I am apparently the most impatient person my best friend knows.

Somehow I am not bothered by that. I do wish though that I could enjoy being patient more.

However, I am bothered how I make things inherently awkward. I don't know how I manage to do it but I succeed. I feel as though I have regressed, I am not that awkward of a person. But, throw in new people and I just lose it. I know this is why I stay close to the people that have known me the longest. Because there is no pretense with them. They know me and have known me through my worst times. (Sappy I know.) I just feel like if you can deal with my shit then you are worth hanging on to. Until I am comfortable around someone I am on guard.

This only complicates my life. As do most people's quirks.

It is 3 am and I am leaving to drive back to Natchitoches, LA at 5 am. I am insane. But, I love my friends and family so much that a 3 hour drive is a blink of an eye in my books.

I feel really good about myself. ( Egotistical sounding I am absolutely sure. )

I've thought a lot about some mistakes I made this past year. One thing I have come to terms with is why Stephen and I broke up. And why inevitably most relationships that don't end due to "foul play" eventually come to an end.

Everyone says that people grow apart. I guess I don't like that wording and it has never really sat well with me. I feel like you can "fix" growing apart. You could choose to grow closer to the person. ( Humor my twisted logic. It is the only way I know how to survive. ) It's not that people grow apart. They just want different things. I feel like I am OK with that wording because it's a conscious choice. Growing apart seems to me like an unconscious choice. But, I can accept wanting different things. It's like hearing, "I just don't see you in that role." It's someone's opinion and you have to accept it. You might not like it but you HAVE to accept it. Or at least by my books you should. I think it might have more to do with the fact that wanting something different then another person isn't settling. It is a conscious choice. You are owning up for your own opinion. And in this day an age people who really stick to their guns are few and far between.

I am a firm believer that you always make your own choices. There is no predestination etc.
My logic gets me into a lot of trouble. I am very black and white and the world isn't. The world is a ton of gray matter. That makes it very hard to make it through life. I know this and I am moving toward accepting that. It sucks but, this is growing up. This is a conscious choice I am making. I feel like THAT is what growing up should be. It's as if you spent the majority of your life going through the motions and suddenly you start to feel. Your body awakens and you realize that YOU are in control. You and only you. Not religion, your family, or even fate. Some people discover this early in life and others are late bloomers like myself.

Someone asked me not to long ago what I was thinking. It frightens me to say this but sometimes I feel like I don't think enough. I feel like sometimes I just do and I don't think. Like I am vacant. People complain of too many voices in their head. I wonder if I have too little.

Only now can I say that I know what it feels like to have my mind wander into thought. I feel like I used to imagine and think as a child more than I do now. But for some reason recently I have tapped into a reservoir of thought. A hidden river of ideas and concepts that I haven't been able to see.

I know I have grown because I feel as if I have an awareness of my mind and my body. That is a pretty empowering feeling. But with this empowerment comes hesitation and impatience. The constant questioning of WHY?

I love being forced to think. I know I have said it before but that is why I am so passionate about theatre. If one person walks away from a show questioning or thinking differently about a situation then I have succeeded. I am happy.

On a much lighter note I get to see my favorite band Phoenix live on Thursday in New Orleans. I might just cry out of sheer excitement. OK, so maybe that is a bit of a stretch but I am really pumped for this show.

I also have been having odd dreams lately. One my Ipod touch crumpled and broke in half. Another I was in a guy I knows bedroom and I looked on his nightstand and there were tickets to the same Phoenix concert I am going to Thursday. I honestly wish dream theory was "real" after having dreams like those.

Song of the Moment: "Today" By: Poe

Play of the Moment: Play It Again, Sam By: Woody Allen