Smoke and Mirrors

The full length mirror I have here in Natchitoches is warped. I wonder if this eschew my persepctive on life. I am a woman with bodily insecurities just like everyone else in the world. But, this mirror really messes with my head. It's like a fun house mirror. I know I have a decent body and what I don't like about it I go to the gym to tone and shave off. I don't really feel like putting out the effort to express myself right now. So, just be satisfied with the fact that I don't like my mirror and plan on getting a new one.

I never thought I could but I ran a solid mile today without stopping. I did it this past weekend too when I went to Highland Road park. There is something utterly rewarding being drenched in sweat and feeling like all your pores have just released all your worries. I think I've found my runner's high. I actually enjoy running to more peaceful music ( ie Bill Evans or any other Jazz I have on my ipod.) Mmmm Bill Evans.

I see Phoenix live in concert tomorrow night at 10pm. I am utterly thrilled. Morgan and Chris and Alex never got their tickets so it's just me and Sean P. It's a "date"... A date for me with Phoenix! I'll post how my trip goes later.

Music of the Moment: Excuse while I go all musical theatre on you...I am listening to the whole soundtrack from the musical The Wedding Singer. It's pretty awesome. Especially, when you want to dance around your apartment.

Play of the Moment: 12th Night by: William Shakespeare. I am Viola...I know I can play that role and want to. It's right up there with Eliza Doolittle in Pygmalion by: George Bernard Shaw.

I feel antsy.

I hate having a period.

I won't bitch and complain about it because that could potentially bother some male friends of mine.

I'll just say that I hate having a period.

It gives me this antsy nervous feeling. The feeling I need to punch something. Scratch something. Rip something into tiny pieces. It makes me feel violent and on edge. It also makes me want to rub myself all over various belongs. ( I am only joking ) Bleh.

I had a moment today. Life is too short. I am pleased with something I did recently. Because life is too short. I can look back and smile because I made another person smile. For a fleeting moment I made someone happy which boosted my happy meter.

We are constantly searching to find "who we are". Well, right now I know who I am not and that is a pretty big start.

I am apparently the most impatient person my best friend knows.

Somehow I am not bothered by that. I do wish though that I could enjoy being patient more.

However, I am bothered how I make things inherently awkward. I don't know how I manage to do it but I succeed. I feel as though I have regressed, I am not that awkward of a person. But, throw in new people and I just lose it. I know this is why I stay close to the people that have known me the longest. Because there is no pretense with them. They know me and have known me through my worst times. (Sappy I know.) I just feel like if you can deal with my shit then you are worth hanging on to. Until I am comfortable around someone I am on guard.

This only complicates my life. As do most people's quirks.

It is 3 am and I am leaving to drive back to Natchitoches, LA at 5 am. I am insane. But, I love my friends and family so much that a 3 hour drive is a blink of an eye in my books.

I feel really good about myself. ( Egotistical sounding I am absolutely sure. )

I've thought a lot about some mistakes I made this past year. One thing I have come to terms with is why Stephen and I broke up. And why inevitably most relationships that don't end due to "foul play" eventually come to an end.

Everyone says that people grow apart. I guess I don't like that wording and it has never really sat well with me. I feel like you can "fix" growing apart. You could choose to grow closer to the person. ( Humor my twisted logic. It is the only way I know how to survive. ) It's not that people grow apart. They just want different things. I feel like I am OK with that wording because it's a conscious choice. Growing apart seems to me like an unconscious choice. But, I can accept wanting different things. It's like hearing, "I just don't see you in that role." It's someone's opinion and you have to accept it. You might not like it but you HAVE to accept it. Or at least by my books you should. I think it might have more to do with the fact that wanting something different then another person isn't settling. It is a conscious choice. You are owning up for your own opinion. And in this day an age people who really stick to their guns are few and far between.

I am a firm believer that you always make your own choices. There is no predestination etc.
My logic gets me into a lot of trouble. I am very black and white and the world isn't. The world is a ton of gray matter. That makes it very hard to make it through life. I know this and I am moving toward accepting that. It sucks but, this is growing up. This is a conscious choice I am making. I feel like THAT is what growing up should be. It's as if you spent the majority of your life going through the motions and suddenly you start to feel. Your body awakens and you realize that YOU are in control. You and only you. Not religion, your family, or even fate. Some people discover this early in life and others are late bloomers like myself.

