People put up walls.

This is stupid.

Fear is what we learn.

I just have to keep reminding myself that it is all worth it.

God I wish I didn't have to drive back to Natchitoches.

I am really unhappy with myself right now. This sucks. I just feel fat. I need to go to the gym and run and enjoy being active again. I need a good cry and I definitely feel one coming on.

I just get so tired of being a good person.

I just wish school was over already.

I hate when my friends are busy. It reminds me of how lonely I am without them.

And I'm trying to do the best I can but I'm a limited primitive kind of man

I really would like to post something but I can't think of much to say.

I guess I'll just say that I find it utterly interesting that people can still think about our previous boyfriends/girlfriends. I friend of mine told me about a episode of This American Life from a few years ago. A young man called an ex of his in hope to find out how she had been doing and where her life was going. It spoke of how we as humans can obsess over the actions we have done in the past. And a possible reason as to why we check up on former partners is to check in and evaluate if we have actually made the right decision. It somewhat supports my opinion of how as humans we don't really wish harm on those we with which have shared portions of our life. ( I guess my underlying optimism shines through once again. ) It's that feeling you get when you discover that the supposed love of your life is happier then they ever were with you. It's earth shatteringly thought provoking, because clearly if they can find someone that makes them that happy then there is definitely someone out there for you.

Maybe it all goes back to the fact that we are constantly searching for that moment. The moment when being with one person is just right. There are no hesitations or thoughts of how something could be made better. It's not tolerance or contentment. It's just right and you know it. Once you've experienced that feeling you are constantly searching for it whether consciously or unconsciously aware of it. I can speak of this same moment in all forms of art. It's snapping a photo that speaks volumes or experiencing that feeling of energized electricity of a "real" moment on stage.

In the theatre world we constantly speak of obtaining moments and recreating the same moment with the same intensity that we had the night before. Creating a constant in an extremely volatile and inconstant world. If you've ever gone to a play and seen what I speak of then you know what I mean. If not then think of the time that you looked into someones eyes and you swore you say fireflies or radiant orbs of golden light surround them when they spoke. When your skin felt like pure static electricity when grazed by anther's hand. Or merely how you feel alone in your own space while singing in the shower or dancing to your favorite song naked and you KNOW no one can see you.

We are constantly searching for unobtainablely obtainable moments in our lives. Because deep down we don't remember days. We remember moments. Snapshots are what fill our memories and minds. Good or bad our head is a photo album of our life where different places,peoples,songs,actions, or anything really could trigger some time of memory.


Things like this fascinate the hell out of me. It makes my life worth living. It makes the story worth writing and the wine worth drinking.


Song of the moment: Carmensita By: Devendra Banhart and The Denial Twist By: The White Stripes

Don't Stop the Mullet

For the first night in my life I went to 80's Night at the Spanish Moon.

There was a very very awkward man with a mullet who would walk up to some of the girls I was with, including myself, and touch us on the shoulder. It made me completely uncomfortable. Minus said Mullet Man I had an awesome time.

I have a few things to say.

1. Had the best Thanksgiving of her life tonight.

2. I had that Don't Stop Believing Moment again in my life. The one were you are enjoying the song some much that you might never be able to replicate it again. Or at least for a very long time.

3. Multiple people told me they loved my hair and thought it looks great. Which makes me feel really great. This past week I have been told I look like two very beautiful women. One is Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy. I would love to believe this statement but I am pretty sure it is just because of the way my hair looks when I put in a pony tail now. The other women I was told I look like is my Aunt Sylvia. That is a huge compliment to me. She was very attractive. : )

4. I learned that you can have that same moment I spoke of earlier without a significant other in your arms. Instead you can have your sweaty arms wrapped around some of your best friends.

5. No matter what you will always second guess yourself. But, you shouldn't let that get to you. Just because a guy liked almost a year ago doesn't mean that is constant. There is a tragic beauty in the sublime fact that the world and human beings are continuously changing and creating and even destroying.

6. You can still have sexual chemistry with someone even after a long time. Sometimes people just dig one another.

7. Can say at this moment in her life she has no regrets. I am very proud of myself for that reason. I wouldn't be the person I am today without those choices I have made.


Two idea for short stories. One is the harsh reality of my family. That was the original concept of my post.

Second is the awkward intimacy between older men and women after they have been divorced or widowed.

Which is a huge cue for some lines in my mind.

