In those jeans...

I was talking to friend of mine the other night over drinks when I was asked a pretty personal question.

"How many people have you been with?"

Maybe it was the smoke and the liquor or the fact that the person had already asked me this question some time ago but I answered.

(I won't answer that on my blog because it is the internet and that is just down right odd. Plus if you know me really well and you are truly my friend then you know the answer to that question. And real women never should kiss and tell. )

Immediately after answering said question I put it simply.

"I am picky."

For a long time when I was still heavily influenced by Catholic guilt I attributed my "prudish" nature to my belief that you only did it when you were in love. Hindsight, disproves that completely. I am not advocating going crazy and sleeping with everyone that gets your panties wet or your rod stiff. I don't and never really will advocate that lifestyle, you are just begging for an STD and an earlier death. Instead, it takes a lot for me to be with an individual. I might not "love" that person but I do have to trust them. I feel like as teenagers we confuse those two emotions. The first person we date for a long time we quite often LOVE.

OMG I LOVE HIM!!! HE IS TOTALLY PERFECT!

You know EXACTLY what I am talking about. But, as we grow older we "fall" out of love, when we really weren't in "love" to begin with. Maybe, the reason we were with them was simply because we trusted them enough to give them that part of us. I am not saying you didn't love the person at the time or possibly at least care for them but in the big scheme of things you probably just trusted them. That is why I don't kiss and tell. That is a private act between to people that trust one another. No matter what anyone says it's a sacred act. I don't mean sacred as in matrimony I mean it sacred to the body, period. You should take care of yourself it is the only body you have after all. Anyway, back on topic! Yes, it is wonderful to be with the one you love, but in this touch and go soicety sometimes the only time you feel alive is when you are with another person. Not just physically but mentally as well. Our society is so fleeting. With blogs on fashion were thing are in one day and out the next. With the internet and electronics constantly getting faster and upgrades to better products till barely month old products are now obsolete. With the news and media being all about what's new and a buzz word. With cities growing bigger and bigger and the likely-hood of you knowing your neighbors in a 40 story pent house in New York rapidly decreasing it isn't hard to imagine why we a people cling to the tangible to feel alive. Some psycholgists even say the reason people disfigure themselves is to feel alive. To feel a rush of pain, one of two real things left, pain and pleasure. ( In extremes of course. )

Yes, eventually I want to hear someone tell me how beautiful I am in the heat of the moment and really BELIEVE them. Will that be anytime soon, I highly doubt that. Yes, I really do want to believe that I am an amazing person but truth is hard to come by in this day and age. Truth and tangible sentiments are rare commodities. Something I wish I would have known when I was younger is that compliments are for that MOMENT in time. Just because someone says you look beautiful doesn't mean you always look that way. It's mean for that fleeting moment and that is why you shouldn't let compliments go to your head, because they are temporary.

I saw a staged reading of a fabulous play tonight. It was called Dead Man's Cellphone by: Sarah Ruhl. I love her as an author and have been waiting for this stage reading so I was beyond excited with anticipation. There is an awesome monologue within this show where the main character Jean talks about how for so long she tried not to own a cellphone. She spoke of how having a cellphone meant you always had to BE THERE and the more you were THERE the more you really disappear. What I love about this author is how frankly ironic and true all in the same breath she can be. She spoke about how sad it was that people tell one another that they love each other via text message and then where does it go? It's floating around in the atmosphere within thousands of other electronic messages and reminders to pick up the kids from soccer practice and remember to call your grandma.

We as a society don't put pen to paper anymore.

I've been really obsessed with idea my history professor professed the first day of class. That the closest thing you can ever get to really understanding a person or what it was like to be there is to WRITE IT DOWN. Written word is so unbelievably powerful. I mean I sit here in my tiny apartment typing out this blog post that will be on the internet for the entire world to see. That is crazy. But, what happens if the internet implodes and goes away. Yes, the same thing happens if your house catches fire and your journal is there in the midst of the flames. Both have a non-permanent basis. It's just crazy to imagine it all I guess.

I guess the point of this blog is to further express my mindset right now. I am trading in my morality based beliefs for ones that I actually thought about. It's part of growing up and that is cool in my book.