City Life

Growing up I only wanted to move and live in NYC. It was a dream of mine. I wanted to live in a big city and be part of that atmosphere and that scene. It was a different lifestyle. Something new and exciting.

I went to New York and loved it. Had a slight nervous breakdown while I was there and left hating the city. Not, because I didn't have a good time but because I was afraid I'd lose my first boyfriend.

So I changed my dream. I wanted to be that guy's girlfriend for as long as I could. At 16 I wanted to marry him. Stupidly, very very stupidly. That relationship ended.

I found another boyfriend and prevented myself from falling for him. I let him fall for me and removed myself till I couldn't hide the fact I really liked him from the beginning. I moved to a rural town where I appreciated the beauty and simplistic lifestyle. I acclimated to school life fairly easy. Made friends and had fun and lost grip of that boyfriend. I changed my life again to hang on to him as long as possible. In the end he broke up with me because he "fell out of love with me." He put me through and on again off again hell.

So I changed my dream again. I imagined moving to the beach and being close to the water. Living there and getting as far away form the city life as possible. I dreamed a 60 yr old retirees dream. Not because that is where I really wanted to be but because I wanted to escape to a time where I had a flood of memories from a time when I was utterly happy in that previous relationship.

Somewhere along the way I lost my dream of moving to New York, to a city, and settled for wanting to be someone's wife. I settled for a dream that wasn't my own. Yes I want to be married one day and have a family. But, not tomorrow.

A mistake my father and mother made. They gave up there dreams because everyone expected them to get married because they had dated so long.

I can't repeat this mistake.

For once in my life I just want to move somewhere. Maybe the West Coast, like Seattle because I really LOVED that city. Best of all the worlds, the beaches in California, the Mountains in the North the beautiful peaceful Pacific to the West. But, wherever I go it won't be because of a man. It'll be because MY job requires it. My LIFESTYLE warrants it.

I will not let another person's life rule mine. Because that isn't a relationship I want.

I want to meet someone who has similar dreams as me. I don't want to force myself to be a square peg trying to fit a round hole. I've tried to be the femme fatale, the stepford wife, the indifferent non-caring girl.

I am none of these things.

My heart is so big it hurts sometimes. The simplest things amuse me. I laugh at everything I find funny. I love to work for the things I love. If I have no creative outlet I am unhappy and I became depressed. If I can build it I'd rather work with my hands then have someone else do it for me. I love to have control of a project. I will listen to anyone as long as they are willing to listen to me analyze everything OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER. I wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to my family, children growing up, homeless animals, and people in need. I speak my mind about everything I have an opinion on because I believe the moment you stop speaking up for the things you believe in is when you give in. I get bored very easily with something that doesn't kept my interest. I want to travel everywhere I can. I love to do spontaneous things just to see someone smile. I very hardly think of where something I do will get me. Instead I wonder if it will make someone smile and make their day better. I want to stay in school and learn as much as I can for the rest of my life. I can't stand a day where I just sleep and not learn anything new. I fight for the things I love longer and harder then most people see or realize. I don't believe in giving up. I want to own my own house, I help remodel. I believe in blood, sweat, and tears to get what you want, only then is it really worth it. I want to publish a written work of some kind. I want to ride horses again. I want to get a license to carry a weapon and be good with it. I want to read the books I keep buying. I never want to forget what it's like to be amazed like a child. I never want to lose touch with childhood. I can not stand to ask for help for anything. I will avoid asking for help till it is absolutely necessary, it usually results in me doing something utterly ridiculous to get over it, like scream at the top of my lungs in the dead of night in a vacant lot. I am a fixer and see giving up as a sign of defeat. I want to earn the things I want because I did EVERYTHING possible to get them, because I exhausted ALL avenues to get to them. I want to be the cool aunt whose nieces come and stay for a summer in the city with her.

Most of all I want to do the most of this on my own.

If I am lucky enough to find someone then I want a man who looks at me and respects me for the knowledge and kind heart I posses. I want a man who annoys me and I annoy him but we love each other anyway. I want a man who makes me laugh instead of cry. I want a friend and a lover together, not separate. I want a man I can laugh while naked if we fall out of the bed together. I want a man I am not afraid to be a blubbering romantic around. I want someone who stands in my way when I want to slam the door and act childish. I want someone who will push me and challenge me and keep me on edge. I want someone who I respect because they constantly force me to think. I want someone who won't let me run, someone who will run with me and not after me. Someone who doesn't want to tame me and make me wear pearls and push me to be a soccer mom.

Mainly, I want someone who I don't have to force to "fit" into my life. Someone who just fits.