Beth awoken to the sound of her cats purring in her ear. In a daze that soon melted into the lethargy that was a hang over she panicked. She was going to be late. In the pit of her stomach a tidal wave a guilt and remorse pummeled her mind. She climbed out of bed and noticed the smell first. It was that same smokey odor she became so familiar with this past year of her life. The same feeling you get when you realize you are wearing the very same clothes you so meticulously picked out the night before. The smoke had settled into her pores as well as the blades of her golden highlighted hair. With 20 minutes to make it to her only nieces Baptism what was a girl to do?

She hobbled her way to the bathroom next to her bedroom. She could barely stand up not because she still felt the alcohol in her system but rather because she had stood up all last night in heels. This clearly meant she'd wear flats for the Baptism. She whipped open her closet and grabbed her stand by black dress. And on second thought put the black dress up and held onto a bright burgundy one. Then with a third and final prevailing thought she picked up her teal jersey knit dress she loved. When in doubt always go with your third choice. Some people call that settling but not Beth. Beth liked to think of her third choices like well informed decision making. After all if she went for her first choice she'd be getting what she wanted. And always getting what you want never works out very well.

Eh Eh Eh Nothing Else I Can Say...

I bought the new Lady GaGa CD today. I know she could very easily be made fun of but I think she is pretty smart. To me she represents a giant parody of our labeled and celebrity obessed society. Anyway, her CD is enjoyable.

On a more somber note...Yesterday the guy I have been "talking" to admited to me that he didn't really have feelings for me. He was actually very plesant about it. He explained how he felt I did everything "right" and it wasn't my fault, he just didn't feel a spark. True to my fashion I wrote a very complex note via facebook explaining how I felt and how I wanted to continue our friendship. I agreed with him, I didn't really feel a spark when we were together. That statement might partially be a lie but it wasn't the feeling I get when I KNOW I want to be with someone. I think there was something there, it just wasn't strong enough. What happened next surprised me. I got a note saying that I was possibly the most understanding and sweet girl he had ever met. I double edged sword, right?

I don't know why but in situations of relationships I just am always so self sacrificing. I am incredibly sweet, it is a downfall. Even in regards to break-ups I just really want to see the other person happy. And I am more bummed about not being able to fill that void for another person then I am upset about it ending. If that makes any sense at all. I guess, I just feel life is too short to stay mad at someone because something didn't work out. I don't enjoy harboring hate it makes me moody and annoyed.

In regards of this guy too I just feel like he is misunderstood. Maybe not completely and utterly but I know of a few people who aren't his biggest fan. Granted his track record might not be pristine but I think people grow and they learn from their mistakes. He could have been a total jerk and never spoken to me again like when we were 15. But he didn't he told the truth. Which is much more then some men can do. I think I also just get people and I assume that he has dealt with people not understanding him his whole life. That is definitely not easy. I remember people not getting me or my humor growing up and I can just relate. Everytime we spent time together I got this feeling that he never stopped thinking, that in itself is a curse. If you can't turn down the noise in your mind sometimes you come across as odd. Instead of figuring out how to turn down that noise people turn to vices to find that click or that solace that is craved. Whatever it is I sincerely hope that he find someone who does get him and provides him with that spark.

I can thank him for one thing. I didn't think about Stephen when I was with him. He helped me get out of a stagnate period of my life and remember that people do find me attractive and I am a truly good person. Yes, you don't NEED someone in your life to remind you of those things but sometimes it helps remind you that you are headed in the right direction. That someone sees the hard work you strive to put in and someone just clicks with you. It's that whole us against the world feeling. I am not saying that is what I felt with him. But, that is ultimately what we are all looking for right?


Maybe I am too much of a romantic to believe in all the optimism and growth and change I see in the world. I don't mean a LOVE romantic. I mean someone who looks through rose colored glasses and see the glass half full kind of romantic. I've made it 22 years like this, I think I can make it the rest of my life.

Song of the Moment: I Just Haven't Met You Yet By: Michael Buble

Baptized in a Bathroom

So apparently it is my season to have awkward incidents.

Last night I went to a party and had a decent time except for two things.

1. A guy I was "talking" to completely ignored me the entire night.

2. At the end of the night I knew it was time for me to leave when people began to laugh about the prison mail that the house received. I felt completely apart from what was going on as I looked at the picture of this poor man jail's eleven year old son. This man sent a picture to a house that he believed his cousin to live at. The kid wrote on the back of this photo. It was VERY likely it is one a few photos the man actually has of a his son and he GAVE it up. I don't find that funny and couldn't laugh at it. Then again I find it very hard to laugh with people who find other's circumstances so humorous.

