meds anyway."
*sighs*
So I end up missing my first night of rehearsal for The Merry Widow. I don't think I'll have missed too much honestly. I know that show is going to be an ever loving experience. I am almost positive I'll have many blog posts about some ridiculous theatre antics.
For now I am going to go work on my Concepts of Design project.
Also my sound on my laptop fails. God I need a desktop.
Santa, if you are out there. I'd either love a brand new desktop with an awesome video card and Windows 7 and make it super fast.
Please
If not just send me a million dollars.
Or I do not feed your stupid reindeer this year.
Love,
Courtney
Monday, October 5, 2009
I just got done reading some old AIM conversations from when I was 15-18 years of age.
WTF
I don't know how people put up with me.
I would never go back to those ages if you paid me.
Granted I know I was growing up but the self loathing and awkwardness of your teenage years sucks.
I want my own apartment in Baton Rouge. I need my own space here.
WTF
I don't know how people put up with me.
I would never go back to those ages if you paid me.
Granted I know I was growing up but the self loathing and awkwardness of your teenage years sucks.
I want my own apartment in Baton Rouge. I need my own space here.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
No you can't paint a picture when you're all alone.
It's been a crazy last couple of days.
I saw Phoenix live in concert in New Orleans Thursday. I can't even begin to describe how amazing that night was. Let's jsut say it ended with meeting all but 2 of the band member and getting most of their autographs and a picture with the lead singer. ^^ I promise I will type the story out when I feel like I can do it justice.
But this post is about something else.
I just wanted to get out how thankful I am that I am not where I was last year. I know I have said that in past posts and in private thought. But, I had a moment today when my mom told me she saw my ex and his new girlfriend at church together and he came up and talked to her. He talked to my mother. I'm sorry but I wouldn't have the balls to do that. But, it made me think back to how that was me last year. I went to church with him. Not for myself but for him.
It made me think about all the things I did for him and not because I "wanted" to. It made me even think back to previous relationships and how I had done the same in the past. How I had molded myself to fit the "type" the guy I was with was interested in. I am pretty sure every girl has done that at least once in their lives. It made me thankful that I wasn't faking my life right now. Back then I fell into the comfort of being timid and not enjoying life for what it is worth. I didn't even see it happen.
I am not a Stepford wife. I don't want a Catholic High man. I am 22 I find my happiness in my own spirituality that doesn't subscribe to religion. I am not happy unless things make sense to me I have to know why. Unfortunately many questions in life can't be answered. But, I strive to learn and connect all the little things in my life. I love to expound on life. I like to sweat, a lot. I feel like if I am sweating I must be doing something right. I strive for balance. I love to take pictures and write whatever comes to my mind. I dance even though I am not the best dancer on the stage. I act because I believe in the power of art. I respect art. I also respect what others have to say but I won't always agree with you. I am proud and that is large downfall of mine but at least I know one of my faults. I might look like a girly girl but I'd much rather be playing video games or rpgs. I want to learn how to fire a gun and fence. I have never been happier in the theatre department then when I was in my combat classes. This makes me want to learn all forms of combat. I want to travel all over the world. If it's with someone then that is amazing but if I have to do it on my own then I will. I am my own person and not an extension of another human being and I love that.
I've never wanted to be the ingenue. The woman I want to be is a beautiful and dangerous at the same time. Someone who can hold her own. The kind of girl you don't think is easy to figure out. Someone not afraid to fight back. My role model is a 90 something year old woman who taught me speech and English in high school. She demanded respect and wasn't afraid to laugh at the administration.
I've got some big shoes to fill.
I saw Phoenix live in concert in New Orleans Thursday. I can't even begin to describe how amazing that night was. Let's jsut say it ended with meeting all but 2 of the band member and getting most of their autographs and a picture with the lead singer. ^^ I promise I will type the story out when I feel like I can do it justice.
But this post is about something else.
I just wanted to get out how thankful I am that I am not where I was last year. I know I have said that in past posts and in private thought. But, I had a moment today when my mom told me she saw my ex and his new girlfriend at church together and he came up and talked to her. He talked to my mother. I'm sorry but I wouldn't have the balls to do that. But, it made me think back to how that was me last year. I went to church with him. Not for myself but for him.
It made me think about all the things I did for him and not because I "wanted" to. It made me even think back to previous relationships and how I had done the same in the past. How I had molded myself to fit the "type" the guy I was with was interested in. I am pretty sure every girl has done that at least once in their lives. It made me thankful that I wasn't faking my life right now. Back then I fell into the comfort of being timid and not enjoying life for what it is worth. I didn't even see it happen.
I am not a Stepford wife. I don't want a Catholic High man. I am 22 I find my happiness in my own spirituality that doesn't subscribe to religion. I am not happy unless things make sense to me I have to know why. Unfortunately many questions in life can't be answered. But, I strive to learn and connect all the little things in my life. I love to expound on life. I like to sweat, a lot. I feel like if I am sweating I must be doing something right. I strive for balance. I love to take pictures and write whatever comes to my mind. I dance even though I am not the best dancer on the stage. I act because I believe in the power of art. I respect art. I also respect what others have to say but I won't always agree with you. I am proud and that is large downfall of mine but at least I know one of my faults. I might look like a girly girl but I'd much rather be playing video games or rpgs. I want to learn how to fire a gun and fence. I have never been happier in the theatre department then when I was in my combat classes. This makes me want to learn all forms of combat. I want to travel all over the world. If it's with someone then that is amazing but if I have to do it on my own then I will. I am my own person and not an extension of another human being and I love that.
