Ghosts of the Past

If you had the choice right now in your life would you change a choice you made?

Tonight after a hellish Merry Widow rehearsal the director pontificated on the topic of sacrifice in this field. The list of things that I have given up already after 4 years is pretty long. Is it worth it? Will it continue to be worth it?

It is worth it right now. But when my family members pass on will it still be worth it? The birthdays and celebrations the sadness and the grieving. I know I will miss out on will be great.

Deep inside I know it is worth it. I sucks but after 4 years I still think it is worth it. Yes, I miss my family and friends. Yes I get homesick but the feeling of pure joy I get from sharing in a show with a group of people is pretty amazing. It is an electric shock when the chemistry is just right between a cast and crew. And it is utter hell when chemicals create a corrosive acid.

Merry Widow is leaving a bad taste in my mouth and at the same time reminding me that I can do better.

Maybe I am at a fault when I pose the question to so many situations in my life. I always ask, How can i learn from this? How can I make it better? This type of thinking is murder in all types of relationships. Because there is a time, especially when it concerns art, that you just have to leave something alone. You can't touch it anymore. I think a lot of artists think like that.

On a side note I am looking forward/not looking forward to a wedding around the Thanksgiving holiday. Some close friends of mine are getting married and I am excited for them. However, I will see my first boyfriend there. The last time I actually held more then a bitingly cold conversation with him he was crying with his face in my life begging me to take him back. I do not want to deal with a drunken ex-boyfriend. I might sound like a bitch but I have no sympathy for him. I pity him a little but I don't like him as a person. He took away my scruples and made me a weak person when I am so much stronger then I allowed myself to be. I was under his thumb for longer then I care to remember.

Also a few nights ago Stephen and I talked. We had a conversation that was pleasant. He is going to LSU next semester. The conversation culminated in us laughing about how I need an editor in my life. The next thing he said greatly startled me. He said "I could be your editor." Feeling the double meaning in his infliction I swiftly laughed it off and said "Not at this point in my life you can't." How easy it would to fall back into that mess again. I can feel it as fervent as the tears forming in my eyes. I can't wait till this tie that he has on me is completely dissolved. I want to desperately close that chapter of my life. I'll just chalk up all these unresolved emotions to my loneliness.

Men are the bane of my existence.

Irrationally I want to run to the East or West Coast as far as I can from the men in my life. But, just like Holly Golightly you can't run from your problems. God, I have been a runner my whole life. I run from confrontation and the people I care about the most are the ones who make me face the confrontation out right. The ones who run after me. The ones who sit on top of me and won't let me leave till they have their say. The ones who challenge me and force me to think. Too many things come easy to me. I think this is why I love art so much. It is so objective that people are constantly challenging you, pushing you.