Someone asked me not to long ago what I was thinking. It frightens me to say this but sometimes I feel like I don't think enough. I feel like sometimes I just do and I don't think. Like I am vacant. People complain of too many voices in their head. I wonder if I have too little.

Only now can I say that I know what it feels like to have my mind wander into thought. I feel like I used to imagine and think as a child more than I do now. But for some reason recently I have tapped into a reservoir of thought. A hidden river of ideas and concepts that I haven't been able to see.

I know I have grown because I feel as if I have an awareness of my mind and my body. That is a pretty empowering feeling. But with this empowerment comes hesitation and impatience. The constant questioning of WHY?

I love being forced to think. I know I have said it before but that is why I am so passionate about theatre. If one person walks away from a show questioning or thinking differently about a situation then I have succeeded. I am happy.

On a much lighter note I get to see my favorite band Phoenix live on Thursday in New Orleans. I might just cry out of sheer excitement. OK, so maybe that is a bit of a stretch but I am really pumped for this show.

I also have been having odd dreams lately. One my Ipod touch crumpled and broke in half. Another I was in a guy I knows bedroom and I looked on his nightstand and there were tickets to the same Phoenix concert I am going to Thursday. I honestly wish dream theory was "real" after having dreams like those.

Song of the Moment: "Today" By: Poe

Play of the Moment: Play It Again, Sam By: Woody Allen

Something I absolutely hate is remembering certain instances where I should have "seen" things differently.

I can't stand feeling like I should have done better, been wiser, or just paid attention.

Some people would say that is my ability to "see" those situations as different now means I have grown.

I have a hard time swallowing that.

But for the time being it's what will satiate my mind.

Secondary Colors

Sometimes being calm and collected is a bitch.

I see that in my acting. I see that in my interactions with people.

Sometimes it has it's benefits.

Being a watcher can be a good thing.

I guess I am striving for that perfect balance.

That in itself is a bitch.

Balance you life, checkbook, friends, parents, schoolwork, job, lovers, etc.

This is your life. One big balancing act.

My life is one big up hill battle of letting go. This is why I love theatre. You have to let go but maintain a critical eye. You push yourself. You aren't selling any product other than yourself. And if someone doesn't like the product there is nothing you can really do to change that. You might think that is scary or hurtful. I don't find it that way. It has helped me get through life. If you don't like me then Oh well. I know that there is someone that will.


I hate the days I feel so disillusioned.

However, I find it very soothing I have no real memories of my first two years of high school. You really do forget things. That is pretty reassuring actually.
Just when you think you'll never forget you end up forgetting. For some reason this fascinates me.


P.s.
I learned today what I thought was a Dolly is actually a Hand-cart.

P.s.s.
Time to go cleanse myself. I need a good run.


Play of the moment: The Norman Conquests by: Alan Ayckbourn

Song of the moment: "Save Yourself" by: Make Up

When I'm 65

Today my mom turned 65.

I wish I could tell her more than Happy Birthday over the phone.

I can genuinely say that I love my mother a lot. Unlike my father I love her not just because of her paternal relationship to myself.

She is pretty damned amazing.

Some how she raised me alone without any real help from my dad. Put me through Catholic Grammar and High School. Paid for lunches, dance lessons, hair cuts, birthday parties, dance costumes, and lots of other things kids don't really "need" but want.

All at the same time she managed to travel, a lot.

I love her.

I miss her.

I can't wait to see her this weekend.



Completely unrelated. I am an idiot.

Prude

Explain to me what the problem is at being a little slow to move in the intimate direction?

Don't get me wrong I enjoy intimate relations just like the next person but I guess I just require a little more before I let loose. I really can't explain it. Sex isn't the first thing that comes to my mind when I am attracted to someone. It rates pretty high. In the top five at least but it's not # 1.

I just have to be comfortable around someone before I dive into those murky waters. As wonderful as those feelings of passion are they make things so much more complicated. Maybe that is why I am such a prude. I can remember back to the first times I ever did anything like that and nerves I had over if someone would walk in on us. Or we would get caught parking in a some dark lot behind some building. Blame my conscious on all those years of a Catholic Education. I don't even believe the information they pounded into my head but the definetely left me a hefty tumor of guilt.