I've never wanted to be the ingenue. The woman I want to be is a beautiful and dangerous at the same time. Someone who can hold her own. The kind of girl you don't think is easy to figure out. Someone not afraid to fight back. My role model is a 90 something year old woman who taught me speech and English in high school. She demanded respect and wasn't afraid to laugh at the administration.
I've got some big shoes to fill.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Smoke and Mirrors
The full length mirror I have here in Natchitoches is warped. I wonder if this eschew my persepctive on life. I am a woman with bodily insecurities just like everyone else in the world. But, this mirror really messes with my head. It's like a fun house mirror. I know I have a decent body and what I don't like about it I go to the gym to tone and shave off. I don't really feel like putting out the effort to express myself right now. So, just be satisfied with the fact that I don't like my mirror and plan on getting a new one.
I never thought I could but I ran a solid mile today without stopping. I did it this past weekend too when I went to Highland Road park. There is something utterly rewarding being drenched in sweat and feeling like all your pores have just released all your worries. I think I've found my runner's high. I actually enjoy running to more peaceful music ( ie Bill Evans or any other Jazz I have on my ipod.) Mmmm Bill Evans.
I see Phoenix live in concert tomorrow night at 10pm. I am utterly thrilled. Morgan and Chris and Alex never got their tickets so it's just me and Sean P. It's a "date"... A date for me with Phoenix! I'll post how my trip goes later.
Music of the Moment: Excuse while I go all musical theatre on you...I am listening to the whole soundtrack from the musical The Wedding Singer. It's pretty awesome. Especially, when you want to dance around your apartment.
Play of the Moment: 12th Night by: William Shakespeare. I am Viola...I know I can play that role and want to. It's right up there with Eliza Doolittle in Pygmalion by: George Bernard Shaw.
I never thought I could but I ran a solid mile today without stopping. I did it this past weekend too when I went to Highland Road park. There is something utterly rewarding being drenched in sweat and feeling like all your pores have just released all your worries. I think I've found my runner's high. I actually enjoy running to more peaceful music ( ie Bill Evans or any other Jazz I have on my ipod.) Mmmm Bill Evans.
I see Phoenix live in concert tomorrow night at 10pm. I am utterly thrilled. Morgan and Chris and Alex never got their tickets so it's just me and Sean P. It's a "date"... A date for me with Phoenix! I'll post how my trip goes later.
Music of the Moment: Excuse while I go all musical theatre on you...I am listening to the whole soundtrack from the musical The Wedding Singer. It's pretty awesome. Especially, when you want to dance around your apartment.
Play of the Moment: 12th Night by: William Shakespeare. I am Viola...I know I can play that role and want to. It's right up there with Eliza Doolittle in Pygmalion by: George Bernard Shaw.
Monday, September 28, 2009
I feel antsy.
I hate having a period.
I won't bitch and complain about it because that could potentially bother some male friends of mine.
I'll just say that I hate having a period.
It gives me this antsy nervous feeling. The feeling I need to punch something. Scratch something. Rip something into tiny pieces. It makes me feel violent and on edge. It also makes me want to rub myself all over various belongs. ( I am only joking ) Bleh.
I had a moment today. Life is too short. I am pleased with something I did recently. Because life is too short. I can look back and smile because I made another person smile. For a fleeting moment I made someone happy which boosted my happy meter.
We are constantly searching to find "who we are". Well, right now I know who I am not and that is a pretty big start.
I hate having a period.
I won't bitch and complain about it because that could potentially bother some male friends of mine.
I'll just say that I hate having a period.
It gives me this antsy nervous feeling. The feeling I need to punch something. Scratch something. Rip something into tiny pieces. It makes me feel violent and on edge. It also makes me want to rub myself all over various belongs. ( I am only joking ) Bleh.
I had a moment today. Life is too short. I am pleased with something I did recently. Because life is too short. I can look back and smile because I made another person smile. For a fleeting moment I made someone happy which boosted my happy meter.
We are constantly searching to find "who we are". Well, right now I know who I am not and that is a pretty big start.
I am apparently the most impatient person my best friend knows.
Somehow I am not bothered by that. I do wish though that I could enjoy being patient more.
However, I am bothered how I make things inherently awkward. I don't know how I manage to do it but I succeed. I feel as though I have regressed, I am not that awkward of a person. But, throw in new people and I just lose it. I know this is why I stay close to the people that have known me the longest. Because there is no pretense with them. They know me and have known me through my worst times. (Sappy I know.) I just feel like if you can deal with my shit then you are worth hanging on to. Until I am comfortable around someone I am on guard.
This only complicates my life. As do most people's quirks.
It is 3 am and I am leaving to drive back to Natchitoches, LA at 5 am. I am insane. But, I love my friends and family so much that a 3 hour drive is a blink of an eye in my books.
I feel really good about myself. ( Egotistical sounding I am absolutely sure. )
I've thought a lot about some mistakes I made this past year. One thing I have come to terms with is why Stephen and I broke up. And why inevitably most relationships that don't end due to "foul play" eventually come to an end.
