Insomina

A year ago I went to the Renaissance Festival in Hammond Louisiana. I had my tarot cards read to me and for some reason what the lady told me has always stuck with me. She said that the next three years of my life would be the hardest I would ever experience. That I would constantly doubt if I was making the right decision. She also said this is the time in my life where I would be discerning all the things that I felt were right and wrong. She's right.

She's not right because she has some divine ability to see the truth in the cards. (At least not in this instance) Because this is all pretty general knowledge information. Psychologically from the time you are in your teens to you mid to late twenties you are in a period of self doubt. If you thought high school was the only time for you it then you are dead wrong. Some psychologists say it's even worse in your twenties.

I took an amazing class last Spring semester called Personal Adjustment and Development Psychology. It's probably been the most beneficial class I have ever taken in my life. I know I shouldn't base my life on pure scientific fact, unless I want to become a robot, but I take a great comfort in the silent understanding between my peers that we all doubt ourselves to a certain extent at this age. That people my age are going through the same thing. It's part of my personal belief system that it all has something to do with the human condition. But that is a topic I could expound on forever if you let me. I will say this, that I think the way we get through life couldn't be put better than what my friend Andy wrote me one day.

"You try to be a good person, you try to treat everyone better than he deserves. And in return, strangers shoot you down as idealistic, and your friends take advantage of you and abandon you.

But every now and then, you find someone who's fighting the same battle you are. And you team up with that person and fight the good fight together. And sometimes that relationship works out and sometimes it doesn't, but the important thing is that you're an even better person for having associated with someone as good as you are.

Your true friends will always be by your side. And if they screw up and leave you, they'll come back. You have to believe in that, or else you can't trust anyone."

It's poetically reassuring. I think I look at this once a day since he sent it to me.

It's similar to that feeling you get when you realize your best friends from high school are the friends whom you can call and meet up with when you are back in town. And when you start hanging out it feels like you never left and you just pick up where you left off. I think the best relationships are like that. You acknowledge that something happened while you were apart but you lived just as equally a full life so you are more than happy to be spending time with that person now.

I know I have said this in one of my past blogs but sometimes I repeat myself. But, if I can look back when I am in my 80's-90's and smile from all the memories I have then I know I have lived a fully and happy life. I also know that I wish for nothing more in the world then that. A full, rich, life. That kind of life it would take days to tell your grandchildren or strangers about.

I feel that at our core human beings want the simplest things. But, we can't think simplistically like animals. Instead we pick the most complicated way to get the things we want. Or sometimes we even take the opposite of what we want to get what we want.

I should have prefaced all of this by saying I fell asleep around 9pm and woke up with the worst case of indigestion in my life. : ( I shouldn't have eaten all that yummy fair food at Christmas Fest today. But, deep fry it and put it on a stick and I don't care what it is I'll eat it. It could be dog poo and I'd still eat it. Why??? Because it's on a stick and DEEP FRIED!! How convenient and deliciously artery clogging!


Why do we as humans search to fix the things that didn't work out?

I know why I do it. I do it because I constantly analyze things. It took me a LONG time to figure out what my stage combat teacher meant when he called me a tactician. I looked up the word and took it for face value. When it comes to combat I always asked why am I doing this? What move could my opponent produce next that I could be preventing? What could my next move be if I can't get out of this situation? How can I fix this to where I win the fight?

I have since found he didn't just mean that sentiment in regards to only stage combat.

I did this even when I stage managed. I would watch the actors and map their blocking in a strategic sense. I didn't do this for any other reason then I am a VERY visual person. If you show me how to do it then I won't forget it. If you tell me then I might have a bit more trouble remembering all the steps.

Even when I have assistant directed I thought of ways to fix hiccups in a performance. As a house manager that is what I recently spent two whole days doing. Preventing, questioning, fixing, etc. I excel at this type of work. I could analyze or interpret or expound till the cows came home. It's second nature to me. But, I don't want to spend the rest of my life wasting my thought process on Stage Managing or House Managing.

I might have solved my "theatre problem." I need to find a way to merge my thought process to acting. I have never really done that. I mean I have gotten closer and closer over this past four years to this concept by being involved in a directing sense. I other words I need to take my style and make it work for me. I need to analyze the shit out of all my next projects and monolouges. I can leave no bases uncovered.

I love when you mind is dormant and suddenly awoken to a concept that you KNEW but never really executed.

P.s.
See if I type this out tactically and question WHY I get things fixed!!! IRONY!!