During this awkward moment I had this surreal Jack Kerouac moment. As I observed all the hipster kids laughing over this "highly amusing" letter and picture. I felt completely apart from my generation. I started to imagine so many of the people I knew at the party as characters in a Kerouac novel, all pretentious and destructively beautiful at the same time. I don't know maybe it's the whole moth to flame idea but, I was oddly fascinated and repulsed by the situation. Then again I, like Kerouac, tend to "hang" with those "philosophical geniuses" and would much rather observe them and write about them then anything. I guess it just further supports my concept of a Beat Generation Renaissance. We are at a point in our lives where people thing their opinions and statements are the gospel truth. People change and opinions change. Pot won't get you closer to God and won't give you the power to see through walls even though you might feel like it does. Ground Control to Major Tom, put down the roach clip!

But that isn't the point of my post.

My real point is my OTHER awkward story. Today, I went to Jason's Deli with my two friends Morgan and Chris. While there I had the sudden urge to go to the bathroom. I went and when I got into the women's room I noticed that all three stalls were taken. So, I waited and while doing so noticed that two women were in the handicapped stall. I finally was able to get into a stall and as I began to pull my pants down realized that the two women were talking about Jesus. One women was basically performing a "saving" act on the other woman. I heard between murmurs of crying and whispers. "Please let her have only the words of Jesus come out of her mouth and not let the Devil grasp her soul." At this exact moment I had a decision to make. I could go to the bathroom and get out of there. Or I could pull up my pants and leave and hold it till I finished my meal and do my business in the privacy of my own bathroom. I bit the bullet and chose the first.

I am constantly amazed that people have to justify their wrong doings by placing the blame on another person or another non-existent entity. Now, I am NOT saying that God doesn't exist because I know somewhere in the world someone would read my blog and bitch me out about the Lord's higher powers. I am just saying that people in general lay the blame for their own inadequacies on others. Believe me I KNOW I am guilty of it but I try to censor it. For example I got into a huge argument with someone about how sex is PURELY a biological act. I'm sorry but I think that is an embittered cynical sexist comment void of any emotion. It's basis is biology but that doesn't mean that it's the only thing that cranks the tractor. "Oh yes honey I am so turned on by the pure fact that you will insert your penis into my vagina and NOTHING else."

People generally amaze me. The things we do to put up walls in relationships to merely survive our short time here on earth utterly baffles me. I can't handle this bleak view of the world most of the time. If you like someone then like them. Drink every moment as if it's your last drop. If you don't then you will end up being the embittered scientist with a staunch biological opinion on everything. Nothing is BLACK AND WHITE. Science is the basis of it all but spirit is the glue that holds it all together.

Now I am getting off my high horse and hitting the hay.

Song of the Moment: "I'm Not Waiting" From the Musical It's Only Life

Play of the Moment: Master Harold and the Boys By Athol Fugard

P.s.

I love feeling the inner fire of myself finally come back to life after such a long time. I have never taken people's shit but lately I've been really pushing it in their faces. So say hello to a bigger and better fiery blog.

Are we breaking up? Is there trouble between you and I?

So a friend of mine text messaged me that he needed to talk to me two nights ago.

He later told me he wanted to talk to me because he was having serious doubts about his relationship with his girlfriend. Then he said he had a mild crush on me.

We talked. I told him he owed it to his girlfriend to talk to her about what was bothering him. If he felt the relationship was worth saving then they could fix it. But, if he felt that it was a lost cause then he should break up with her because in the end that is the better choice. You shouldn't perpetuate feelings that aren't there. I also told him I don't have feelings for him.

I also asked him how long he has ever been single. He has only ever been single for no more than 9 months in his life. I am amazed more and more how people float from one person to the next. We define ourselves by our interactions with others and not ourselves for a large portion of our life. And yet we will be single for a LARGE portion of our lives. It's like we can't handle being alone so we begin our hunt for the next victim quite often on the coat tails of the end of another relationship. I don't think that is right. In my belief system you should be content and happy with yourself and being isolated before you look to being in a relationship. I know a lot of people disagree with me but this is just my opinion.

None the less, human beings greatly fascinate me.