Everyone says that people grow apart. I guess I don't like that wording and it has never really sat well with me. I feel like you can "fix" growing apart. You could choose to grow closer to the person. ( Humor my twisted logic. It is the only way I know how to survive. ) It's not that people grow apart. They just want different things. I feel like I am OK with that wording because it's a conscious choice. Growing apart seems to me like an unconscious choice. But, I can accept wanting different things. It's like hearing, "I just don't see you in that role." It's someone's opinion and you have to accept it. You might not like it but you HAVE to accept it. Or at least by my books you should. I think it might have more to do with the fact that wanting something different then another person isn't settling. It is a conscious choice. You are owning up for your own opinion. And in this day an age people who really stick to their guns are few and far between.
I am a firm believer that you always make your own choices. There is no predestination etc.
My logic gets me into a lot of trouble. I am very black and white and the world isn't. The world is a ton of gray matter. That makes it very hard to make it through life. I know this and I am moving toward accepting that. It sucks but, this is growing up. This is a conscious choice I am making. I feel like THAT is what growing up should be. It's as if you spent the majority of your life going through the motions and suddenly you start to feel. Your body awakens and you realize that YOU are in control. You and only you. Not religion, your family, or even fate. Some people discover this early in life and others are late bloomers like myself.
Someone asked me not to long ago what I was thinking. It frightens me to say this but sometimes I feel like I don't think enough. I feel like sometimes I just do and I don't think. Like I am vacant. People complain of too many voices in their head. I wonder if I have too little.
Only now can I say that I know what it feels like to have my mind wander into thought. I feel like I used to imagine and think as a child more than I do now. But for some reason recently I have tapped into a reservoir of thought. A hidden river of ideas and concepts that I haven't been able to see.
I know I have grown because I feel as if I have an awareness of my mind and my body. That is a pretty empowering feeling. But with this empowerment comes hesitation and impatience. The constant questioning of WHY?
I love being forced to think. I know I have said it before but that is why I am so passionate about theatre. If one person walks away from a show questioning or thinking differently about a situation then I have succeeded. I am happy.
On a much lighter note I get to see my favorite band Phoenix live on Thursday in New Orleans. I might just cry out of sheer excitement. OK, so maybe that is a bit of a stretch but I am really pumped for this show.
I also have been having odd dreams lately. One my Ipod touch crumpled and broke in half. Another I was in a guy I knows bedroom and I looked on his nightstand and there were tickets to the same Phoenix concert I am going to Thursday. I honestly wish dream theory was "real" after having dreams like those.
Song of the Moment: "Today" By: Poe
Play of the Moment: Play It Again, Sam By: Woody Allen
Somehow I am not bothered by that. I do wish though that I could enjoy being patient more.
However, I am bothered how I make things inherently awkward. I don't know how I manage to do it but I succeed. I feel as though I have regressed, I am not that awkward of a person. But, throw in new people and I just lose it. I know this is why I stay close to the people that have known me the longest. Because there is no pretense with them. They know me and have known me through my worst times. (Sappy I know.) I just feel like if you can deal with my shit then you are worth hanging on to. Until I am comfortable around someone I am on guard.
This only complicates my life. As do most people's quirks.
It is 3 am and I am leaving to drive back to Natchitoches, LA at 5 am. I am insane. But, I love my friends and family so much that a 3 hour drive is a blink of an eye in my books.
I feel really good about myself. ( Egotistical sounding I am absolutely sure. )
I've thought a lot about some mistakes I made this past year. One thing I have come to terms with is why Stephen and I broke up. And why inevitably most relationships that don't end due to "foul play" eventually come to an end.
Everyone says that people grow apart. I guess I don't like that wording and it has never really sat well with me. I feel like you can "fix" growing apart. You could choose to grow closer to the person. ( Humor my twisted logic. It is the only way I know how to survive. ) It's not that people grow apart. They just want different things. I feel like I am OK with that wording because it's a conscious choice. Growing apart seems to me like an unconscious choice. But, I can accept wanting different things. It's like hearing, "I just don't see you in that role." It's someone's opinion and you have to accept it. You might not like it but you HAVE to accept it. Or at least by my books you should. I think it might have more to do with the fact that wanting something different then another person isn't settling. It is a conscious choice. You are owning up for your own opinion. And in this day an age people who really stick to their guns are few and far between.
I am a firm believer that you always make your own choices. There is no predestination etc.
My logic gets me into a lot of trouble. I am very black and white and the world isn't. The world is a ton of gray matter. That makes it very hard to make it through life. I know this and I am moving toward accepting that. It sucks but, this is growing up. This is a conscious choice I am making. I feel like THAT is what growing up should be. It's as if you spent the majority of your life going through the motions and suddenly you start to feel. Your body awakens and you realize that YOU are in control. You and only you. Not religion, your family, or even fate. Some people discover this early in life and others are late bloomers like myself.
Someone asked me not to long ago what I was thinking. It frightens me to say this but sometimes I feel like I don't think enough. I feel like sometimes I just do and I don't think. Like I am vacant. People complain of too many voices in their head. I wonder if I have too little.
Only now can I say that I know what it feels like to have my mind wander into thought. I feel like I used to imagine and think as a child more than I do now. But for some reason recently I have tapped into a reservoir of thought. A hidden river of ideas and concepts that I haven't been able to see.
I know I have grown because I feel as if I have an awareness of my mind and my body. That is a pretty empowering feeling. But with this empowerment comes hesitation and impatience. The constant questioning of WHY?
I love being forced to think. I know I have said it before but that is why I am so passionate about theatre. If one person walks away from a show questioning or thinking differently about a situation then I have succeeded. I am happy.
On a much lighter note I get to see my favorite band Phoenix live on Thursday in New Orleans. I might just cry out of sheer excitement. OK, so maybe that is a bit of a stretch but I am really pumped for this show.