My best friend told me this summer that she finds it absolutely hilarous that I can act like a horny 12 yr old boy about sex and then clam up and be a prude when she approaches me with questions about my sex life. I've always had issues talking about those things. I can't explain that either. I am a reserved person to begin with so it tends to make things more difficult.

I guess I just want to know where I stand before I let my hair hang down and go crazy. And if I don't know where I stand then I can't let go.

"Can't get the stink off / He's been hanging round for days"

Why do we openly say something we know isn't true?

Do we say it in hopes of making the falsities true?

Do we say it because we are ignorant of the truth?

Do we say it to hear it out loud?

Do we say it because we enjoy lying?

Do we say it because we don't know the real answer?

Why?

~~~~~~~~

Does anyone ever truly know what they want to do with the rest of their life?

I have two points I know for sure.

A) Where I am right now
B) Where I would like to be when I am 40

And somewhere in between is where life happens. I can't help but think as long as you are doing something you love then you are where you want to spend the rest of you life. Or at least for that moment. People are constantly searching for what will make them happy. Do we ever really find what is going to make us happy. Or is it all just a mind trick. How long can you keep yourself content with what you have? Why not just throw all these philosophical questions aside and just live?

I know why I can't throw them aside. Because something in the base of my spine won't allow me to fathom doing that. If I settle then I won't survive. I can't explain it beyond what I have just typed. Anything you really want is worth the fight. You yourself might be a completely different person but that is fine. Make yourself happy.

Sometimes you have to stare the fear and anxiety right in the face and jump. Because if you don't then you won't get hurt. Getting hurt is half the battle. Picking yourself up is the rest.

If you want it just do it. You might be surprised with the outcome.



On a completely different note I just got done watching the film Brick. I rather enjoyed it.


Song of the Moment: "Just" by: Radiohead

Play of the Moment: Baby with the Bathwater By: Christopher Durang

I wake up and actually go to my Theatre History II class today and I am reminded of why I HATE going to that class.

A friend of mine describes it as "People discussing topical issues without any knowledge of the issues themselves." This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. If you do not know what you are talking about then SHUT YOUR MOUTH! I mean it! It takes A LOT for a person to admit that they know nothing about a topic and not speak. Especially, in this day and age. Maybe it's just me but I'd prefer not to open my mouth and accept that I don't know something about an isssue and then go inform myself about the issue before I open my mouth and sound like a complete idiot.

Example: Today in class a fellow student of mine decided to make the gross generalization that "It is the school systems fault for students bad attitudes." I am sorry hold on ten seconds.

My mom who has been a teacher for over 30 years would highly be offended by this statement. (Which pissed me off to begin with...)

Just because you complain that teachers treat you differently doesn't mean all teachers treat you like that. It is your OWN attitude that gets you into trouble. So YOU better cope with it and not bitch and complain. Your life is so hard because you didn't get an A but that football player did because he plays football??? Well, WAKE UP that is the real world. People get treated differently. I don't agree with the different treat of others but I sure as hell can accept it. It is a reality that isn't going to change anytime soon. The only thing YOU can do about it is recognize it and then not do it yourself.

I know I just completely ranted the hell out of that but I got really ticked off at 9am and that will probably ruin the rest of my day. I will try my best not to allow it to do so, but I can't make any promises.

People who cannot/will not allow themselves to rise above their circumstances really piss me off. Stop complaining and DO something. You don't have the right to complain unless you have DONE something about it. Until you have failed SHUT UP and even then get over it.

I also hate when people just spout off knowledge in class.

Example: We were discussing Dr.Faustus and someone just had to talk about DANTE. I am sorry but we are discussing Marlowe not Dante. It wouldn't have bothered me that much but the class was becoming a religious discussion and I couldn't help but raise my hand and point out that the Inferno was a POLITICAL SATIRE. It isn't the end all be all of where you go when you die!

Religion in general today is kind of pissing my off. I do not pay to come to school to discuss it so keep your mouth shut.

**NOTE!!!**
So after I wrote this entire post I went to my World Theatre Studies class at 1pm. We were watching Hedda Gabler and I stated my opinion of why I think she kills herself. Which is clearly supported by a comment Hedda makes about herself.