I find it is very hard when you are in a situation like this. I am very clinical and forward. I tell the person out right that I don't have feelings for them and I don't mind being their friend. Maybe I lack compassion sometimes?? I don't know. I just know that I would want someone to tell me that. That way I could move on with my life and I wouldn't be lead on.


On a completely different note I LOVE learning new things! I was watching this awesome channel I get called Ovation. It's like a snobby version of PBS dedicated to the ARTS!!! How amazing is that???!!! Anyway they had this show on The Bauhaus.

If you don't know about it read about it!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bauhaus


Song of the Moment: "Everything Up (Zizou)" By: Zero 7
Play of the Moment: Old Times By: Harold Pinter

I think I have a problem taking compliments.

I become very awkward and don't know what to say.

But, I have a vagina and that makes me love compliments all the same.

I think I will try my best to for now on just say, "Thank You!" when I receive one.

One of the hardest things you will ever have to do is get over someone you loved. Moving on in general is very hard. You can't equate potential partners with that person. Everyone is a separate entity. Get used to it.

That is the story of my life. However, in true form I a breaking stride.

My new song of the moment and attitude is "I Haven't Met You Yet" By: Michale Buble.
Because I am 22 years old and haven't found the "one" and that is ok!!

I got told today I was like Carrie from Sex in the City today. Too bad I never really watched the show...

On a separate note, The Merry Widow opened tonight. It's awesome performing but I will be happy when this show is over. I will be very disappointed if this is my last show at NSU because it has been a pretty terrible experience.

Goldeneye

I have a rather large gold spot in my right eye.

I can tell when someone who is looking at me has figured this out because they gain this look of pure bewilderment. I immediately say "Why yes I have a rather large gold dot in my eye."

It's a pretty funny conversation starter.

Tonight I got asked if that was my real eye color. After I went into my spiel about my eye the guy said, "I was just going to say that you have some of the most beautiful eyes."

Totally awkward. I have no idea how I do it but I manage to make some of the simplest situations awkward.

None the less I enjoyed the compliment. Even though it was given to me by a thirty year old opera singer whose make-up I was doing.

I don't know why I attract eccentric awkward older men...

Business Suit Politics

She had no greater wish then to move like smoke. Elegant, flowing, ethereal...ever present but quickly dispersing into the air. Smoke that lingers only in sense memory, caught in your hair right before you shower. The kind of smoke that only appears in a good film noir.

He sat across from her and watched the smoke from her smoldering cigar play in the faint candle light. He had no idea why he was attracted to her. She didn’t make much sense to him. She was whimsical and serious all at the same time. He could never quite read her. She was like the Sunday LA times crossword puzzle; long elaborate and quite impossible to figure out. But if one put forth the time and effort they would feel rewarded by their sheer accomplishment. All metaphors aside he knew one thing that she excited him.

She was like trying to hold mercury in his hand. You had to have the perfect grasp on her otherwise if you were too tight she’d slip right out of you reach. And if you didn’t hang on to her she just slid right off you hand. The only problem with finally figuring out how to keep her around was that she like mercury wasn’t exactly good for your health. You could keep her around but she needed to be encased in a thin glass tube, meant for one to only look and never touch.

She tapped her cigar lightly against her fingers to ash the growing cherry. She knew he was looking at her but wasn't quite sure if she enjoyed his gaze. Instead of focusing on the intensity at which he watched her she let her mind give into the general buzz of life in the room. She could feel the pulse of the piano. The tingle of the white and black keys mixed with the peaceful swaying of the room. She only ever relayed on her feelings. Unlike, the look he gave her she was sure of this energy. Men's glances made her nervous and always put her ill at ease. But, she could feel this energy, this heart beat of the music taking over her mind. It was a bit like being intoxicated. She loved every minute of it. The bittersweet echo of the piano and white noise of the general group around her. Here is were she felt alive and lazy all together. Just like a lionesses, patiently switching her tail from left to right. Watching everyone and playing out different scenarios in her mind. Calculating everyone’s next move. She loved the intoxicated feeling of it all. She was one of the few great watchers left in the world.

With a lull of her head to the side she made eye contact with him. He had one of those gazes like a combination lock, once you reached a certain number you can't go any further. You locked eyes with him and you'd better like number the 23 because you were going to be there for awhile. This was a bad equation for her, she wasn't the type of woman to be controlled by a man. In fact she tended to run from them. Normally, men would be more than happy to let her run. They always assumed she'd come back.

