Truth be told.

Truth be told I feel completely useless today.

I hate days like this where I question any and all that I do...I thought after you hit your 20's the awful feelings of your teen years ended. *Bing Bing* Guess I was completely wrong.

Last night I drove around the whole city of BR just wanting to burst out of my skin. I guess those are the days I don't feel as if I am not living my life to the fullest. Truth be told, that is quite a recurring feeling.

It's almost been an entire year since Stephen and I broke up. I feel like a very different person today then I did one year ago. I don't long to be with him anymore and I am resigned to the end of that relationship and the fact that people grow up and away from one another. Life has become steadily easier and easier to cope with because of the many friends in my life.

I just wonder now that life has seem to lost that rosy gold feeling of goodness if it'll ever comeback again. I don't long for it I just question whether that feeling will ever return. Not necessarily about love but about life in general. I thought that innocence was the feeling I speak of but I have since learned that is not it. I feel like it is far less easier to define then one word.
I sound as if I am unhappy with life and slowly slipping into a god-awful depression again. But, that is not the case. I feel the exact opposite. I feel that I am moving as far away from that feeling as I could but in a realistic sense.

It is more or less that awkward growing up feeling that so many people try to quantize and label. Life at this stage I am figuring out is just inherently awkward. People begin to know what they want but have no real way of "getting it" just yet. Then when you make the means to get what you want you could find out that it is not what you wanted in the 1st place.

Life at this point is going with the flow and for a controlling person like myself it sucks hard. I think that is what genuinely depression wreaks of...people not being able to let go and just life take it's own course for as long as it needs. I know that is why I was so unhappy last year. I know that is why my Dad went through his depression. I couldn't hold onto anything. And floundering people do very very stupid things. However, I am past that stage. I am at the point where I am floating. I think it's important that I type these statements. I think it's part of "healing", for a lack of better words.

Floating.

The more and more I go through life the more and more I realize I have a deep need to relate things to make sense in my brain. If it makes sense to me I am much happier with my life. I feel like that is what this post has been about.

Growth is like theatre and dance and art to me. They aren't easy things to explain and you kind of just have to do them to get them. You have to give and take and move forward. Sometimes you are blind but completely and utterly aware to all that is around you. We constantly strive to feel as if we are alive and yet we are living proof everyday that we indeed are, Art is the day those wonders just click with us. The days life and living seems to make sense and our purpose is clear. In the end it's all about the balance that keeps you happy. Thats all you can really do for yourself in life. Just keep yourself happy.

Sometimes my spiritual expoundings are kind of sickening. I don't mean for this to sound profound. It is just for me. I am not trying to impress or compare or seek wisdom/guidence.

The way I work is I get it all outof my head and then I can think and dissect. I have to take myself out of a situation to really focus on something.

I think I need to stop qualfying everything I say, this is just for me after all.

Song of the moment: "Stella by Starlight" by: Bill Evans