I also have been having odd dreams lately. One my Ipod touch crumpled and broke in half. Another I was in a guy I knows bedroom and I looked on his nightstand and there were tickets to the same Phoenix concert I am going to Thursday. I honestly wish dream theory was "real" after having dreams like those.
Song of the Moment: "Today" By: Poe
Play of the Moment: Play It Again, Sam By: Woody Allen
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Something I absolutely hate is remembering certain instances where I should have "seen" things differently.
I can't stand feeling like I should have done better, been wiser, or just paid attention.
Some people would say that is my ability to "see" those situations as different now means I have grown.
I have a hard time swallowing that.
But for the time being it's what will satiate my mind.
I can't stand feeling like I should have done better, been wiser, or just paid attention.
Some people would say that is my ability to "see" those situations as different now means I have grown.
I have a hard time swallowing that.
But for the time being it's what will satiate my mind.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Secondary Colors
Sometimes being calm and collected is a bitch.
I see that in my acting. I see that in my interactions with people.
Sometimes it has it's benefits.
Being a watcher can be a good thing.
I guess I am striving for that perfect balance.
That in itself is a bitch.
Balance you life, checkbook, friends, parents, schoolwork, job, lovers, etc.
This is your life. One big balancing act.
My life is one big up hill battle of letting go. This is why I love theatre. You have to let go but maintain a critical eye. You push yourself. You aren't selling any product other than yourself. And if someone doesn't like the product there is nothing you can really do to change that. You might think that is scary or hurtful. I don't find it that way. It has helped me get through life. If you don't like me then Oh well. I know that there is someone that will.
I hate the days I feel so disillusioned.
However, I find it very soothing I have no real memories of my first two years of high school. You really do forget things. That is pretty reassuring actually.
Just when you think you'll never forget you end up forgetting. For some reason this fascinates me.
P.s.
I learned today what I thought was a Dolly is actually a Hand-cart.
P.s.s.
Time to go cleanse myself. I need a good run.
Play of the moment: The Norman Conquests by: Alan Ayckbourn
Song of the moment: "Save Yourself" by: Make Up
I see that in my acting. I see that in my interactions with people.
Sometimes it has it's benefits.
Being a watcher can be a good thing.
I guess I am striving for that perfect balance.
That in itself is a bitch.
Balance you life, checkbook, friends, parents, schoolwork, job, lovers, etc.
This is your life. One big balancing act.
My life is one big up hill battle of letting go. This is why I love theatre. You have to let go but maintain a critical eye. You push yourself. You aren't selling any product other than yourself. And if someone doesn't like the product there is nothing you can really do to change that. You might think that is scary or hurtful. I don't find it that way. It has helped me get through life. If you don't like me then Oh well. I know that there is someone that will.
I hate the days I feel so disillusioned.
However, I find it very soothing I have no real memories of my first two years of high school. You really do forget things. That is pretty reassuring actually.
Just when you think you'll never forget you end up forgetting. For some reason this fascinates me.
P.s.
I learned today what I thought was a Dolly is actually a Hand-cart.
P.s.s.
Time to go cleanse myself. I need a good run.
Play of the moment: The Norman Conquests by: Alan Ayckbourn
Song of the moment: "Save Yourself" by: Make Up
Monday, September 21, 2009
When I'm 65
Today my mom turned 65.
I wish I could tell her more than Happy Birthday over the phone.
I can genuinely say that I love my mother a lot. Unlike my father I love her not just because of her paternal relationship to myself.
She is pretty damned amazing.
Some how she raised me alone without any real help from my dad. Put me through Catholic Grammar and High School. Paid for lunches, dance lessons, hair cuts, birthday parties, dance costumes, and lots of other things kids don't really "need" but want.
All at the same time she managed to travel, a lot.
I love her.
I miss her.
I can't wait to see her this weekend.
Completely unrelated. I am an idiot.
I wish I could tell her more than Happy Birthday over the phone.
I can genuinely say that I love my mother a lot. Unlike my father I love her not just because of her paternal relationship to myself.
She is pretty damned amazing.
Some how she raised me alone without any real help from my dad. Put me through Catholic Grammar and High School. Paid for lunches, dance lessons, hair cuts, birthday parties, dance costumes, and lots of other things kids don't really "need" but want.
All at the same time she managed to travel, a lot.
I love her.
I miss her.
I can't wait to see her this weekend.
Completely unrelated. I am an idiot.
Prude
Explain to me what the problem is at being a little slow to move in the intimate direction?
Don't get me wrong I enjoy intimate relations just like the next person but I guess I just require a little more before I let loose. I really can't explain it. Sex isn't the first thing that comes to my mind when I am attracted to someone. It rates pretty high. In the top five at least but it's not # 1.
I just have to be comfortable around someone before I dive into those murky waters. As wonderful as those feelings of passion are they make things so much more complicated. Maybe that is why I am such a prude. I can remember back to the first times I ever did anything like that and nerves I had over if someone would walk in on us. Or we would get caught parking in a some dark lot behind some building. Blame my conscious on all those years of a Catholic Education. I don't even believe the information they pounded into my head but the definetely left me a hefty tumor of guilt.
My best friend told me this summer that she finds it absolutely hilarous that I can act like a horny 12 yr old boy about sex and then clam up and be a prude when she approaches me with questions about my sex life. I've always had issues talking about those things. I can't explain that either. I am a reserved person to begin with so it tends to make things more difficult.