I said that she couldn't survive in this world because she was brought up only by her father and surrounded by men her whole life. Not allowing her to truly act like a woman and be accepted by women of the time period. Yet, men of the time period could only admire her because in that age she was essetnially property. She was liked her for great beauty. I don't know how many TIMES Ibsen talks about how beautiful she is in that play. ANYWAY apparently I said the wrong thing and I was DEAD wrong and 3 idiotic guys in my class were like no she just couldn't survive. They kept saying it had nothing to do about sex.

I'm sorry isn't Ibsen known for his revolutionary feminists concepts, i.e. A Doll's House. IDK maybe it's just me being to stupid to read a great work??

Anyway, I could care less that the 3 of them didn't agree with my opinion (everyone else did and most importantly I did ). But the thing that reall grinds my gears is that I raised me hand in that class to wait my turn to speak. Held it up for about 3 minutes. Politely, waited my turn to speak and as soon as I opened my mouth I was verbally assaulted. Plus, I was even allowed to finish my point. People who don't RESPECT a person's opinion really really really PISS me off.

Song of the Moment: "Salty Air" By: Bitter:Sweet

Play of the Moment: Bernice/Butterfly By: Nagle Jackson

Wake-up Mr. Microphone...

I can only be myself.

I can only be myself.

I can only be myself.

Today has been one of those days. I have to stop an remind myself of that somedays.
It doesn't and shouldn't matter. Someone can only like me for the wonderful person that I am.

Heres's the road down the right path.

On another note. Have you ever done something completely stupid? If you can't think of a time you are lying.

Liar.

Song of the Moment: "Space Dog" By: Tori Amos

Not a baby anymore.

I was going through all my old pictures on my laptop this evening. I was being all nostalgic.

And I realized something.

I am older now. I know. I know. Humor me a moment. I mean, I can actually see the difference now in pictures. Newer pictures I have more woman curves and stronger facial features.

This has put me in a very happy place surprisingly. I think to what I looked like in grammer and middle school and even the majority of high school. I just looked awkward. Bad teeth and a bit of acne. Long lanky arms and legs. Now, I look at the difference and am excited. Right now I am legitimately thrilled about aging.

I know I haven't peaked yet and love that feeling. I can only grow more. Mentally and physically.

I think that goes with my blood sweat and tears attitude. Something is simply not worth it without blood sweat and tears that come from working hard, in my opinion. I don't enjoy getting something unless I have worked for it.

Today I can only say bring it on!

Song of the moment: "I Close My Eyes" by: Shivaree

Play of the moment: Jake's Women by: Neil Simon

Truth be told.

Truth be told I feel completely useless today.

I hate days like this where I question any and all that I do...I thought after you hit your 20's the awful feelings of your teen years ended. *Bing Bing* Guess I was completely wrong.

Last night I drove around the whole city of BR just wanting to burst out of my skin. I guess those are the days I don't feel as if I am not living my life to the fullest. Truth be told, that is quite a recurring feeling.

It's almost been an entire year since Stephen and I broke up. I feel like a very different person today then I did one year ago. I don't long to be with him anymore and I am resigned to the end of that relationship and the fact that people grow up and away from one another. Life has become steadily easier and easier to cope with because of the many friends in my life.

I just wonder now that life has seem to lost that rosy gold feeling of goodness if it'll ever comeback again. I don't long for it I just question whether that feeling will ever return. Not necessarily about love but about life in general. I thought that innocence was the feeling I speak of but I have since learned that is not it. I feel like it is far less easier to define then one word.
I sound as if I am unhappy with life and slowly slipping into a god-awful depression again. But, that is not the case. I feel the exact opposite. I feel that I am moving as far away from that feeling as I could but in a realistic sense.

It is more or less that awkward growing up feeling that so many people try to quantize and label. Life at this stage I am figuring out is just inherently awkward. People begin to know what they want but have no real way of "getting it" just yet. Then when you make the means to get what you want you could find out that it is not what you wanted in the 1st place.

Life at this point is going with the flow and for a controlling person like myself it sucks hard. I think that is what genuinely depression wreaks of...people not being able to let go and just life take it's own course for as long as it needs. I know that is why I was so unhappy last year. I know that is why my Dad went through his depression. I couldn't hold onto anything. And floundering people do very very stupid things. However, I am past that stage. I am at the point where I am floating. I think it's important that I type these statements. I think it's part of "healing", for a lack of better words.

