Painfully Aware

Today I was painfully aware of two things.

1. I really really really wish I could sing. I went to our Celebration of Song which is a showing of a lot of the students who received voice lessons from the semester. They sing a number and it's usually awesome. It makes me a tad jealous and insecure.

After tis a group of friends and myself went out to the Pub ( a local bar in Natchitoches ) and then to karaoke at another bar called Yesterday's. A dink later resulted in my next painfully aware moment.

2. I am at the stage of being single where I am comfortable and content, happy even. But seeing couples laughing and holding hands. Maybe even sharing a private kiss or eye lock. Just makes me painfully aware that I am single and I don't have someone to share that with. It's a weird feeling.

Because sure I might look back on previous text messages from people saying how sweet I am or how pretty but it isn't the same. I don't feel that zing or that desire to really be with someone like I have in my past two longest relationships. I think that is the difference for me. Like tonight I sat a the bar and mooned over this really attractive french student. I made eye contact and did what girls do. I even smiled at him. But I did nothing about it. When I REALLY like someone I freak out. I HAVE to be in a relationship with them and I become dead set on winning them over to my team. It's weird. It's like this electric shock of a feeling when I meet someone I am utterly attracted to. Unfortunately I haven't had that feeling since my senior year of high school, 4 years ago. I have grown to be a attracted to people mainly because they were attracted to me or because I like them but I wasn't DRIVEN by emotion.

It amazes me what people do to make it through this world without being lonely. We live in a society that exists side by side. One they longs to touch and really understand someone. To find that SOMEONE or the ONE. Whatever you want to call it. And yet we settle most of the time for people who love us more then we love them. We settle on things that will help us make it through this world like pegs on a peg board.

But the thing about being aware is knowing you don't want to settle. I know it won't be anytime soon this loneliness ceases. That's what being aware means. But I think I am content with that for now. It'll pay off in the end right??

Oh what romantic holidays does to me.

In the words of Marshall Crenshaw

"Someday, someway maybe I'll understand you."