I guess I just want to know where I stand before I let my hair hang down and go crazy. And if I don't know where I stand then I can't let go.
Don't get me wrong I enjoy intimate relations just like the next person but I guess I just require a little more before I let loose. I really can't explain it. Sex isn't the first thing that comes to my mind when I am attracted to someone. It rates pretty high. In the top five at least but it's not # 1.
I just have to be comfortable around someone before I dive into those murky waters. As wonderful as those feelings of passion are they make things so much more complicated. Maybe that is why I am such a prude. I can remember back to the first times I ever did anything like that and nerves I had over if someone would walk in on us. Or we would get caught parking in a some dark lot behind some building. Blame my conscious on all those years of a Catholic Education. I don't even believe the information they pounded into my head but the definetely left me a hefty tumor of guilt.
My best friend told me this summer that she finds it absolutely hilarous that I can act like a horny 12 yr old boy about sex and then clam up and be a prude when she approaches me with questions about my sex life. I've always had issues talking about those things. I can't explain that either. I am a reserved person to begin with so it tends to make things more difficult.
I guess I just want to know where I stand before I let my hair hang down and go crazy. And if I don't know where I stand then I can't let go.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
"Can't get the stink off / He's been hanging round for days"
Why do we openly say something we know isn't true?
Do we say it in hopes of making the falsities true?
Do we say it because we are ignorant of the truth?
Do we say it to hear it out loud?
Do we say it because we enjoy lying?
Do we say it because we don't know the real answer?
Why?
~~~~~~~~
Does anyone ever truly know what they want to do with the rest of their life?
I have two points I know for sure.
A) Where I am right now
B) Where I would like to be when I am 40
And somewhere in between is where life happens. I can't help but think as long as you are doing something you love then you are where you want to spend the rest of you life. Or at least for that moment. People are constantly searching for what will make them happy. Do we ever really find what is going to make us happy. Or is it all just a mind trick. How long can you keep yourself content with what you have? Why not just throw all these philosophical questions aside and just live?
I know why I can't throw them aside. Because something in the base of my spine won't allow me to fathom doing that. If I settle then I won't survive. I can't explain it beyond what I have just typed. Anything you really want is worth the fight. You yourself might be a completely different person but that is fine. Make yourself happy.
Sometimes you have to stare the fear and anxiety right in the face and jump. Because if you don't then you won't get hurt. Getting hurt is half the battle. Picking yourself up is the rest.
If you want it just do it. You might be surprised with the outcome.
On a completely different note I just got done watching the film Brick. I rather enjoyed it.
Song of the Moment: "Just" by: Radiohead
Play of the Moment: Baby with the Bathwater By: Christopher Durang
Do we say it in hopes of making the falsities true?
Do we say it because we are ignorant of the truth?
Do we say it to hear it out loud?
Do we say it because we enjoy lying?
Do we say it because we don't know the real answer?
Why?
~~~~~~~~
Does anyone ever truly know what they want to do with the rest of their life?
I have two points I know for sure.
A) Where I am right now
B) Where I would like to be when I am 40
And somewhere in between is where life happens. I can't help but think as long as you are doing something you love then you are where you want to spend the rest of you life. Or at least for that moment. People are constantly searching for what will make them happy. Do we ever really find what is going to make us happy. Or is it all just a mind trick. How long can you keep yourself content with what you have? Why not just throw all these philosophical questions aside and just live?
I know why I can't throw them aside. Because something in the base of my spine won't allow me to fathom doing that. If I settle then I won't survive. I can't explain it beyond what I have just typed. Anything you really want is worth the fight. You yourself might be a completely different person but that is fine. Make yourself happy.
Sometimes you have to stare the fear and anxiety right in the face and jump. Because if you don't then you won't get hurt. Getting hurt is half the battle. Picking yourself up is the rest.
If you want it just do it. You might be surprised with the outcome.
On a completely different note I just got done watching the film Brick. I rather enjoyed it.
Song of the Moment: "Just" by: Radiohead
Play of the Moment: Baby with the Bathwater By: Christopher Durang
Friday, September 18, 2009
I wake up and actually go to my Theatre History II class today and I am reminded of why I HATE going to that class.
A friend of mine describes it as "People discussing topical issues without any knowledge of the issues themselves." This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. If you do not know what you are talking about then SHUT YOUR MOUTH! I mean it! It takes A LOT for a person to admit that they know nothing about a topic and not speak. Especially, in this day and age. Maybe it's just me but I'd prefer not to open my mouth and accept that I don't know something about an isssue and then go inform myself about the issue before I open my mouth and sound like a complete idiot.
Example: Today in class a fellow student of mine decided to make the gross generalization that "It is the school systems fault for students bad attitudes." I am sorry hold on ten seconds.
My mom who has been a teacher for over 30 years would highly be offended by this statement. (Which pissed me off to begin with...)
Just because you complain that teachers treat you differently doesn't mean all teachers treat you like that. It is your OWN attitude that gets you into trouble. So YOU better cope with it and not bitch and complain. Your life is so hard because you didn't get an A but that football player did because he plays football??? Well, WAKE UP that is the real world. People get treated differently. I don't agree with the different treat of others but I sure as hell can accept it. It is a reality that isn't going to change anytime soon. The only thing YOU can do about it is recognize it and then not do it yourself.
I know I just completely ranted the hell out of that but I got really ticked off at 9am and that will probably ruin the rest of my day. I will try my best not to allow it to do so, but I can't make any promises.