Floating.

The more and more I go through life the more and more I realize I have a deep need to relate things to make sense in my brain. If it makes sense to me I am much happier with my life. I feel like that is what this post has been about.

Growth is like theatre and dance and art to me. They aren't easy things to explain and you kind of just have to do them to get them. You have to give and take and move forward. Sometimes you are blind but completely and utterly aware to all that is around you. We constantly strive to feel as if we are alive and yet we are living proof everyday that we indeed are, Art is the day those wonders just click with us. The days life and living seems to make sense and our purpose is clear. In the end it's all about the balance that keeps you happy. Thats all you can really do for yourself in life. Just keep yourself happy.

Sometimes my spiritual expoundings are kind of sickening. I don't mean for this to sound profound. It is just for me. I am not trying to impress or compare or seek wisdom/guidence.

The way I work is I get it all outof my head and then I can think and dissect. I have to take myself out of a situation to really focus on something.

I think I need to stop qualfying everything I say, this is just for me after all.

Song of the moment: "Stella by Starlight" by: Bill Evans

She is like a cat in the dark / And then she is the darkness.

So, I am sitting in my room about to get ready for our schools Orientation. It's not what you think I promise. It's where the students sing and dance for the patrons to give us oodles of money. ^^ There is a reception with free food and drinks ( every college students dream ).

Truth be told I don't want to go back to school...

Yesterday I spent my entire afternoon bulk mailing 600 postcards. The same 600 I single handily stamped the other day. Only to find out today that we needed to make bigger stacks out of the smaller ones. I don't want to go back to school earlier and help the person who was supposed to help me stamp and bulk mail all 600 postcards. ( If you don't know what bulk mailing is it is a tedious task that involves putting the postcards in zip code order. Then you put them in stacks of like zipcodes. This would be an easy task. Or at least it sounds like it should be, but when you are sending postcards around the country with really not two similar zip codes you end up making stacks of 2 and 3 like zipcodes...In short it is a pain in the ass. )

Song of the moment: "Lady" by: Lenny Kravitz.

Play of the moment: I am still working on The God of Carnage...><

Anyway, I feel VERY VERY unproductive this week. I absolutely loathe that feeling. I can handle being lazy for a day or two but I am at the point where I am reaching insanity.

I wanted to work out the majority of this week because of the holiday but I possibly broke my toe two days ago and I didn't want to risk further hurting it...*sighs*

Whatever, next week I am kicking ass. On all levels.

...

So I've recently decided that other than just removing things from my brain I'd like to add a little something extra to my blog.

I will be putting on all my posts a song of the moment and a play of the moment. I know that probaly sounds for a lack of better words...pointless? The play of the moment is to catalogue what I am currently reading and motivate myself to read more. Hopefully with each post I will be on a NEW play. The song post is just to catalog my ever changing music tastes and hopefully there will be some correlation to the music and the plays. It's a whole concept I have working in my mind that music and literature well complement one another. It will hopefully motivate me to grow more as a director and not just think with a literary eye.

On to the main event than...

Play of the moment: The God of Carnage By: Yasmina Reza. Tony award winner. Original French cast included Ralph Finnes = AMAZING. How could I possibly go wrong?

Song of the moment: Cat People (Putting out the Fire) By: David Bowie. Why? Well why not? It is DAVID BOWIE. If only I could look that sexy as I age...But really I read a magazine at Border's the other day called Lemon Heroes. The whole issue was an omage to David Bowie and filled with interviews with Daft Punk. It was pretty awesome if I do say so myself. Then again I am a sucker for pretty layout and skinny men. Not to mention it had a review of one of my favorite movies The Phantom of the Paradise. Apparently Daft Punk loves the movies as well. Who'd have thought it?

Correlation has yet to be identified but I have a feeling something will come about.

Anyway, I'll be posting a short paragraph or two to get some writing out of the way...Look for that some time later...much later today.

I have my 1st directing scene rehearsal this Friday. I am doing a scene from August:Osage County again and I am very excited. Great cast and a even better scene. But, I love Tracy Letts. I am trying a ALOT with tempo and pace. We shall see how this prevails. I'll keep you updated.

I have no desire to grow old. I don't mind growing wiser but I don't like the idea of slowly falling apart. Unfortunately, my Dad is a very unpleasant reminder of this every time I see him.