"It's gone out.", his voice seemed to shatter the smokey coma that she was entranced by as he pointed to her extinguished cigar.

"It appears you are correct." She almost murmured under her breath.

"Would you care for a light? Perhaps another gin and tonic? Or we could pick up where we were before we left the office.", the glint in his eyes was almost enough to make her smile. Almost enough.

"No, I think I am done for the evening.", the tone in her voice slightly short, "I very seldom mix business with pleasure and tonight I feel as if we have almost gone a bit too far."

"I don't understand how a woman of your means. One who enjoys any of the finer things in life could be so adverse to pleasure.", he mused.

He had laid his ace rather earlier in the evening. There he was twenty three staring her in the face. The only way she'd get around him was to back track a bit...

Weekend

I feel like I have accomplished absolutely nothing this weekend.

I have so many things I should have done. But, laziness has taken over.

On a lighter note. Nothing beat being awaken in the morning to two of your cats fighting on top of you and getting scratched all over you arm!!!!

God I love my pets!!!!


*Please note the sarcasm*

Tick Tock. Tick Tock.

Something I find absolutely frightening is that a moderate portion of people I attended high school with now attend college with are heading in the martial direction.

I am 22. I was one of the oldest people in my class and there are people younger than me or close to my age that are married, engaged, or pregnant. WTF???? When did this whole growing up thing happen to people that I know????

I just can't come to terms with the idea that some people have found their "better half" so early in life. Maybe I have been disillusioned over the past year but, I don't know if I could settle for anyone at this point in my life. There are so many places I want to see and so many things I want to do before I get tied down. Don't get me wrong being in a relationship is so seductively secure. To know that someone knows you that well, can please you, make you laugh, and be the center of your world is so EASY. That routine is so safe. I think to take care of yourself is a lot harder and more complicated. It is so much easier to make another person happy at this point in our lives. When in reality we should be making ourselves happy and discovering who WE are, we shouldn't be becoming a two person entity.

I guess, I just can't deal with safe. If I am getting married to someone it better be the "over the moon" kind of love. Not, "Oh, this guy knocked me up. It is the respectable thing to do." or "We have been together since high school and I am accustom to her/him." I know that sounds cheesy but I can't be content with mediocre. It doesn't have to be love at first sight or any kind of lovey dovey sickingly romantic but, you do have to know you can't live without that person.

I guess I am just sick of that high school concept of a relationship and am looking for something more. I don't need a friend with benefits but I don't think I am ready for a relationship right now. I don't want someone just interested in my for my body or my looks or eve my mind. I am looking for something that I won't know till it hits me. That is how relationships work. You know when you know. It's that simple.

Not really...

Two Face

I jsut want to start off by saying I hate people who are two faced and can not stand up for themselves. If you have a problem to me I beg you to bring it my attention. Do not go behind my back and talk about me. Do not treat me all happily when you see me and be a completely different person behind my back. No one appericates a liar.

On another note, my second season show got approved. Which means I get to direct an entire show all by myself next semester. ^^ It is pretty awesome if I do say so myself.

How do you know it is safe? How do you know where you stand in a relationship? Why is it so hard to get that message across to another person?

I feel like a complete fat ass today. No more excuse, to the gym it is, every Monday Wednesday, and Friday. Time to stop being lazy.

I actually went to the gym today, for the first time in about a month. ><>< Oh well! That is my punishment for being a fatty.

I say this all jokingly. I do enjoy physical activity for more then just losing weight/toning.

However, I do not enjoy men who hit on women at the gym. I am in my zone with my Ipod in my ears. Do you really think I want to talk to you about how you think I am cute and want my phone number? Well, other girls might be polite but I am somewhat bitchy and ignore you. Please, don't follow me around the gym either. Then you are just a creeper.

Don't get me wrong I am slightly flattered but it is the gym. I didn't go there to get hit on. I went there to be on my OWN and not be bothered. It happens to be my happy place so don't fuck with it!!!

Sorry I just needed to get that out there and in the open.

P.s.
I am taking a trip to LSU to discuss graduate schools at the end of November ><

Ghosts of the Past

If you had the choice right now in your life would you change a choice you made?

Tonight after a hellish Merry Widow rehearsal the director pontificated on the topic of sacrifice in this field. The list of things that I have given up already after 4 years is pretty long. Is it worth it? Will it continue to be worth it?

It is worth it right now. But when my family members pass on will it still be worth it? The birthdays and celebrations the sadness and the grieving. I know I will miss out on will be great.