People who cannot/will not allow themselves to rise above their circumstances really piss me off. Stop complaining and DO something. You don't have the right to complain unless you have DONE something about it. Until you have failed SHUT UP and even then get over it.
I also hate when people just spout off knowledge in class.
Example: We were discussing Dr.Faustus and someone just had to talk about DANTE. I am sorry but we are discussing Marlowe not Dante. It wouldn't have bothered me that much but the class was becoming a religious discussion and I couldn't help but raise my hand and point out that the Inferno was a POLITICAL SATIRE. It isn't the end all be all of where you go when you die!
Religion in general today is kind of pissing my off. I do not pay to come to school to discuss it so keep your mouth shut.
**NOTE!!!**
So after I wrote this entire post I went to my World Theatre Studies class at 1pm. We were watching Hedda Gabler and I stated my opinion of why I think she kills herself. Which is clearly supported by a comment Hedda makes about herself.
I said that she couldn't survive in this world because she was brought up only by her father and surrounded by men her whole life. Not allowing her to truly act like a woman and be accepted by women of the time period. Yet, men of the time period could only admire her because in that age she was essetnially property. She was liked her for great beauty. I don't know how many TIMES Ibsen talks about how beautiful she is in that play. ANYWAY apparently I said the wrong thing and I was DEAD wrong and 3 idiotic guys in my class were like no she just couldn't survive. They kept saying it had nothing to do about sex.
I'm sorry isn't Ibsen known for his revolutionary feminists concepts, i.e. A Doll's House. IDK maybe it's just me being to stupid to read a great work??
Anyway, I could care less that the 3 of them didn't agree with my opinion (everyone else did and most importantly I did ). But the thing that reall grinds my gears is that I raised me hand in that class to wait my turn to speak. Held it up for about 3 minutes. Politely, waited my turn to speak and as soon as I opened my mouth I was verbally assaulted. Plus, I was even allowed to finish my point. People who don't RESPECT a person's opinion really really really PISS me off.
Song of the Moment: "Salty Air" By: Bitter:Sweet
Play of the Moment: Bernice/Butterfly By: Nagle Jackson
A friend of mine describes it as "People discussing topical issues without any knowledge of the issues themselves." This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. If you do not know what you are talking about then SHUT YOUR MOUTH! I mean it! It takes A LOT for a person to admit that they know nothing about a topic and not speak. Especially, in this day and age. Maybe it's just me but I'd prefer not to open my mouth and accept that I don't know something about an isssue and then go inform myself about the issue before I open my mouth and sound like a complete idiot.
Example: Today in class a fellow student of mine decided to make the gross generalization that "It is the school systems fault for students bad attitudes." I am sorry hold on ten seconds.
My mom who has been a teacher for over 30 years would highly be offended by this statement. (Which pissed me off to begin with...)
Just because you complain that teachers treat you differently doesn't mean all teachers treat you like that. It is your OWN attitude that gets you into trouble. So YOU better cope with it and not bitch and complain. Your life is so hard because you didn't get an A but that football player did because he plays football??? Well, WAKE UP that is the real world. People get treated differently. I don't agree with the different treat of others but I sure as hell can accept it. It is a reality that isn't going to change anytime soon. The only thing YOU can do about it is recognize it and then not do it yourself.
I know I just completely ranted the hell out of that but I got really ticked off at 9am and that will probably ruin the rest of my day. I will try my best not to allow it to do so, but I can't make any promises.
People who cannot/will not allow themselves to rise above their circumstances really piss me off. Stop complaining and DO something. You don't have the right to complain unless you have DONE something about it. Until you have failed SHUT UP and even then get over it.
I also hate when people just spout off knowledge in class.
Example: We were discussing Dr.Faustus and someone just had to talk about DANTE. I am sorry but we are discussing Marlowe not Dante. It wouldn't have bothered me that much but the class was becoming a religious discussion and I couldn't help but raise my hand and point out that the Inferno was a POLITICAL SATIRE. It isn't the end all be all of where you go when you die!
Religion in general today is kind of pissing my off. I do not pay to come to school to discuss it so keep your mouth shut.
**NOTE!!!**
So after I wrote this entire post I went to my World Theatre Studies class at 1pm. We were watching Hedda Gabler and I stated my opinion of why I think she kills herself. Which is clearly supported by a comment Hedda makes about herself.
I said that she couldn't survive in this world because she was brought up only by her father and surrounded by men her whole life. Not allowing her to truly act like a woman and be accepted by women of the time period. Yet, men of the time period could only admire her because in that age she was essetnially property. She was liked her for great beauty. I don't know how many TIMES Ibsen talks about how beautiful she is in that play. ANYWAY apparently I said the wrong thing and I was DEAD wrong and 3 idiotic guys in my class were like no she just couldn't survive. They kept saying it had nothing to do about sex.
I'm sorry isn't Ibsen known for his revolutionary feminists concepts, i.e. A Doll's House. IDK maybe it's just me being to stupid to read a great work??
Anyway, I could care less that the 3 of them didn't agree with my opinion (everyone else did and most importantly I did ). But the thing that reall grinds my gears is that I raised me hand in that class to wait my turn to speak. Held it up for about 3 minutes. Politely, waited my turn to speak and as soon as I opened my mouth I was verbally assaulted. Plus, I was even allowed to finish my point. People who don't RESPECT a person's opinion really really really PISS me off.
