Hate

I wish that I would stop having what I term as flashbacks. By flashback I mean a sense memory. I see some exchange happen between two people and I a thrust back to a memory of Stephen and I. Then I become angry and bitter.

I don't have these everyday but they strike when I least expect it.

I am going to write a letter to "clean my kitchen sink". I have this metaphor I live by, I view my life like a sink full of dishes and when it gets to gross I know it's time to wash them. Thus, cleaning out all the crap of my life.

Dear Stephen,

I hate that you don't even care enough to even attempt to be my friend. I have tried to be your friend and not interfere with your life. It appears I have been replaced on every level.

I thought you were my best friend. One of the people I could always count on and someone who made me a better person because you pushed me. Someone it felt right to be with and now I can't even give you a Christmas present without you pushing me off an entire month.

It makes me feel like the three years we were together was a joke. That the feelings you felt were a lie.

It's been a solid year without you in my life. Its been a solid year of being single and pseudo dating people. It's been a solid year of hell.

It's been a year of loss.

A year of anger.

A year of being denied most of the things I wanted.

A year of hurt.

A year of tears.

A year of silent suffering.

A year of self loathing and self doubt.

A year you don't even care to ask about.

A year in my life you will know nothing about.

Sincerely,
Courtney

p.s.
You are a spineless jerk. You stood me up for your Christmas present because you were afraid to face me. I don't have time for cowards.



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I know it's almost a week after New Years but I want 2010 to be a year of healing for me. I didn't ask for anything for Christmas and I made no New Year's Eve wish. I don't pray very often. I view "religion" as spiritual mediation. Whatever gets you through life is what you should subscribe to, regardless of what anyone else says. But, because I know no other words for it because of countless years of Catholic schooling, I "pray" for the strength to make it through this year. I "pray" for the ability pursue my dreams and get out of this funk.

And to be honest. I "pray" that I forget you faster and faster each day. Because I don't have time for you or for liars.