Deep inside I know it is worth it. I sucks but after 4 years I still think it is worth it. Yes, I miss my family and friends. Yes I get homesick but the feeling of pure joy I get from sharing in a show with a group of people is pretty amazing. It is an electric shock when the chemistry is just right between a cast and crew. And it is utter hell when chemicals create a corrosive acid.

Merry Widow is leaving a bad taste in my mouth and at the same time reminding me that I can do better.

Maybe I am at a fault when I pose the question to so many situations in my life. I always ask, How can i learn from this? How can I make it better? This type of thinking is murder in all types of relationships. Because there is a time, especially when it concerns art, that you just have to leave something alone. You can't touch it anymore. I think a lot of artists think like that.

On a side note I am looking forward/not looking forward to a wedding around the Thanksgiving holiday. Some close friends of mine are getting married and I am excited for them. However, I will see my first boyfriend there. The last time I actually held more then a bitingly cold conversation with him he was crying with his face in my life begging me to take him back. I do not want to deal with a drunken ex-boyfriend. I might sound like a bitch but I have no sympathy for him. I pity him a little but I don't like him as a person. He took away my scruples and made me a weak person when I am so much stronger then I allowed myself to be. I was under his thumb for longer then I care to remember.

Also a few nights ago Stephen and I talked. We had a conversation that was pleasant. He is going to LSU next semester. The conversation culminated in us laughing about how I need an editor in my life. The next thing he said greatly startled me. He said "I could be your editor." Feeling the double meaning in his infliction I swiftly laughed it off and said "Not at this point in my life you can't." How easy it would to fall back into that mess again. I can feel it as fervent as the tears forming in my eyes. I can't wait till this tie that he has on me is completely dissolved. I want to desperately close that chapter of my life. I'll just chalk up all these unresolved emotions to my loneliness.

Men are the bane of my existence.

Irrationally I want to run to the East or West Coast as far as I can from the men in my life. But, just like Holly Golightly you can't run from your problems. God, I have been a runner my whole life. I run from confrontation and the people I care about the most are the ones who make me face the confrontation out right. The ones who run after me. The ones who sit on top of me and won't let me leave till they have their say. The ones who challenge me and force me to think. Too many things come easy to me. I think this is why I love art so much. It is so objective that people are constantly challenging you, pushing you.

Almost Always Crying...

So we closed our second show of the season. I did hair and make-up backstage for the show I wanted to be in the most, Almost Maine. What a cruel trick of fate to end up working on the show you wanted to be in the most. Well, welcome to the wonderful world of theatre folks. *sighs* But I got over that. I had a fun time working with the cast and enjoyed to make-up.

However, what did not enjoy was crying every night I watched the show. Ever scene made me a blubbering school girl. God, I hate crying sometimes. Normally, I am OK with it and actually enjoy it. It is a very cleansing process. But, this show just hit too close to home. It was all about love. The loss of it, the getting it back, the accident of it, or even being too late for it. It really is a beautiful show. But it's a little hard to help people back stage when you can't even see from all the tears.

The one line in the show that it was pretty much a guarantee I'd gush like a geyser ever night...

"Because I won't be able to love you back: I have a heart that can pump blood and that's all. The one that does the other stuff is broken. It doesn't work anymore."

*sighs*

On another note, I went to two Halloween parties this weekend. Both of them were lame.

This bring me to the heart of my post for today.

There is a huge generation gap between me and the freshman of this school year. I am at the point where I have not and do not throw up at parties. I know my limit. I also know not to make an idiot of myself at a party. A few goofy antics are fine but have your body haning out of all part of you costume as you hump the ground on all fours is a little much for me.

I am just ready to get the fuck out of Natchitoches. I don't have time for the drama of this school anymore. Where I am going after I graduate I have no idea. If I get a job at UPTA then hello wherever I am going. I don't know if "stage acting" is the thing I want to do with the rest of my life. But sense I have been at school I have been in one show. So I can't gauge the rest of my life off of one experience. If I don't try then I will never know. I know I picked the right degree. I know I wanted to have a degree in theatre. Now, I just need to figure out what I want to do with it. I have talked about opening my own theatre and being in an art administration position. But, I have never had either of those opportunities presented to me. Maybe I will apply for an internship somewhere with an art admin position...

I know one thing. I want security really badly in my life. But, hey at this age you don't get that. We are floating and we have no security. Welcome to the real world.