Song of the Moment: "Salty Air" By: Bitter:Sweet
Play of the Moment: Bernice/Butterfly By: Nagle Jackson
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Wake-up Mr. Microphone...
I can only be myself.
I can only be myself.
I can only be myself.
Today has been one of those days. I have to stop an remind myself of that somedays.
It doesn't and shouldn't matter. Someone can only like me for the wonderful person that I am.
Heres's the road down the right path.
On another note. Have you ever done something completely stupid? If you can't think of a time you are lying.
Liar.
Song of the Moment: "Space Dog" By: Tori Amos
I can only be myself.
I can only be myself.
Today has been one of those days. I have to stop an remind myself of that somedays.
It doesn't and shouldn't matter. Someone can only like me for the wonderful person that I am.
Heres's the road down the right path.
On another note. Have you ever done something completely stupid? If you can't think of a time you are lying.
Liar.
Song of the Moment: "Space Dog" By: Tori Amos
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Not a baby anymore.
I was going through all my old pictures on my laptop this evening. I was being all nostalgic.
And I realized something.
I am older now. I know. I know. Humor me a moment. I mean, I can actually see the difference now in pictures. Newer pictures I have more woman curves and stronger facial features.
This has put me in a very happy place surprisingly. I think to what I looked like in grammer and middle school and even the majority of high school. I just looked awkward. Bad teeth and a bit of acne. Long lanky arms and legs. Now, I look at the difference and am excited. Right now I am legitimately thrilled about aging.
I know I haven't peaked yet and love that feeling. I can only grow more. Mentally and physically.
I think that goes with my blood sweat and tears attitude. Something is simply not worth it without blood sweat and tears that come from working hard, in my opinion. I don't enjoy getting something unless I have worked for it.
Today I can only say bring it on!
Song of the moment: "I Close My Eyes" by: Shivaree
Play of the moment: Jake's Women by: Neil Simon
And I realized something.
I am older now. I know. I know. Humor me a moment. I mean, I can actually see the difference now in pictures. Newer pictures I have more woman curves and stronger facial features.
This has put me in a very happy place surprisingly. I think to what I looked like in grammer and middle school and even the majority of high school. I just looked awkward. Bad teeth and a bit of acne. Long lanky arms and legs. Now, I look at the difference and am excited. Right now I am legitimately thrilled about aging.
I know I haven't peaked yet and love that feeling. I can only grow more. Mentally and physically.
I think that goes with my blood sweat and tears attitude. Something is simply not worth it without blood sweat and tears that come from working hard, in my opinion. I don't enjoy getting something unless I have worked for it.
Today I can only say bring it on!
Song of the moment: "I Close My Eyes" by: Shivaree
Play of the moment: Jake's Women by: Neil Simon
Monday, September 14, 2009
Truth be told.
Truth be told I feel completely useless today.
I hate days like this where I question any and all that I do...I thought after you hit your 20's the awful feelings of your teen years ended. *Bing Bing* Guess I was completely wrong.
Last night I drove around the whole city of BR just wanting to burst out of my skin. I guess those are the days I don't feel as if I am not living my life to the fullest. Truth be told, that is quite a recurring feeling.
It's almost been an entire year since Stephen and I broke up. I feel like a very different person today then I did one year ago. I don't long to be with him anymore and I am resigned to the end of that relationship and the fact that people grow up and away from one another. Life has become steadily easier and easier to cope with because of the many friends in my life.
I just wonder now that life has seem to lost that rosy gold feeling of goodness if it'll ever comeback again. I don't long for it I just question whether that feeling will ever return. Not necessarily about love but about life in general. I thought that innocence was the feeling I speak of but I have since learned that is not it. I feel like it is far less easier to define then one word.
I sound as if I am unhappy with life and slowly slipping into a god-awful depression again. But, that is not the case. I feel the exact opposite. I feel that I am moving as far away from that feeling as I could but in a realistic sense.
It is more or less that awkward growing up feeling that so many people try to quantize and label. Life at this stage I am figuring out is just inherently awkward. People begin to know what they want but have no real way of "getting it" just yet. Then when you make the means to get what you want you could find out that it is not what you wanted in the 1st place.
Life at this point is going with the flow and for a controlling person like myself it sucks hard. I think that is what genuinely depression wreaks of...people not being able to let go and just life take it's own course for as long as it needs. I know that is why I was so unhappy last year. I know that is why my Dad went through his depression. I couldn't hold onto anything. And floundering people do very very stupid things. However, I am past that stage. I am at the point where I am floating. I think it's important that I type these statements. I think it's part of "healing", for a lack of better words.
Floating.
The more and more I go through life the more and more I realize I have a deep need to relate things to make sense in my brain. If it makes sense to me I am much happier with my life. I feel like that is what this post has been about.
Growth is like theatre and dance and art to me. They aren't easy things to explain and you kind of just have to do them to get them. You have to give and take and move forward. Sometimes you are blind but completely and utterly aware to all that is around you. We constantly strive to feel as if we are alive and yet we are living proof everyday that we indeed are, Art is the day those wonders just click with us. The days life and living seems to make sense and our purpose is clear. In the end it's all about the balance that keeps you happy. Thats all you can really do for yourself in life. Just keep yourself happy.
Sometimes my spiritual expoundings are kind of sickening. I don't mean for this to sound profound. It is just for me. I am not trying to impress or compare or seek wisdom/guidence.
The way I work is I get it all outof my head and then I can think and dissect. I have to take myself out of a situation to really focus on something.