Why is it that we as humans seek to be more than we are? Why do we fight to leave our mark on the world?

I ask these questions because I hate feeling like this on days like this.

I am in a generally foul mood. I feel like I might just rip through my skin with all the pint up energy and drive.

I also hate how at this moment my former cat Napoleon is staring me in the face with a tiny purple bow stuck in his hair. I pray I NEVER

Some people are very lucky to lead deceptively normal lives. It's all in the facade I assume.

I guess linking all of these thoughts together I crave a highly normal life. I don't desire to be famous and only enjoy recognition when it is deserved. I want to satisfy myself and someone else who makes me smile. I'm not happy unless other people are smiling.

And because I am in one of those moods here is some more writing just to get it out of my head...

She had no greater wish then to move like smoke. Elegant, flowing, ethereal...ever present but quickly dispersing into the air. Smoke that lingers only in sense memory, caught in your hair right before you shower. The kind of smoke that only appears in a good film noir.

He sat across from her and watched the smoke from her smoldering cigar play in the faint candle light. He had no idea why he was attracted to her. She didn’t make much sense to him. She was whimsical and serious all at the same time. He could never quite read her. She was like the Sunday LA times crossword puzzle; long elaborate and quite impossible to figure out. But if one put forth the time and effort they would feel rewarded by the sheer accomplishment. All metaphors aside he knew one thing that she excited him.

She was like trying to hold mercury in his hand. You had to have the perfect grasp on her otherwise if you were too tight she’d slip right out of you reach. And if you didn’t hang on to her she just slid right off you hand. The only problem with finally figuring out how to keep her around was that she like mercury wasn’t exactly good for your health. You could keep her around but she needed to be encased in a thin glass tube, meant for one to only look and never touch.

She tapped her cigar lightly against her fingers to ash the growing cherry. She knew he was looking at her but wasn't quite sure if she enjoyed his gaze. Instead of focusing on the intensity at which he watched her she let her mind give into the general buzz of life in the room. She could feel the pulse of the piano. The tingle of the white and black keys mixed with the peaceful swaying of the room. She only ever relayed on her feelings. Unlike, the look he gave her she was sure of this energy. Men's glances made her nervous and always put her ill at ease. But, she could feel this energy, this heart beat of the music taking over her mind. It was a bit like being intoxicated. She loved every minute of it. The bittersweet echo of the piano and white noise of the general group around her. Here is were she felt alive and lazy all together. Just like a lionesses, patiently switching her tail from left to right. Watching everyone and playing out different scenarios in her mind. Calculating everyone’s next move. She loved the intoxicated feeling of it all.

She was one of the few great watchers left in the world...

That is something I have been working on for awhile...It feels good to expel it all out.

Lemon Pine Sol

The white hot light was the first thing that hit his senses. Second, came the permeating smell of lemon. Lemon was considered one of the most recognizable smells to the human senses after all. The pain was what followed shortly after all of his senses seemed to creep back to life. Pain had never been an issue to him before, it was just an everyday occurrence that occasionally got in the way. But this pain was there and present and real. This pain seemed to take him back to a childhood memory or two that were a little to fuzzy for any real thought or care.
All he knew was that this pain was the only thing he had to latch onto now and he couldn't remember how or why it came about.
It felt as if all his skin was pulsing with every desperately long heart beat. The same skin that seemed to be amplified to feel any sudden movements in the room. Fear began to take over. All of his senses had slowly begun to return. Even if returning meant the numbed sensation his limbs screamed with. It slowly began to hit him like ice placed at the base of his spine. Coolly and calmly lurking it's way up each vertebra and settling at the base of his skull. Like a snake now coiled and hissing in his mind. It seemed to whisper in his ears ever so seductively. His sight hadn't returned yet. He had been conscious for at least an hour and he still couldn't see. Was he blind now? "Great" he thought, "Not only do I feel as if I just got hit by a semi-truck But I am strapped to a uncomfortably flat surface." Then is clicked, the wheels of time work very slowly...
"Shit!" he yelled. It wasn't really a yell of exasperation or pain. It was more a yell of happiness to cone-side his constantly returning senses. If he could begin to feel the leather straps that held him in place surely his other senses, most importantly his sight, would return.