I think I need to stop qualfying everything I say, this is just for me after all.
Song of the moment: "Stella by Starlight" by: Bill Evans
I hate days like this where I question any and all that I do...I thought after you hit your 20's the awful feelings of your teen years ended. *Bing Bing* Guess I was completely wrong.
Last night I drove around the whole city of BR just wanting to burst out of my skin. I guess those are the days I don't feel as if I am not living my life to the fullest. Truth be told, that is quite a recurring feeling.
It's almost been an entire year since Stephen and I broke up. I feel like a very different person today then I did one year ago. I don't long to be with him anymore and I am resigned to the end of that relationship and the fact that people grow up and away from one another. Life has become steadily easier and easier to cope with because of the many friends in my life.
I just wonder now that life has seem to lost that rosy gold feeling of goodness if it'll ever comeback again. I don't long for it I just question whether that feeling will ever return. Not necessarily about love but about life in general. I thought that innocence was the feeling I speak of but I have since learned that is not it. I feel like it is far less easier to define then one word.
I sound as if I am unhappy with life and slowly slipping into a god-awful depression again. But, that is not the case. I feel the exact opposite. I feel that I am moving as far away from that feeling as I could but in a realistic sense.
It is more or less that awkward growing up feeling that so many people try to quantize and label. Life at this stage I am figuring out is just inherently awkward. People begin to know what they want but have no real way of "getting it" just yet. Then when you make the means to get what you want you could find out that it is not what you wanted in the 1st place.
Life at this point is going with the flow and for a controlling person like myself it sucks hard. I think that is what genuinely depression wreaks of...people not being able to let go and just life take it's own course for as long as it needs. I know that is why I was so unhappy last year. I know that is why my Dad went through his depression. I couldn't hold onto anything. And floundering people do very very stupid things. However, I am past that stage. I am at the point where I am floating. I think it's important that I type these statements. I think it's part of "healing", for a lack of better words.
Floating.
The more and more I go through life the more and more I realize I have a deep need to relate things to make sense in my brain. If it makes sense to me I am much happier with my life. I feel like that is what this post has been about.
Growth is like theatre and dance and art to me. They aren't easy things to explain and you kind of just have to do them to get them. You have to give and take and move forward. Sometimes you are blind but completely and utterly aware to all that is around you. We constantly strive to feel as if we are alive and yet we are living proof everyday that we indeed are, Art is the day those wonders just click with us. The days life and living seems to make sense and our purpose is clear. In the end it's all about the balance that keeps you happy. Thats all you can really do for yourself in life. Just keep yourself happy.
Sometimes my spiritual expoundings are kind of sickening. I don't mean for this to sound profound. It is just for me. I am not trying to impress or compare or seek wisdom/guidence.
The way I work is I get it all outof my head and then I can think and dissect. I have to take myself out of a situation to really focus on something.
I think I need to stop qualfying everything I say, this is just for me after all.
Song of the moment: "Stella by Starlight" by: Bill Evans
Friday, September 11, 2009
She is like a cat in the dark / And then she is the darkness.
So, I am sitting in my room about to get ready for our schools Orientation. It's not what you think I promise. It's where the students sing and dance for the patrons to give us oodles of money. ^^ There is a reception with free food and drinks ( every college students dream ).
Truth be told I don't want to go back to school...
Yesterday I spent my entire afternoon bulk mailing 600 postcards. The same 600 I single handily stamped the other day. Only to find out today that we needed to make bigger stacks out of the smaller ones. I don't want to go back to school earlier and help the person who was supposed to help me stamp and bulk mail all 600 postcards. ( If you don't know what bulk mailing is it is a tedious task that involves putting the postcards in zip code order. Then you put them in stacks of like zipcodes. This would be an easy task. Or at least it sounds like it should be, but when you are sending postcards around the country with really not two similar zip codes you end up making stacks of 2 and 3 like zipcodes...In short it is a pain in the ass. )
Song of the moment: "Lady" by: Lenny Kravitz.
Play of the moment: I am still working on The God of Carnage...><
Anyway, I feel VERY VERY unproductive this week. I absolutely loathe that feeling. I can handle being lazy for a day or two but I am at the point where I am reaching insanity.
I wanted to work out the majority of this week because of the holiday but I possibly broke my toe two days ago and I didn't want to risk further hurting it...*sighs*
Whatever, next week I am kicking ass. On all levels.
Truth be told I don't want to go back to school...
Yesterday I spent my entire afternoon bulk mailing 600 postcards. The same 600 I single handily stamped the other day. Only to find out today that we needed to make bigger stacks out of the smaller ones. I don't want to go back to school earlier and help the person who was supposed to help me stamp and bulk mail all 600 postcards. ( If you don't know what bulk mailing is it is a tedious task that involves putting the postcards in zip code order. Then you put them in stacks of like zipcodes. This would be an easy task. Or at least it sounds like it should be, but when you are sending postcards around the country with really not two similar zip codes you end up making stacks of 2 and 3 like zipcodes...In short it is a pain in the ass. )
Song of the moment: "Lady" by: Lenny Kravitz.
Play of the moment: I am still working on The God of Carnage...><
Anyway, I feel VERY VERY unproductive this week. I absolutely loathe that feeling. I can handle being lazy for a day or two but I am at the point where I am reaching insanity.
I wanted to work out the majority of this week because of the holiday but I possibly broke my toe two days ago and I didn't want to risk further hurting it...*sighs*
Whatever, next week I am kicking ass. On all levels.
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